Updated April 7, 2026

Going no contact can be unbearable for you, while your spouse gets used to being without you. Discover why the no contact rule may NOT make your spouse miss you and what actually works to promote reconciling.

Absence can make the heart grow fonder. But that is only true for a heart that is fond in the first place. You feel it strongly because you want to reconcile. However, if your spouse no longer loves you, is angry, resentful, or seriously wants a divorce, then giving space will not increase his or her feelings.

On the contrary, giving space will only help your spouse get used to life without you. And after years of unhappiness, the space will probably be a pretty welcome thing.

There are a few good reasons for giving space, and you can see if they fit your situation. If they don’t, then going no-contact will waste valuable time that you could be using to rebuild your relationship.

I’ll help you discover what really works, but first, let’s look at the good reasons for giving space.

Some good reasons for giving space

In healthy relationships

Sometimes, spouses need to prevent escalating conflict. Like when a heated conflict is just starting. Getting space is a perfect way to prevent the damage that a fight would cause. In this sense, space is a kind of “time out” for the purpose of preserving an already good relationship.

We don’t want to hurt each other, so we take time to cool off. Or we allow our partner time to cool off, even if we are not upset. Because this is a good relationship, both spouses look forward to ending the space and being with each other again. It motivates them to be kinder and make up.

Finding a way to agree or empathize with some part of your spouse’s point will soon have you back together.

In damaged and separated relationships

While giving space like this can help to prevent damage, it doesn’t actually build anything.

A trial separation is one where couples agree to live separately while continuing to work on their marriage. The separation reduces damage, and their interactions, if good, build back the relationship.

An informal separation agreement will also help things go more smoothly. The couple decides on rules that will help to preserve and protect their relationship. It is another damage-reducing move. In a trial separation, the goal of both partners is to reconcile.

Trial separations are necessary when continuing to live together would do more harm than good. That is, if the pace of progress in counseling is not enough to overcome the amount of damage being done at home, then living in different places is necessary to give the marriage a chance. What will not help is to behave as if you are separated while actually continuing to live together.

A trial separation is not a no-contact situation. Although the couple is separated, they come together for counseling and relationship “homework” assignments. If a couple is not working together in any way, then it can’t be considered a trial separation. There are times when a trial separation is not a good choice. Search for “trial separation” on my website to learn more about them.

Giving space when your spouse does not want to reconcile

You may be giving space because your spouse has asked for it. That could make you feel like you either have to do what your spouse wants or risk upsetting your spouse further. There is an important thing for you to understand that will help you get out of this no-win situation.

Why spouses ask for space during a separation

There is one main reason that spouses ask for space after they move out. It is when they are feeling pressured to reconcile. Typically, the decision to move out was made long before the actual move. Once out, the separated spouse has no desire to work on the marriage. In fact, he or she is actively working to move on toward a new and better future.

If you try, in any way, to persuade your spouse to reconcile at this time, you will only get rejected. The more you try, the more adamant your spouse will become, and the more sensitized he or she will be to your contact. Whenever your spouse receives a phone call or text message from you, it will trigger an automatic “Oh no” response in your spouse.

You will be triggering stress on a day they might have been enjoying. Who wants that? Not your spouse, to be sure. As long as your contact stresses your spouse, your spouse will want space. If you don’t give it, he or she will stop taking or responding to your messages.

If you feel compelled to oppose your spouse, even part of the time, then having no contact will prevent even more harm from being done.

We can’t oppose people and connect with them at the same time.

The no-contact rule is the lesser of two evils, but it’s still not good

It is far better to give space to your spouse than to be needy. Typical needy behaviors are apologizing, explaining, arguing, and convincing. Neediness not only will make your spouse avoid you, but it will also make you less desirable–the opposite of what you need to do to reconcile. My book on overcoming neediness is a useful resource here.

A spouse who is not stressed by you won’t need space from you.

Counseling and coaching approaches to giving space

A marriage counselor might recommend that you give your spouse space, especially if he or she believes there is no chance for your marriage. That’s because the counselor would be working to help you to emotionally move on. On the other hand, counselors may also encourage you to pursue or write a letter, knowing that you will be rejected. This also can help you to move on if that is your goal.

A counselor’s primary concern is your mental health, not your relationship.

