Is your partner charming, deceptive, manipulative and possibly dangerous? You may have fallen into the trap of a narcissistic sociopath. Is there a way to make it work?
Have you fallen in love with a charming person who you have caught cheating on you multiple times with multiple people, but with very good excuses for doing so? Or, who you have found to cheat others financially with no remorse? It is just possible that he or she is a narcissistic sociopath. This is a type of lifelong personality disorder which is not going to respond to traditional methods for working on relationships.
What are narcissistic sociopaths like?
These people are masters of manipulation and persuasion. They have no remorse, and so continue to do whatever they want. They also have no empathy and cannot understand why you get so upset at their behavior. If you catch them in a lie, they will tell you another lie to explain why they told the first lie. Proving to them how you know they are lying will just result in teaching them how to better hide their lies the next time around. Confrontation does not result in behavior change.
Why do narcissistic sociopaths marry?
They are in a relationship with you for one reason only–whatever practical thing they are getting out of it. They are not there for you or for your children. They could kill the children or you, if necessary, while getting a certain thrill out of it and not shedding a tear. Commonly they live with and even marry someone for the money. Because of this, naive, trusting, kindly people with money are likely to be targeted by them for marriage. They can usually manipulate such people for a long time, while continuing to live the lifestyle they choose.
How they handle marital conflict
If you deny them whatever they are getting out of the relationship, they will first try to manipulate you into providing it again–perhaps by being charming or threatening to leave you (to play on your neediness). If that does not work, they will leave you and replace you with someone else who can provide what they need. If something were to happen such as you losing your job or you requiring a lot of their care (perhaps because of a physical disability), they will soon leave. They are not in your relationship to give. They are in your relationship to receive.
How to maintain a marriage with a narcissistic sociopath
For narcissistic sociopaths, marriage is more like an occupation one does in order to get something practical (not emotional). It is essential that if you want to have a relationship with a person with a narcissistic sociopath, you understand the price you are paying in exchange for whatever he or she is willing provide to you in return. You are essentially a kind of sugar daddy or sugar mommy. If you understand your relationship on such exchange terms and the terms are acceptable to you, you can have a long term relationship with a narcissistic sociopath.
Acceptance is key to your own mental health
It also essential to understand that a narcissistic sociopath is not going to become empathetic, faithful, loving, frugal, and committed. They are just not capable of that. Although they could get help to become more that way, they are very unlikely to want to change. If forced into counseling, they will use their charm and persuasive abilities on the counselor to present themselves as misunderstood victims. Instead of hoping for your narcissistic sociopath spouse to change, you will need to settle for their skills of charm and acting in love with you.
Unless required, they will stop being charming (with you)
You will also need to require them to hold up their end of the bargain for you to keep providing what you are. Otherwise, they will slack off. People who get paid whether they do their job or not soon become lazy. Remember that marriage is their job. They are not in it for pleasure, but for profit. For the narcissistic sociopath, this means that if you are not requiring it, they will soon not put energy into your relationship, while still enjoying the practical benefits of it.
Explaining your feelings won’t help
Narcissistic sociopaths make decisions based on the consequences to them rather than on the opinions or desires of other people. So, you can explain your feelings to them until you’re blue in the face and it won’t make any difference. On the other hand, telling them clearly what he or she will or will not get financially or otherwise is going to be of much more interest to them.
A long engagement usually helps to identify such people before marriage, but not always. Regardless of when you discover your partner or spouse is a narcissistic sociopath, you have a choice to make. Can you accept your partner’s cheating and lying until you are dumped at some point, while maintaining tight control on what he or she can get from you, or do you want to end your relationship? There is no middle ground between these two positions. The middle point would be staying with your partner while trying to fix him or her. This will only bring conflict and distance. If you do that, you will end up paying the price for the relationship without getting anything out of it.
What’s the point?
There are a few. First, not all people have the same potential for emotional connection. Some cannot connect at all–ever. Secondly, marrying the wrong person or staying with someone who you know to be know bad relationally sets up you and your children for future harm. Third, you cannot change such people. Forth, just because someone was wonderful at first does not mean they are wonderful. The best way to identify such people is overcome your own needy behaviors so that you can see which problems are created as a product of your neediness, and which stem from your partner’s inability to love you (put you first).