Women who don’t feel loved eventually fall out of love and leave their husbands. Learning how to make her feel loved now can prevent a world of hurt later.
I work with many men who are in the process of winning their wives back. In most cases, although they loved their wives throughout their marriage, they did not do a good job of showing it or expressing it.
They thought their wives would somehow realize how much they loved them by how hard they worked or by how much they helped around the house.
While helping and providing are important they don’t create the emotional connection that a woman needs to stay in love. If you are honest with yourself, you probably need more than your wife simply working or raising children in order to feel that she really loves you.
You can be the agent of change not only to help your wife to feel more loved by you, but to inspire in her the desire to make you feel loved as well. It needs to start with you. This article will help you to make your wife feel loved, keeping her loving you.
Express love with sincerity
Many men rack their brains trying to think what their wife wants to hear. You don’t need to memorize poetry or speak like Shakespeare. Even if their words express feelings perfectly, other people’s words call your sincerity into question. If I talked to you only in quotes, would you really feel like I was being open and honest with you? Or would you feel like I was hiding my own thoughts behind someone else’s words? Hallmark has beautiful cards, but in your wife’s heart, their message will never touch her as much as your own.
You don’t need to be a wimp to be loving
Your wife is attracted to you, in part, because you are a man. Learning to express your love is not about learning to talk like a woman. But, it does mean that what you do and say shows consideration for your wife. If there are problems, or disagreements, you still need to deal with them–but in a loving way. It is possible to be in control without being controlling, and to express love while still feeling like a man.
If you don’t know how to be strong and loving at the same time, use a resource such as Connecting Through “Yes!” to improve the way you express yourself. Wimpy and loving is a turn off. Strong, but not loving is a turn off. But, the combination of being both strong and loving is very seductive for women. Think of any male role you know is attractive to women. Is that man all soft, all strong, or some combination? That is what you need to shoot for.
Express love in a soft voice
It’s not just what you say, it is how you say it. The most intimate talk is a whisper, while the least intimate is shouting. The more you can make your words go towards the whisper side of things, the more they will penetrate her heart. When you say things casually, they are most likely to be ignored, and when you say things sharply, they raise her defenses—no matter how right or good what you are saying is. Try whispering something loving to your wife once in a while.
Don’t just say, “I love you”
“I love you,” are wonderful words and are best used in a relationship where love is securely felt. They are confirmatory words. It’s like putting another log on a fire that is already burning well. But saying, “I love you,” is not a good way to build a fire. If a woman does not already feel loved, those three little words sound hollow and just remind her of what she does not feel anymore. In that situation, your “I love you,” may make her feel sad and cry or even get you a hostile response.
To keep your wife from leaving, feed the flames of love
There are other things that you can say that will help to restore loving feelings in a marriage which is still intact. If your marriage is already broken, you will need a different approach for re-connecting. Combined with your loving behavior, your wife will feel important, valued, and needed, which is the essence of love for women. Here are some ways you can feed the flames:
1. Tell her what attracted you to her in the first place.
Why she was so special. It does not matter if it was 50 years ago. Women don’t separate the past from the present. It all gets mixed together in their thinking and feeling. If you have missed opportunities to express your love and appreciation before, you can still do it now for things in the past.
2. Tell your wife about the good things that have come about in your life because of her.
That will help her to feel valued. A woman will love you more for what you appreciate that she does for you, than she will for what you do for her. You may work your tail off so that you can take care of her, but she may just attribute that to your love for your job, or your need to feel important. You can make her feel important most, not by taking care of her, but by appreciating her.
3. Tell your wife about the good qualities in her that are relatively hard to find in other people.
Everybody has parts of themselves that they are proud of. When you tell people how much you admire something that they are proud of, it increases their attraction for you. You can give compliments about a dozen other things that they don’t care much about and it won’t make any difference. What is your wife proud of about herself? Make her feel special by emphasizing your joy or your pride in that also.
4. Take some time to think about what you would miss if you lost your wife.
Don’t let her go to the grave or the divorce court without having heard that from you while you are together. This question is a good self-test to see just how much you do love your wife. If you can’t think of anything, it is only a matter of time before you lose her. You don’t need to get morbid. Just say something like, “Honey, if I ever lost you, every day I would miss your (e.g. smiling face).”
5. Tell her how important she is for your dreams for the future.
Just as with the past, she wants to know that you think about a future with her, and that she is important for your future. Even if your relationship is not so good now, you can tell her about the companionship, financial success, great sex, travel, and so forth that you want to have with her. Don’t just keep working for that secretly and plan to surprise her with it someday. She may be gone before you are able to do that.
Be persistent and gradual in your changes
You may realize that you have not been doing a good job of making your wife feel loved. It may motivate you to suddenly turn on the charm and wow her. If your relationship is already strong, that may work. But, if your relationship is somewhat distant, you had better do this gradually.
A sudden outpouring of love from you may make her realize how much she does NOT love you. This is because her love will not be rekindled overnight. The goal is not to get her to realize anything. The goal is to help her to feel more loved and to reconnect. A gradual change is better for that.
If your wife has already rejected you or moved out
If you are reading this and your wife has recently left you or rejected you, I encourage you NOT to say these things to her. When women leave, they want to feel good about what they have done. So, if you try to express your love at that time, they will just reject you. Also, they will see what you are doing as your being needy and just trying to convince them to return to a bad situation. It will repulse them rather than attract them.
There are very helpful things you can do to reconcile, but expressing your love in these ways will need to wait until she desires to work on the relationship again. Don’t let yourself burn out trying to jump start love she no longer feels for you, and don’t waste time just giving her space hoping she will miss you. Learn to re-attract her instead.