4 Steps to Make Up After a Fight With Your Spouse
Avoiding, fighting, distancing–you know the pattern. This cycle can only happen so many times before the loving aspect of your marriage disappears altogether. Breaking that cycle while still getting your needs met will set you on a good path. With a few skills, you can stop fight damage without needing to give up on what’s really important to you.
Updated March 3rd, 2026
Fighting is not healthy or helpful. I’ve worked with thousands of coaching clients, and none of them ever benefited from it. Fighting, whether in the form of arguments or silence, is never healthy for a relationship. Like dental cavities, they may be common, but they are never a good thing. Prevention, not avoidance, is the healthy way. And, if you do happen to have one, then it’s best to deal with it right away so the problem doesn’t grow bigger.
Knowing how to talk about problems without fighting is one of the best ways to not have fights. It also helps to know other methods for resolving problems, as I will get to in step four.
If you don’t know how to prevent fights or other ways to work on problems, you are not alone. I didn’t start out with that knowledge and needed to learn. The steps aren’t hard, but they do take practice. Aim for improvement, not perfection, feel good for every step of progress you make, and when you make a mistake, just keep moving forward.
Why fights damage your marriage
Fighting is not a battle of logic. It’s a personal battle of hurt and hurting that makes us feel less safe and less attached to our partner.
If you are already feeling that distance growing in your marriage, you know what I mean. Fights make us feel hurt and angry at the same time. After a while, they make us sad. If fighting happens too often, we and our spouses will eventually not care. Saving the marriage at that point often requires professional help.
I’m going to assume that your marriage is still basically okay, with some good connection when you are not fighting. You are learning how to talk about problems without fighting, but are still fighting sometimes.
Let me help you with four steps to make up quickly and get back to relationship building.
1. Expect your spouse to be upset and be okay with it
It’s perfectly normal for you to be upset after a fight. That goes for you, and it goes for your spouse. What people do when they are upset often comes out of years of learning, although there may be some genetic components, too.
Some people will cry while others will play video games or do other reality escape behaviors. Some will seek support from their friends and family, while others will withdraw and isolate. And, some people get more extreme and pack their bags, make divorce threats, and drive off to stay somewhere.
They are attempts to:
- Self-soothe,
- Escape emotional danger, and
- To regain control.
When those behaviors are not dangerous or abusive to us, we need to allow them. The reason for that is that if you take away someone’s coping behavior, they do worse things.
Get familiar with your husband or wife’s typical behavior. See it as their way of coping and don’t get upset about their coping response. Getting upset because your spouse is upset will just make your spouse more upset, and you will have a vicious cycle going on.
Accept and expect differences
You and your spouse may vary widely in who calms down first. Don’t expect that to change. If you are the person who calms down first, then you will be the one initiating the make-up behaviors. There is nothing wrong with that.
Occasionally, my clients will complain that they are the ones to always initiate dates, talking, sex, and other positive activities. What I ask them is how their spouse responds when they initiate. If their spouse is receptive and positive, there is no problem except for my client’s internal rule that their spouse also needs to initiate.
Not initiating does not mean not wanting what you want. Rejection is the actual behavior that says, “I don’t want what you want.” Responding well to your initiation is actually saying, “I want what you want.”
If you are the one who always initiates making up, it does not matter. What matters is what happens when you do.
2. Return and validate your spouse
Validating your spouse after a fight feels as unnatural as getting up an hour early to exercise. But the more you do it, the easier it will become, and the better shape your marriage will be in. Keep in mind that this is not about giving in. You are not going to give in to anything. All you are doing at this point is either agreeing with the truth in what your spouse has said. That’s it–nothing more.
You are not apologizing, you are not promising, you are not explaining, and you are not restarting a discussion. Your goal is to reconnect with your spouse in preparation for moving away from the fight. After that, you can work on solving your problem in a more effective way than fighting about it.
Your listening and validating without apologizing, promising, explaining, or returning to the discussion should help your spouse to further calm down and be heard. This helps to prevent any prolonged time of tension between the two of you.
Let’s look at a couple of examples of this.
Example 1:
You and your spouse had a fight because you believe your spouse is not doing his or her fair share of chores at home.
Your spouse has said during your fight: “I do a lot around here. You are always after me for not helping enough, and I am sick of it.”
Probably your spouse also blamed you for some things. You can pick anything your spouse has said where you find some truth. If you can’t find any, then keep looking because there is always some truth in what people say, even when the rest of what they say is not true. Focus just on the true part.
In this case, you could agree by saying,
“I thought about what you said. You actually do a lot, like working to put food on the table. That’s very important.”
You can add other things you agree with as well, using examples to support your validation of your spouse. Then zip it. Say no more. Agree only. Make no demands on your spouse. If he or she doesn’t respond, then just go do something else and give him or her time to process.
