Marriage & Relationship Coach

Can I Get My Husband Back from the Other Woman?

Both for the man who is afraid to lose his wife and for the man who no longer cares, there are ways to restore the marriage

get husband back from the other womanBeing replaced in your husband’s life by another woman hurts a lot.  You are likely to cycle through periods of anger and sadness and the sickening feeling of how you were betrayed.  Before you throw in the towel on your marriage, take a closer look at whether your marriage can still be saved.  The investment it takes to do that is worth being able to clear your mind and breathe easy again.

The terribly unfair thing is you may not have known your marriage had problems

If you are like many of the women I work with, you have either just discovered your husband’s affair or have been told by him that he is leaving you for someone else.  Although he is the one having the affair, he may be blaming you for a loss of connection in your relationship. It would be less of a punch in the gut if you had watched your marriage going down hill for some time, but often with men, that isn’t the case.

Men compartmentalize their feelings

Men and women handle their thinking and their emotions in different ways.  In general, men are much better at separating their work life from their family life, their sex from their romance, and their lover from their wife.  They can have all these mental “boxes” and mentally jump from one to another throughout the day.  Out of sight is out of mind.  As long as he can keep all of his boxes separate, there is no problem as far as he’s concerned. That is why he can make you feel as though he still loves you while an hour later he can be enjoying himself with his girlfriend. A woman can do this by pretending, but a man can actually have two relationships going on (with his wife; with his lover), sincerely connecting with both.

The other woman didn’t just come along yesterday

Some men can have a mistress and a married life for years because of their ability to compartmentalize.  That’s especially true if the other woman will play along with secrecy.  The other woman, though, is usually not the money-grubbing, unkind, so and so’s that you would like to think she is.  She is often under the assumption that your husband is not only suffering in his marriage, but that he has been planning on leaving you all along.  Many times, she has been explicitly told that by your husband.  A man who lies to one woman has little problem lying to two.

Why men decide to leave

“Working women” (prostitutes) and “fun girls” are not looking for a relationship with a married man, though they may be happy with his attention or money on a regular basis.  Men who can’t keep away from them have a kind of addiction. These women have no desire to take your husband away from you, although they don’t care what happens to your relationship.  Other women, however, want what you want–an ongoing, loving, committed relationship.  Eventually, this places men in the position of having to make a choice between one woman or the other.  This is because if you don’t make him choose, eventually she will. The biggest deciding factor for men is not how good their relationship is with the other woman.  The biggest deciding factor is how good their relationship is with their wife.  Men hate to lose what they value and what they have put a lot of work into. Given equal emotional connection, his investment of time, energy, money, children, etc., is far greater than his investment in the other woman.

Mistakes women make trying to get their husband back

Dealing with a man who wants to leave is different from dealing with a man who has been caught and doesn’t want to leave.  Whatever anger you dump on him is only going to push him further out the door.  Pleading with him for another chance also is not going to get him to stay.  The choice he is making is not about the other woman, and it is not about you (although you will both think it is).  The choice is about him and what he wants for his future.  Anything you do that creates resistance or shows disapproval will push him away.  Although his behavior is very wrong, you can’t get him to stay by trying to make him wrong. Your blaming, attacking, or pleading with him will do nothing to build your relationship with him. They all make you even more unattractive. They all display a lack of concern for your husband.

Reconnecting is more important than the other woman

The biggest threat to your relationship is not that one particular other woman.  If it wasn’t her, then it would be someone else.  There’s nothing magical about her.  She is just an opportunity that he grabbed onto, so don’t get hung up on thinking about her.  The real problem is your loss of connection with your husband.  He doesn’t care enough about your marriage to remain faithful to you.  He is willing to risk losing it. Although you may only recently have found that out, you may still be able to get him back.  Don’t assume that because he doesn’t care about your marriage now, that he never will.  While separated, you can focus on using good connection skills with him while also maintaining good boundaries. These are skills that you may not know, but which you can learn. The best way to get them clearly and adapted to your particular situation is with a re-connections coaching package.

Sometimes it is too late to get your husband back from the other woman

There are two cases where I can’t help a woman to reconnect with her husband and create in him a desire to recommit to his wife.  One is if she has no more contact with him.  No more contact equals no more relationship.  Only God can build something out of nothing.  The other situation is when he has already committed to the other woman.  Evidence of commitment is his moving in with her, promising to marry her, having a child with her, and other such obvious commitments. Dating or professing love is not the same thing as commitment.  The fact that he’s been seeing her for years (possibly) is also not evidence for a commitment.  Many times a man stays with a woman for years because of convenience, rather than commitment.

Getting your husband back

When a man has been caught and is afraid of losing his wife, then a lot of toughness is required.  Not a mean toughness, but boundaries and requirements that move a couple toward healing.  First, she has to know how to communicate with her husband without fighting or being passive.  Neither of those would help them to reconnect.  She has to learn how to help her husband to see her as a better choice than the other woman while not being needy.  Then, she needs to pick the right time to make him choose.  When men don’t have to choose, they don’t.  And, if you don’t make him choose, then the other woman eventually will. Better he fear losing you than fear losing her.  Finally, both husband and wife need a way to make the marriage better than it was before, so that neither of them will risk losing it again.

Why you may want to invest in coaching at this time

Needless to say, emotions run very high at a time like this and it is easy to react emotionally and say or do the wrong thing. The less contact you have with your husband, the more important every communication is.  There is not much leeway for making mistakes.  Once all communication is gone, then it will be time to let go.  Doing things and saying things well will help to keep the communication going and help him to doubt his decisions.  You can’t do that simply by being nice or he will lose even more respect for you–while being able to use you and enjoy his other woman, too.  Being too tough will just push him into the arms of the other woman.  This is a tough balancing act.  Having someone who can help you to feel secure and sure of what you are doing, while teaching you the skills you need, can bring the peace of mind you need while you restore your marriage.

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