You can win your husband back from another woman. You will need to get your husband’s attention, help him to enjoy you again, and not let him have his cake and eat it, too. It’s complicated work, but I help women do it everyday.
Being replaced in your husband’s life by another woman hurts a lot. You are likely to cycle through periods of anger and sadness. It will be hard to stop thinking of how you were betrayed. If you don’t let your emotions get the best of you, you have a good chance of getting your husband back. Before you throw in the towel on your marriage, let’s take a closer look at whether your marriage can still be saved.
When you first discover your husband cheating, expect him to do this
If you are like many of the women I work with, you have either just discovered your husband’s affair or have been told by him that he is leaving you for someone else. Although he is the one having the affair, he is likely to blame you. You may be able to figure out when his affair started by looking at the signs of a cheating husband.
Be careful not to buy into his blaming. Even if he can point to specific damage you have done, it doesn’t justify his affair. He’s not having an affair because of what you’ve done. He is having it because of what he gets from the other woman. Learning what to do when you are blamed is an important part of shutting the blaming down so you don’t stay in defensive mode.
Because you are not the real cause of his affair, your apologies or attempts to make things up to him won’t work. He will not be interested. The blame is only so he doesn’t have to feel bad about what he is doing. It also helps him to appear like the victim, when in fact, you are.
Why this doesn’t bother him the same way it bothers you
Men and women handle their thinking and their emotions in different ways. In general, men are much better at separating their work life from their family life, their sex from their romance, and their lover from their wife. They can have all these mental “boxes” and mentally jump from one to another throughout the day. Out of sight is out of mind.
Some men say they need time to think. They want you to give them time and space supposedly to figure out what they want. This is never the case. He already knows what he wants. He will not be spending time wrestling with his decision. It is a delay tactic. He will simply enjoy his other boxes when he is not with you. You will want to know what to do if your husband says he needs time to figure out what he wants.
As long as he can keep all of his boxes separate, there is no problem as far as he’s concerned. That is why he can make you feel as though he still loves you while an hour later he can be enjoying himself with his girlfriend. A woman can do this by pretending, but a man can actually have two relationships going on (with his wife; with his lover), sincerely connecting with both.
The other woman didn’t just come along yesterday
Some men can have a mistress and a married life for years because of their ability to mentally separate parts of their life. That’s especially true if the other woman will play along with secrecy. The other woman, though, is usually not the money-grubbing, unkind, so and so’s that you would like to think she is.
The other woman is often under the assumption that your husband is suffering in his marriage. He has probably told her that he has been planning on leaving you all along. A man who lies to one woman has little problem lying to two. Men use words as tools rather than as ways to honestly get their feelings off their chest.
Why husbands leave for another woman
Although a man can fall in love with anyone, unless the other woman wants commitment, your husband is not likely to leave you for her.
“Fun girls” are not looking for a relationship with a married man, though they may be happy with his attention or money on a regular basis. This applies to prostitutes as well. Men who can’t keep away from them have a kind of addiction. These women have no desire to take your husband away from you, although they don’t care what happens to your relationship. Building your relationship will mean learning how to deal with his addiction.
Other women, however, want what you want–an ongoing, loving, committed relationship. Eventually, this places men in the position of having to make a choice between one woman or the other. The biggest deciding factor in choosing is not how good their relationship is with the other woman.
The biggest deciding factor is how good their relationship is with their wife. Men hate to lose what they value and what they have put a lot of work into. Given equal emotional connection, his investment of time, energy, money, children, etc., is far greater than his investment in the other woman.
How to tell if your husband loves the other woman
Is this an important question for reconciling?
How much he loves her now has little to do with his future with her. People’s feelings of love can come and go very quickly in a new relationship. Perhaps you remember those days when you were dating other men when you were single. How many times did you fall in love?
If you are like most women, you started falling in love with men in elementary school. Boys start having these feelings a bit later, but it’s much the same. Were your feelings for any of those people a good predictor of your future with them? Probably not, except for your husband.
Love is easy when there’s no responsibility
It is easy to love someone when everything is fun and it doesn’t cost you anything. Signs that he really loves the other woman involve sacrifice, not pleasure. Men can have pleasure with many women. Men will only sacrifice for one’s they love. Leaving a happy marriage to be with another woman would be a huge sacrifice.
His leaving you also may not be a good measure of his love for her
Leaving a lousy marriage to be with another woman is not a big sacrifice, and so does not count as a measure of love for her. Just because he is leaving you doesn’t mean his love for her is so strong. It is more likely that his love for you is not so strong. And, if he loves the other woman, but won’t leave you, he may enjoy her more, but actually love you more.
Mistakes women make trying to get their husbands back
Dealing with a man who wants to leave is different from dealing with a man who has been caught and doesn’t want to leave. Whatever anger you dump on him is only going to push him further out the door.
Pleading with him for another chance also is not going to get him to stay. The choice he is making is not about the other woman, and it is not about you (although you will both think it is). The choice is about him and what he wants for his future.
Anything you do that creates resistance or shows disapproval will push him away. Although his behavior is very wrong, you can’t get him to stay by trying to make him wrong. Your blaming, attacking, or pleading with him will do nothing to build your relationship with him.
Critical behaviors make you less attractive and her, more attractive. They all display a lack of concern for your husband. Sincere empathy will help you to connect instead of push him away. And having good boundaries will prevent him from having thing both ways.