If your husband or wife blames some more, then just agree with the truth in what he or she is saying. Don’t argue.
Example 2:
You and your spouse had an argument because your spouse is not feeling like a priority and blames you for being unavailable. You had tried to explain to your spouse how you are always available, but when you suggest doing things together, you always get rejected.
Think about what your spouse said and find some truths in it, no matter how hard it is to admit to yourself. After some time to calm down, go to your spouse and say something like:
“I thought about what you said. I guess I really haven’t done a good job of helping you feel like a priority.”
This is an obvious truth since your spouse doesn’t feel like a priority. Your spouse may be unreasonable in his or her expectations, but it doesn’t change this truth.
If your spouse reiterates the point or has others, then just find truth in it and agree with that. Ignore any false statements. Doing this will disarm your spouse and reduce the anger.
Allow time for processing
Every time you sincerely agree with something your spouse says, you take more and more energy away from his or her anger.
Remember to give your spouse time to process what you say. Don’t expect an immediate positive reaction. If you get a cold reaction, then walk away and give him or her some time to process what you said. As long as what you said was sincere agreement, his or her anger will dissipate.
Focus on restoration, not fairness
It might seem unfair to you because you are the one listening and not your spouse. Remember what I said about someone has to go first? Your goal at this time is not to get validation for yourself, but to end the tension. Your reward for this will be the reconnection that happens.
3. Initiate an activity that your spouse enjoys
Next, get back to doing something positive together. Usually, an activity is better than more talking, though if an activity isn’t possible, you can talk about something your spouse enjoys talking about.
What kind of activity am I talking about? Something simple that doesn’t require a lot of planning. Examples would be going for a walk together, having a cup of coffee, relaxing in the hot tub, or even washing the car. This will help you and your spouse to get out of obsessing about whatever problem you were fighting about.
If your spouse is still upset and rejects you, be okay with that. Try again later.
If your spouse comes to you with more blaming that he or she thought of, then just go back to agreeing sincerely without adding more.
The skill of agreement, more than any other, will help you to end the fighting in your marriage, while not preventing you from resolving problems in a more effective way. My book, Connecting Through “Yes!”, can help you to get good at agreeing, even with very difficult subjects.
What do you do after you have stopped the distancing and gotten back on a positive track? The fourth step is resolving the problem that caused the fight.
4. Fix, in a good way, the problem that you fought about
Although the first three steps will help you to make up after a fight, they don’t go far enough to prevent more fights. This is because they don’t actually solve the original problem. If you don’t solve it, then you will once again be fighting. That’s no good.
If you believe what you were fighting about is really important, then you need to switch to some other method of dealing with the problem.
It may mean:
- Finding common ground and doing problem solving around that with your spouse.
- Or it may mean improving your relationship and using a positive request.
- It could also mean using a boundary to stop damaging behavior.
The main thing is to not try to solve this problem again by discussing it with your spouse. The only time we can really work together on a problem is when we both agree on the outcome we want. When that’s not possible, we use a different method.
What is your next best step?
If your marriage is basically good, but there is some occasional fighting, you are doing many things right. Good job! Working on the steps I gave you today should help you to reduce or even eliminate the fighting. If you need some practice with listening and agreeing, my book Connecting Through “Yes!” will be a helpful learning tool.
On the other hand, if your fights have gotten your marriage to the point where nothing you do seems to be making things better, it is time to get help. I will be happy to work with you one-on-one to get you and your spouse enjoying each other again. See my Difficult Partner Coaching Package for details.
And, if you really are wondering if your marriage is salvageable, get a Consultation with me. Either I will help you find some ways to improve it, or your session is free. There is almost always a way to make things better.
FAQ
How do you make up after a fight with your spouse when your spouse is still upset?
Expect your spouse to be upset and allow normal coping responses when they are not dangerous or abusive. Get familiar with the pattern and do not get upset just because your spouse is upset.
How do you validate your spouse after a fight without apologizing or restarting the argument?
Agree only with the true part of what your spouse said. Do not apologize, promise, explain, or restart the discussion. Your goal is to reconnect so you can later solve the problem in a better way than fighting.
What should you do if it feels unfair that you are the one making up first?
Focus on restoration, not fairness. Your goal is not to get validation for yourself right then, but to end the tension so reconnection can happen.
How do you solve the real problem without starting another fight?
Do not try to solve the problem again by discussing it the same way. Instead, switch methods: find common ground and problem-solve, use a positive request, or use a boundary to stop damaging behavior.
For further study:
Salvatore, J. E., Kuo, S. I., Steele, R. D., Simpson, J. A., & Collins, W. A. (2011). Recovering from conflict in romantic relationships: a developmental perspective. Psychological science, 22(3), 376–383. https://doi.org/10.1177/0956797610397055
