When you understand how to get a man to marry you, it will change your approach to what you say and how you behave with him.
Imagine you have been in a relationship with a man for a long time. Perhaps even years. He says that he loves you, you talk about the future together, you drop little hints and “accidentally” find yourselves looking at the engagement ring display in the mall jewelry store.
But still he makes no move toward marriage. Does he not want to marry you? Is he waiting for something else? Is there something more you should do? What is going on? You can get him to commit to marry you without asking him . . . and soon!
The bad reason many men marry:
Some men grow up in loving and conservative families. They often have little dating experience and quickly fall in love and want to commit. These men actually need to be slowed down from committing. In their haste to commit, they often idealize the woman they are with and overlook significant differences and potential problems.
If you are dating such a man, it will at first seem very nice to get such adoration. This is especially true if you also don’t have much dating experience. You may be idealizing him. It is really important when dating such a man not to commit too quickly. It is important to date other men as well. Why would you want to do that? Keep reading…
Marrying this kind of man too quickly
I very frequently receive emails from sad and discouraged women who married too quickly. Often, the man proposed within a few months, promising his undying love. However, after getting married he quickly becomes dissatisfied and rejecting.
He woke up from the dream of marriage to the reality of marriage. Many times he has convinced his wife to have a child even within the first year. However, he is often gone before she has even had the baby.
A pedestal is a dangerous place to be
If the man you are dating thinks you are best. Either you really are, or he has no basis for comparison. If he has little experience either with you or others, do not marry him–yet. This is especially true if he has no dating experience with other women. Without experience, he will not go your entire marriage without wondering what he missed out on.
He won’t have had a chance to find out that you really are wonderful compared to other women. He won’t truly know he has the best. Sooner or later he will want to see if the grass is greener elsewhere. And, no matter how strongly you feel now, the same will happen to you.
When he is sure he has the best, he will take care of you well
While I am not an advocate of sleeping around, I am an advocate of shopping around. This is because after marriage there is no more shopping around for the rest of your life. Both you and he need to feel that you have the best partner you could possibly get and be familiar with the down sides of marrying the other person.
If you see no down sides, it is not yet time to marry because you do not know your partner well enough. After marriage, you will discover that he is not perfect and try to make him that way.You will become very critical of him and drive him away. If you are already like this, then I recommend the book, Overcome Neediness and Get the Love You Want.
Putting the right effort into dating will save a lot of trouble later in your marriage.
How long is ideal time together before marriage?
I ask everyone I work with how long they dated their spouse before getting married. I have found that women who date less two years (meeting to marriage) or longer than three years tend to be needy and have more difficulty.
Two years of regular dating (not long distance relationship), give enough time to get through the infatuation phase. It also is enough time to have enough problems to see the other person more realistically.
More than three years creates a complacency toward marriage for the man. He sees little gain in doing so. Three years can easily become five or 10. If you want commitment and have been together more than two years, it is time for the next step. It is time to take away his security about your relationship and stimulate his desire to commit. That is detailed below.
The good reason men marry:
Women who have the best luck getting men to marry them treat men wonderfully, but are not quick to commit to them. Such women have good social skills for getting along with both men and women. They enjoy dating, but it is not the central focus of their lives. They are secure and know what they want for their future.
If men treat them badly, they are quick to dump them. Men have to work and compete for such women. If he is lucky enough to get her commitment, he will feel like a winner. She doesn’t have to do any persuading to get him to commit. He has to persuade her.
Men value most what they have to work for.
How a secure woman makes him want to marry her
She can easily get his commitment because he knows that if he does not commit to her, he will lose her to someone else. To make a man feel this way, you must
- make him feel loved, accepted, and important and
- not be constantly available for him.
The first creates love; the second the necessary fear of losing you that will make him want to commit. After all, if you are ready and willing to give a man whatever he wants for as long as he wants it, why would he desire to commit to you? The amount of security he would feel would also diminish his feelings of love.
We love someone most when we know we could lose them.
Fear is an important motivator and a protector of love
Fear has a bad reputation although it is fear that brings out the best in us. We fear not passing a test, so we study for it. We fear not getting a job, so we do our best in the interview. It is fear that makes us take good care of our children. Fear keeps us away from dangerous people. And yes, fear that brings out the best in us as husbands and wives, boyfriends and girlfriends.
The kind of fear used in creating strong relationships does not come from threats. Threats are controlling and destructive. The fear that is a good fear is caused by us behaving in a secure way. So, our children behave well, and our spouses treat us well. It preserves our relationships.
Can you image how children would behave if they could do whatever they wanted without fear? How about a spouse? How about a boyfriend?
What kind of love do men want?
In my earlier years, I dated a rich and famous woman, but she tried to hide her identity from me and others. She could never really know if people liked her simply for her money. While she had many men to choose from, she wanted a man who would choose her for her and not for her money or fame.