A reconciliation coach, on the other hand, is a relationship expert who prioritizes reconciling. Coaching would be to help you to re-attract and reconnect with your spouse. This is a personal change approach. It’s not a convincing approach. It does not create rejection. On the contrary, this two-pronged approach can help your spouse to enjoy and look forward to your contact rather than be stressed out by it. That is a requirement for reconciling.

Pursuing someone who doesn’t want to be pursued creates rejection. Attraction and connection never do.

The major flaw with the no-contact rule

Giving space is a neutral behavior. It doesn’t really damage your chance of reconciling; it just doesn’t do anything to build your relationship. The no-contact rule has one major flaw:

There is absolutely no way to build a relationship without interaction.

So, the no-contact rule depends on your spouse already caring about losing you. If he or she doesn’t, then the no-contact rule prevents you from having necessary positive contact.

No contact means no way to connect more than you already are.

This is why I don’t coach people who no longer have any contact with their spouse. The only way to build a relationship is by helping your spouse to enjoy talking and being with you. Giving space does not allow for that.

Questions about Giving Space

“I read somewhere that giving space will make my spouse miss me and be open to working on our marriage. Do you agree with that?”

There is only one case in which I think this would work. That’s if your spouse is not really serious about leaving you in the first place. Men, in particular, need to be aware that there are different reasons why wives separate. If your spouse is separating as an intervention to get you to change your behavior, then giving space may work. This is because it will make your spouse’s plan backfire, creating a fear of losing you.

This case does not hold for people who are secure. For many men and women, an intervention is a last-ditch effort to get a spouse to change. And, if it doesn’t happen, their backup plan is divorce. Unless you know your spouse is afraid of losing you, you take a big risk in going no-contact.

This gimmicky strategy, of trying to get a spouse to miss you, is still used by many people. But it is one of the least likely ways to work. If you try this no-contact approach, I don’t recommend trying it for too long.

The lottery is a tried and true method for getting rich, but only for a few people.

“Do you have any other gimmicky strategies to use instead of giving space?”

No. I don’t believe in gimmicks, tricks, lies, or deception.  Even when these partially work, they end up doing even more damage to relationships. I work on one thing only—rebuilding genuine love through methods that are genuinely loving. If you can become the man or woman your spouse does not want to lose, then you will not lose your spouse.

I recommend working on restoring true love. Without a true loving relationship, you would be looking at either an eventual divorce or perpetual unhappiness. You will also find that friends and family will often want you to do something reactive and unhelpful. They will often want you to let go and move on. Many people are strangers to loving reconnection. That does not have to be you.

Love is the only satisfying antidote to relationship problems

“My spouse asked me to give him/her space.  Shouldn’t I do that?”

If your spouse has asked for space, it is because what you are doing is stressing your spouse out. You are probably being needy, angry, overly solicitous, or trying to convince and persuade.

It’s like having a telemarketer continually call you to sell you a product you don’t want. At first you would just be annoyed. But repeated calls, texts, and letters would get you so stressed that you wouldn’t be able to sleep. Anyone would want space in that situation.

You would have to be strongly rejecting in order to be left alone. You would want to make sure you didn’t give that telemarketer any false hope about making a sale. Likewise, if your spouse thinks you just want to sell him or her on reconciling, he or she will be careful not to give you any false hope about the relationship.

You don’t need to give up on reconciling. You just need to use a better approach than you have been.

“If I don’t give space and I don’t try to convince, then what do I do?”

If you want to reconcile and your spouse doesn’t, stop trying to convince. That’s similar to trying to convince a person who is not in love with you to marry you. Help him or her to be in love with you, and no convincing will be necessary. This is the tried and true way we get married in the first place, and it’s the tried and true way for reconciling.

Can you imagine interacting with your spouse in a way that leaves him or her feeling good? Can you do that in a gradual, non-pushy way that feels like natural reconnection?

That is what has to happen if you want to rebuild your relationship. Re-connecting, just like initial connection, requires the right steps, at the right pace. If you want help with that process, my Re-Connections Coaching Package is designed to help you take those steps without creating more rejection.

Don’t be discouraged if your spouse does not love you or is not in love with you now. Very few people are in love at first sight. They gradually build their relationship. You can do that too, if you take the right steps, in the right order, at the right pace.

For further study:

Crabtree, S. A., & Harris, S. M. (2020). The Lived Experience of Ambiguous Marital Separation: A Phenomenological Study. Journal of marital and family therapy, 46(3), 385–398. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.12419