How much your wife loves you mainly has to do with what you do, rather than how she thinks. By making a few changes in what you do, your wife will have more loving feelings for you.
A woman who loves a man values him and holds him in high regard. She enjoys thinking about him, the time they have spent together, and their future together. She looks forward to seeing him again, hearing his voice, and feeling his touch. She smiles when she gets his text message. She makes him feel loved. That’s not hard for her and it comes naturally, because that is the way she feels.
A man who wants to be loved like this makes sure that his interactions with her freshen their emotional connection. He may need to discuss routine things, but he always has an eye on the way he is interacting with her. He thinks about her fondly, when they are not together.
Sadly, many men miss these opportunities. The more practical focused, and less relationship focused, they become, the more their emotional connection slips away.
Their wives think more about their past time together and less about their future together. They feel the difference in the way their husbands used to treat them and the way they are treated now.
When a wife’s love fades, she may start to accuse her husband of not being appreciative. What this really means is that she is not feeling loved by him. She may accuse him of not loving her anymore. This is her bid for reassurance. If things don’t change, she will eventually shift to ending her relationship with him.
Why being a good provider isn’t enough
You know and I know that a marriage can’t continue to be a honeymoon forever. There are bills to pay and grass to mow. It’s so easy to get caught up in the things that we have to do that we can start to substitute them for romance. Yes, we take out the garbage partly for our wives so that they won’t have to, but if we didn’t have wives, we would still take out the garbage, wouldn’t we?
Isn’t that also true for going to work, moving the lawn, vacuuming the floor and anything else that we do around the house? Although we can do a lot for our wives, the very fact that we would need to do those things anyhow does nothing to pluck her heart strings. You may or may not get a thank you, but more romantic feeling from her? Nah.
If that’s the reason you are plowing the back 80, you may as well trade in your tractor for a pair of walking shoes. Taking a walk with her will actually build more love in her heart than working your butt off all day long. Why is that? Because walking with her is not something you have to do, and because your attention is focused on her.
The essential is not romantic. Romance is always in the little extras that are nice, but not essential.
Women don’t want to feel needed–they want to feel special
You may need your wife a great deal. You may need her to cook for you, clean for you, help you pay bills, raise your children, listen to you talk about work, have sex with you, or keep you company while watching a movie. If she were to leave, you would miss these things very much.
But, what is it about these things that makes her feel special? What is it that makes her feel like she is the only one who could possibly do these things for you? Probably not much. She may feel that if she were not with you to do these things, that you could just find someone else who would, and be none the worse off for it.
Some men may even add insult to injury by enjoying looking at pornography or other women while making their wives feel like it doesn’t matter how they look. She might feel like it wouldn’t even matter to you if she were silent and invisible as long as your needs were met.
What your wife needs for her emotional maintenance is to feel like she is special. That there is something uniquely valuable about her that, try as they might, other women just couldn’t provide for you. Is it realistic? Probably not. But, the emotional needs of a woman don’t have much to do with reality.
She needs something beyond you needing her—something that makes her feel special. Something that lets her know that she is the woman—the only woman, for you.
Hallmark and Denny’s can’t create the love for you
“I take her out to dinner, help her around the house, give her birthday and Valentine’s day cards that say ‘I love you,’ and sleep with her every night after I’m done using the computer. What more could she want?”
In a loving relationship, these things are good and important. But, in the absence of a loving relationship–in the absence of her feeling special–they can make her profoundly sad. You can take her out to dinner or give her a nice card of gift, and later hear her crying through the bathroom door.
“How can that possibly be?”
It’s because she doesn’t feel the love for you she wished she felt. The card and gift just remind of her of that. Or, when she goes out to dinner with you, she feels alone. What you meant to make her happy just ends up making her sad. And if she shows you her sadness, it might make you frustrated and mad, too. So, most of the time women just keep such sadness to themselves.
Fortunately, there is a way to change her feelings
You have three love sending body parts. None of them are inside your pants
They are your face, your hands, and your voice. Regardless of how hard you work, your wife uses these three things to judge the way you feel about her. And, that’s more important to her than what you do.
Men respond to action, and women respond to eye gaze, words, voice, and touch.
Master these and use them liberally. You don’t need to take acting lessons to know how to use these right. If you have a loving attitude, these will all come out right. If you have a loving attitude, it will show in your face (especially your eyes), your voice, and your touch. She will feel it.
She will feel it like electricity running right into the center of her emotions. These keep your wife’s love switched on just as well as when you were first dating her. Can you look at her like you use to? And can you talk to her like you used to? Just like men, women do not outgrow what makes them feel in love. And you will get the love you used to.