Since I was attracted to her and had no idea she was rich or famous, our relationship was very valuable to her. After finding out who she actually was, I never took advantage of her fame or wealth, though I did ask her if we could go dutch when we went out (I was only making $30 a week at the time).
Keep in mind that if you are dating someone who is considerably more wealthy or famous than you, he will not be particularly attracted to you if you are mainly attracted to what he has rather than who he is. When you are with a man, make him feel important for qualities that most people do not see. This will make you important to him and help to set you on the path to marriage commitment.
No man wants to lose a person who makes him feel loved just for the way he is.
Women who are least likely to get him to marry
Women who have the most difficulty getting commitment are women who are fearful and needy. They lack boundaries, lack their own identity, and are on the alert for rejection. Typically they have little dating experience and will complain or sulk if their relationship is not going well. They would rather cling on to a bad man than search for another.
Men who commit to them generally have poor social skills, are less successful, and have lower self esteem. They are the type of men a secure woman would not want. Many of these men will date her or even live with her for years while refusing to marry her–just in case someone better comes along.
When conflict happens in their relationships, they are likely to deal with it with either anger or withdrawal. This is why overcoming neediness is one of the best things you can do before seeking a marriage partner. More about needy people in relationships.
Why can secure women get him to marry more readily?
There are multiple reasons for this. First, because she is secure, she does not tolerate bad behavior from him. She has his respect and he must earn her trust and respect before she will consider any kind of commitment to him. This makes her a challenge, makes her special, and it keeps him in love with her.
She is not high maintenance and if he stops seeing her, she is not going to text him everyday asking what is wrong. He knows that if he messes up, she is going to be gone–with some other guy. And he knows that she would be the one he would miss the most, because she had the most to offer. The big fish that he let get away.
Women who throw themselves at men and put up with anything are very easy to replace and are not very memorable for men.
Commitment works naturally with secure women
Now, if such a secure woman has been dating a man for awhile, they will both get more serious. At which time they will both stop dating others. This is an appropriate step toward commitment that should not be present early in the relationship.
Committing to a man before you know him well is a horrible gamble. Expecting him to commit to you before he knows you well, is not a realistic expectation. There are even good reasons not to commit to a man until he asks you to marry him.
A man with competition is far more likely to commit than a man without any. Why is that? Because if he doesn’t have to commit, he won’t. Let me put it this way–if someone gave you a nice car to use every day as you pleased, how quick would you be to buy one?
Commitment is a choice
Men who won’t commit need to be put in the position of having to make a choice. Either they commit, or you will continue to see other men. He does not have to commit to you, but if you become committed to another man, then the door will be closed to him. There will be no more chances for him with you after that.
What will be the result? If he loves you, he will ask you to marry him because he won’t want to lose you. What you need to understand is that is a very good reason for him to want to marry you. Choosing to marry or not marry you is also a very helpful thing for him.
It is far better to lose a man who is not fully committed than to hang onto a man who never will be.
This won’t work as manipulation
One thing to understand is that this is not a ploy or manipulation. If you are afraid of losing him, then he will know that and will not fear losing you. And, he will only lose respect for you if you try to manipulate him into commitment.
If you are so needy that you have to cling to a man who won’t commit to you, then working on your neediness has to precede any changes you make with him. Otherwise, you will just give in and be worse off than when you started. And for goodness sake, don’t get him to commit to you if you are not sure he is right for you.
It is far better not to marry than to marry someone you are unsure about.
How to communicate this to him
Communicating this is not such a hard thing for a secure woman. It goes something like this,
“Roger, we’ve been together for quite some time and our relationship doesn’t seem to be going to the next level–a committed one. I am not pushing you to commit to me, because I know you are not ready for that. So, I have decided that I will also date other men. I don’t know what will happen or if there is someone who could possibly be better for me than you. But, if I find such a man, then the door will close for you.”
This is not breaking up. Not in any way. You are not ending your relationship with him. You are just open to dating others as well. If he gets jealous or controlling, with no desire to commit, then you would see how little he cares about commitment. If Roger really is a good man for you, then he will think a little and you should get a proposal soon.
Have you committed yourself too soon?
I often work with women who have a habit of committing too soon to men who are not committed to them. They are on the road to getting older and eventually getting dumped. Some are giving up their childbearing years hoping the man they are with is going to commit to them eventually.
If that is you, then try to think about whether you will regret just maintaining your relationship indefinitely if you can’t get him to commit to you. If you are satisfied with what you have, then by all means don’t rock the boat.
But, if you want more, don’t just wait for it to happen. Start working today on overcoming neediness to create a desire in men to want to commit to you. Learn to be valuable and desirable. Learn how to make men feel lucky to be with you and want to marry you.