Something far more effective than focusing on the other woman
The biggest threat to your relationship
The other woman is not the problem. If it wasn’t her, then it would be someone else. There’s nothing magical about her. She is just an opportunity that he grabbed onto, so don’t get hung up on thinking about her.
The real problem is your loss of connection with your husband. He doesn’t care enough about your marriage to remain faithful to you. He is willing to risk losing it. Although you may only recently have found that out, you may still be able to get him back.
A damaging assumption
Don’t assume that because he doesn’t care about your marriage now, that he never will. While separated, you can focus on using good connection skills with him while also maintaining good boundaries.
Affair ending skills are relationship building skills plus boundaries. These are skills that you may not know, but which you can learn. The best way to get them clearly and adapted to your particular situation is with a re-connections coaching package.
Is it ever too late to get your husband back from the other woman?
There are two cases where I can’t help a woman to reconnect with her husband and create in him a desire to recommit to her. One is if she has no more contact with him. No more contact equals no more relationship. Only God can build something out of nothing.
The other situation is when he has already committed to the other woman. Evidence of commitment is his living with her, marrying her, having a child with her, and other such big investments. These all require a large sacrifice.
Dating or professing love is not the same thing as commitment. Many single women have learned this the hard way. The fact that he’s been seeing her for years (possibly) is also not evidence of commitment. Many times a man stays with a woman for years because of convenience, rather than commitment.
Getting your husband to come back to you
Love must be tough
When a man has been caught and is afraid of losing his wife, then a lot of toughness is required. Not a mean toughness, but boundaries and requirements that move a couple toward healing. First, she has to know how to communicate with her husband and get his attention in a good way. It is really important that she avoid fighting or being passive. Neither of those would help her to reconnect with him.
Love must consider the other person’s needs
A wife has to learn how to help her husband to see her as a better choice than the other woman while not being needy. He has to come to see her as valuable. Men hate to give up something they believe is valuable, even if they don’t use it anymore. Your husband probably has many such possessions. You may have become one of them.
Love must be patient
Then, she needs to pick the right time to make him choose between him and her. Sometimes that is at the very beginning of the affair. Sometimes it is not until after the relationship has been strengthened. You don’t want to make a man choose between you and the other woman while your relationship is weak. His choice would be easy.
Love is not needy
On the other hand, making your relationship too good for him while he is also having an affair let’s him have his cake and eat it, too. So, he won’t choose you if you don’t make him choose (he will just have both of you). And, if you do make him choose, you had better not want to lose you at that time.
A wise person listens to counsel
How to make the complicated easier. There is no one size fits all system for this situation. One on one help from someone with a lot of experience can make the difference between reconciling and not. Talking to someone who has been through it may be good for support, but not for advice. Her circumstances may have been very different from yours and require a different approach.
Your choices when your husband is having an affair
Because of their particular agendas or products, many people will try to push you into using a particular strategy. I always take the time with my clients to get a thorough assessment of their relationship. Then I help them to see all of their choices and what they will involve. Avoiding regrets and making good choices is one of the best habits we can have in life. Here, I introduce them in brief:
Choice 1: Will filing for divorce get him back?
This approach uses very strong boundaries and there is no acceptance of his affair. This actually results in reconciling some of the time. It depends on the man’s fear of losing his wife and how much he has to lose.
It works best for relationships that are basically sound. This should never be done as a threat, as that will only cause more damage. It is consistent with the Bible as long as you are willing to reconcile if he gives up the other woman.
Choice 2: How separation without boundaries can actually help
With this approach, you separate if he wants to, use no separation boundaries, and ignore the fact he is having an affair. This will allow you to build your relationship with him. It also allows him to continue his relationship with the other woman.
This may work best for severely damaged relationships, but does not result in ending his affair with the other woman. The amount of anger you feel may be very high and cause this method to derail.
Choice 3: Why separation with boundaries is the most popular choice
With this approach, you separate and have boundaries, and do not endorse his affair. This will allow you to build your relationship with him, provided you have regular contact.
By having reasonable boundaries, you will also prevent him from having his cake and eat it, too. At some point, you will require him to choose between you two. If he does not choose, or chooses the other woman, you file for divorce (see option #1).
This approach works best for men who won’t leave or for marital relationships that are still pretty good. Another good choice for Christians.
Choice 4: Combination approach
This essentially starts with approach #2, moves to approach #3, and then to approach #1, if there is still a lack of commitment.
This is a good choice for severely damaged relationships which does not result in his being able to indefinitely have his cake and eat it, too.
5. The worst possible choice for reconciling with your husband
This is what people most commonly do without professional help. They will sometimes try to build their relationship. At other times, they question, criticize, and argue with their husbands about the other woman. Both people become more emotionally distant.
Coaches will not recommend this approach because it never results in relationship improvement. Not a Christian approach since it is not loving.
Why you may want to invest in coaching at this time
Needless to say, emotions run very high at a time like this and it is easy to react emotionally and say or do the wrong thing. The less contact you have with your husband, the more important every communication is. There is not much leeway for making mistakes. Once all communication is gone, then it will be time to let go.
Doing things and saying things well will help to keep the communication going and help him to doubt his decisions. You can’t do that simply by being nice or he will lose even more respect for you–while being able to use you and enjoy his other woman, too. Being too tough will just push him into the arms of the other woman.
This is a tough balancing act. Having someone who can help you to feel secure and sure of what you are doing, while teaching you the skills you need, can bring the peace of mind you need while you restore your marriage. If you are not separated, you will want to check out the ending an affair coaching package. If you and your husband have already separated, then the re-connections coaching package will be more helpful.