Making your wife love you more starts with adjusting your attitude
Let me give you a couple of attitude adjustment examples. Attitude is connected to your thinking. To improve your attitude, change your thinking.
So, if you are thinking something like, “What does she want now?” it’s possible you might have an attitude of curiosity, but it’s more likely your face or voice will show disinterest or annoyance. Change your thought to, “I can take a moment out for my lovely wife,” and your eyes, face, and voice will be entirely different. Even on the phone, it will be different.
Or, if you are thinking something like, “Why can’t my wife greet me at the door when I come home?” instead look forward to going to greet her when you come home. Maybe she would like you to be happy to see her.
Love can’t be demanded. It must be seeded, nurtured, and grown.
You have two receiving body parts that help her love grow
There are two more parts of your anatomy that will really turn her on. If you are thinking your muscular arms and butt, you are wrong. They won’t turn on a wife who doesn’t feel loved. Your two key body parts for helping your wife feel love for you and to feel loved by you are your ears. You don’t need to be able to wiggle them (although that is a plus); just use them to listen.
Make what’s important for her be important for you
Whenever she is saying something that is important to her, shut your mouth, open your ears and listen, listen, listen. Don’t disagree (disagreements disconnect), don’t solve her problems (unless she asks you to), and don’t interrupt and talk about your opinion.
Listening and attention are beautiful gifts that she may not get anywhere else. She dreamed about sharing her life with you when she committed to you. And women share by talking. So listen. You can talk some other time. You don’t have to talk when she’s talking. You can include gaze and casual touch in your listening.
There’s a reason women prefer to sit face to face when talking. They look for the other’s emotional reaction to what they are saying. When the other person’s emotion matches their emotion, a connection is made. Your wife doesn’t want a Mr. Fix-it, or a Mr. Nice Guy. She wants someone who can feel what she feels.
When you are listening to your wife, stop trying to think of some brilliant response and instead connect with her with your facial expression, eye contact, and touch. If you and your wife have grown a little distant, the eye contact may seem hard at first, but persevere!
Are you skeptical? You may have a reason to be
I can hear you saying that you are doubtful that changing your attitude would work with your wife. And, you may be right–depending on how long she has gone without feeling loved. You see, when a woman doesn’t feel loved for a long time, her own love starts to shut down. And she has no idea how to start it up again. As far as she is concerned, she won’t believe it is even possible for it to start up again.
Your wife can’t start her own in-love feelings. And she can’t be talked into them. Only your actions can do that for her.
What happens if she stops loving you?
If she stops loving you, she is eventually going to start to think about leaving you. After all, in her mind, that’s the only way that she can feel love again. She doesn’t just want to feel loved by you–she also wants to feel love for you. The longer she has been trying to make herself feel that way, the less hopeful she will be about your relationship.
You need to do something really unfair to restart her love
You have to give her love even while she is unable to give it to you. I know it’s not fair. You would like to be instantly rewarded for your new and loving behavior. And, she would like to be able to give it to you, but she can’t. Women can’t manufacture love in their hearts–you have to do that.
How much time it takes depends on how long she has felt unloved. The part of her brain that she can’t control (her sub-conscious) does not trust you. So it won’t turn on those feelings of love until it trusts you again. You will need to be consistent without being controlling. And, you must never pressure her.
Don’t test her love endurance
Eventually, feeling unloved and being unable to love you, she will see ending your marriage as the only option of happiness for the both of you. She is not likely to tell you this until she has already prepared to leave. Then, she will see any attempt on your part to get her to stay as your own selfishness and neediness.
No matter how loving you are at that time, your love will be rejected. You are likely to pursue her, which will pressure her and make her want to get away from you sooner. You are best off not using marriage counseling at that time. Working in counseling, on something her heart is not into, will convince her and the counselor that your marriage is hopeless. The counselor will then shift to helping you with an amicable divorce.
I have helped thousands of men to reconcile from this point. I get them away from pursuit, and instead help them to help their wives to relax with them. Only then can re-connection start. Their wives must be re-attracted and come to enjoy their relationship again. That can’t happen with pursuit, pressure, or persuasion.
If you are not at the point where your wife wants to leave you, don’t wait for it. Create love in your wife so that she can love you more. That’s what you want, but it is what she wants too. Women want to love just as much as they want to feel loved. They just can’t do one without the other. And, that depends on what you do.
Don’t be like the guy that never changed the oil in his car because he knew a good place to get an engine rebuilt.