Getting your husband to come back to you requires that you understand things from his perspective and not merely what you want.
it is because he believes he has much more to gain than to lose. Another way to put it is that he is afraid of losing what he could have without you. That may be another woman, but it might also be a sense of freedom, or even being loved–if he hasn’t felt loved and valued by you. You see, women leave relationships when they stop loving their husbands. Men leave relationships when they fear what they will lose if they don’t leave. This is why a woman who is leaving is likely to say, “I don’t love you anymore,” and a man is more likely to say, “I don’t care anymore.” It’s not that he no longer cares for his wife anymore; it’s that his marriage is not worth the sacrifice to him anymore. If a man wants to reconcile with his wife, he has to help her to feel in love with him again. If a woman wants to reconcile with her husband, she has to help him value her again. Trying to convince him of her love for him will have no impact. Instead she needs to focus on the three C’s of reconciling–connection, communication, and cooperation.
Don’t Get Desperate and Needy
Your first instinct might be to get all needy and teary eyed, pleading with your husband to come back and making multiple promises to change everything that he can’t stand about you. But, by the time men have decided to leave a relationship, they are already past the point of believing their wife is going to change. Your desperation will also have no impact on whatever he is looking forward to having without you. If anything, it will just make whatever that is even more appealing. I think all of the women who come to me for help have done this, so if you have also, don’t despair. We can still make things better–as long as you don’t continue behaving this way.
Connection, Communication, and Cooperation
The next thing to keep in mind is that you are not going to get him back immediately. He has to become more trusting to increase how much he talks with you; he has to enjoy talking with you to want to be with you; and he has to enjoy being with you before he will consider cooperating with you on making your relationship better. If you try to do all this at once, it will be obvious that you are desperate to get him back, his guard will go up, he won’t want to talk with you, and there is no way that he will want to do things with you. The first part–connecting–can be the most difficult. Although I have been helping women to connect for 20 years, I can’t help if their husbands are already committed to another woman or if their husbands hate them. Anything less than that, and re-connection is possible if you are willing to learn the skills to make it happen.
Self-Work and Managing Your Emotions
A good attitude is essential and that is hard to have right after being rejected. Fears about his leaving for good can make you behave in needy ways, and when he is rejecting (as he is bound to be in the beginning) it can be easy to become angry and confrontational. I have some exercises that I have women do so that they are less fearful and needy, and we practice dealing with things their husbands may say so that they don’t accidentally cut off their connection with him. A simple way to know if you are too needy is if you have “what if’s” that you just can’t answer. These unanswered “what it’s” will keep you awake at night and also cause you to emotionally overreact when you need to be loving or strong. Many women have told me that the chapter on rescuing a marriage from a separation, in my book Connecting Through Yes!, has helped them to be less needy and to have a more loving attitude toward their husbands–something you must do to create a good connection with him. In addition, it is important to have the support of family or friends. Also, you need something else to focus on rather than thinking about your husband all the time. Starting a hobby that makes you feel good about yourself is an excellent idea.
Connection only comes with agreement, while disconnection happens with disagreement. So, if you try to convince your husband he is wrong, he will resist you and you will become more disconnected. Of course, agreeing with his leaving you would not be helpful, either. Instead, you can begin by talking about things not related to his leaving (i.e. not the “hot” issues), find small things to agree with in every communication and start to build on that. If you have kids, that’s a natural subject, but there are many others. Keep in mind that at this stage, you are not trying to get him to reconcile–you are just trying to have some pleasant contact. Working on connecting means helping him be open to talking with you more.
Provided that you have been connecting well with your husband, you can start to have some real conversation. Men enjoy talking more when they are doing things rather than a sit down, face to face meeting. The idea is to help him enjoy being with you. Get togethers should be casual and not have any kind of “date” feel to them. This is particularly true if he is involved with another woman. If he is not involved with another woman, he may start to behave like it is a date and may even initiate sex with you. As great as you think that may be, it is important to avoid having sex with him at this time. Men will get into a relationship because of sex, but they won’t stay in a relationship because of sex. If you have sex, he is likely to reject you soon after and set back the progress that you have made. At this stage, your husband may start to wonder if he is being too hasty in leaving you. You will also start to feel really good for the first time in a long time. But, reconciliation is still a step away.
Why Good Communication Isn’t Enough
Because of good communication with good feelings, your husband will once again enjoy being with you, although he still won’t believe the marriage will work. Whereas many women would see this as a sign of failure, it’s actually exactly how it should be at this point. After all, neither of you has done anything to change the actual issues which led up to his leaving. He would expect, and rightly so, that things would deteriorate again if you got back together. He could guess, as his friends might tell him, that going back with you will just mean the same old problems all over again. And, since he has already decided, he is not going to be spending much time wondering if he made the right decision. Typically, men do less review of their decisions than women. Rather than working to get them to “undo” a past decision, it’s much better to lead them toward a new decision. That happens following the next stage of cooperation.
Cooperation and Reconciliation
This is likely to be the piece that was missing from your marriage. Men and women who are cooperating together on a future that they both want to have rarely want to leave each other. Although you might think that helping your husband to get what he wants will help him to leave you all the faster, actually it will increase your value a lot. But, this stage is not a one way deal. His cooperation will be linked to your cooperation because you will be creating win-win scenarios. At this point, his attraction to you will be rekindling and although he may have had his fun with someone else, he will be drawn back into a relationship with you. If he had another woman and has given her up, now is a good time to have sex with him. Reward him for what he has done–not for what you want him to do. This is the stage to work on directly on reconciling.
It Takes Time
Yes, that’s the part that everybody hates. The men that I work with feel the same way about getting their wives back. They want to just convince their wives to come back to them with a few words or changes in behavior. But, what wife who has decided after years of marriage to divorce is going to quickly want to go back with her husband? Is it any surprise then that it would take time to win a husband back, too? Trying to do things quickly and desperately actually postpones reconciliation indefinitely. I don’t believe that it possible to fight your way to a better relationship. I also don’t believe that you can create a secure relationship with insecure behaviors. Women need to be loving but not needy; respected, but not mean. We should never agree with destructive and selfish behavior, but we must avoid seeing our spouses as evil. Men don’t want to hurt their wives, but they want to be valued and feel like their marriage is worth the effort. You can help him to feel that way again. You can hear his soft, loving voice, and see love in his eyes once again. If you are looking for a coaching package that will help you make your husband want to be with you, click here for details.