How Neediness Can Push a Spouse Toward an Affair
Neediness in marriage contributes to many affairs. The things you are doing in your effort to improve your marriage may actually be pushing your spouse away.
Almost everyone has some neediness, even though most people are not aware of it. The more of it we have, the more difficult it will be to maintain relationships. Very needy people can only have short-term relationships because their relationships quickly become unenjoyable for the other person. Such people either need to learn better ways to get their needs met, or move from relationship to relationship.
Some needy behavior is tolerable in a relationship as long as it doesn’t increase. I often work with men and women who became needy following a life event such as the death of a parent, moving to a location away from friends and family, or even their spouse getting a new job.
Example: How jealousy pushes a spouse away
For example, a man who never previously displayed jealousy may start to when his wife talks about the men and women at her new job. While she is excited and wants to share, he becomes reactive and interrogating. If this goes on, her coworkers can become more enjoyable than her husband. Then, an affair becomes more likely.
In a case like this, her husband’s jealousy, lack of validation, and interrogation have pushed her away from him and toward her coworkers. What he was doing to try to protect his marriage was actually not protecting at all–it was increasing the emotional distance and risk of an affair.
If the husband realizes what he is doing soon enough and changes to being interested and enthusiastic about his wife’s job or friends, he can turn things back around.
Example: How criticism damages emotional connection
Many spouses are bearably critical, but can become unbearably critical if their life is not going well. The death of a friend or family member, a job loss, or illness may make them less concerned about expressing their criticism. Their depression, which can manifest as anger, can make them unconcerned about their spouse’s feelings.
I can understand if my wife is irritable due to a temporary illness, but if it continued long term, it would erode our relationship. I’m sure the same is true for her. Although our childhood or our experiences may be reasons for our needy behaviors, those reasons don’t stop the harmful effects of our needy behaviors.
The reasons for what you do will never excuse what you need to do.
The top three reasons spouses emotionally distance
If your spouse prefers to be with others more than with you, then it may be that…
- You are less similar to your spouse than others.
- You are very helpful, but not very emotionally connecting, and/or
- You have some needy behaviors that make you less enjoyable to be around.
When spouses have affairs, they consider their affair partner to…
- Be more similar than their spouse,
- Be more emotionally connecting than their spouse, and
- Be more enjoyable to be with.
If we want to reduce the temptation of our spouse to have an affair, we must do all that we can to be similar, validating (which promotes emotional connection), and free from unenjoyable needy behaviors.
What are needy behaviors in marriage?
Neediness is not dependency
Many people confuse neediness with dependency. They are not the same. Whereas a certain level of dependency is desirable in a relationship and helps our spouse to feel valued, neediness makes our spouse feel inadequate. Our neediness makes them feel like they are not good enough, not loving enough, not trusted enough, not smart enough, or not normal.
Neediness is in your interaction, not in your head
Needy behaviors include things like criticizing, arguing, complaining, interrogating, giving unwanted explanations, and repeatedly discussing relationship problems. The intent of such behaviors is to convince, correct, increase positive interaction, or to protect the relationship. So, when people are fearful of losing their relationship, they often do more of these behaviors. That makes their relationships even worse.
Some people say they “can’t help it”
I have worked with some people who have learned about needy behaviors, understand the damage that they do, yet find they can’t stop themselves from doing them. They have obsessive thoughts like “I have to ask him if he is cheating on me,” “I have to tell her how she owes it to me to have more sex,” “I have to explain why I wasn’t wrong in this situation,” and so on. These “have to” thoughts produce bad outcomes and so are self-sabotaging.
I have a few explanations for this. One of the most common reasons people persist in damaging, needy behaviors is that they get occasional results. Like playing a slot machine, you will win if you play long enough. Even though you will lose money overall and be poorer than when you started, that feeling like “next time may pay off” keeps people playing.
A healthy alternative to arguing
Arguing may produce needed change once in a while. But the other times you argue will do damage. This is why people say, “pick your battles.” I think that is a very bad expression, because it implies that sometimes we should battle. I would rather say, “avoid a battle by finding a better way.” The Bible tells us in numerous places not to argue. Besides the Bible, our own bad results can teach us if we pay attention to them.
Not arguing does not mean that you “stuff” your concerns. A good alternative to arguing is validating what you can, while setting boundaries for anything intolerable. That prevents arguing and creates positive change without accumulating damage. Often people who argue suffer from a need to be viewed as right, to be understood, or to receive approval. A secure person simply focuses on doing what is right whether others approve or not.
If you don’t know better, you can’t do better
There is another major reason that people don’t stop their needy behaviors. Although they know the behaviors are damaging, they don’t know better ways to improve the relationship. You can’t build a marriage with arguing, but you can’t build it with silence either. If that’s all you know, then you are likely to argue, criticize, complain, and so on because at least there is some hope for a little change, even if this behavior does damage. If you don’t know how to do better, you may not even consider that there is a better way. (Coaching tip: There always is).
Reconciling skills never include needy behaviors.
Underlying fears fuel needy behaviors
Underlying fears can also push us to do damaging things. “If I don’t question him, he will think I don’t care and then he will cheat on me.” “If I don’t tell her how she is unfair to not have sex more often, then she will stop having sex with me altogether.” Of course, such behaviors actually make people more likely to cheat and lose their sexual desire.
Fear of abandonment can also drive people to criticize any seeming lack of love, question any deviation from routine, and interrogate any sign that our spouse might be attracted to other men or women. Unfortunately, in trying to prevent being abandoned, abandonment becomes more likely. None of the needy behaviors are protective. They all promote rejection and abandonment.
Fears are self-fulfilling when they lead us to do or say things which worsen our relationship. The best way to deal with the fear of abandonment is by strengthening your relationship with behaviors that make you seem both more secure and more desirable. That is the actual combination that prevents affairs.
The behaviors that do promote good relationships include consistent friendliness, selective sharing, showing interest, being a good listener, cooperative problem solving, validation, and romance. These are the skills which actually result in emotionally connected relationships in which each person’s needs are met. They make people feel good, right, normal, similar, and desirable.
Unless a person learns to substitute relationship promoting behaviors for needy ones, their relationships can degrade into conflict, avoidance, affairs, and divorce–usually in that order.
Needy reassurance seeking also contributes to affairs
Repeatedly asking or accusing (both needy behaviors) with statements such as “do you love me?” or “you don’t love me” makes it seem that you don’t trust your spouse and doubt their love. This and other types of reassurance-seeking create emotional distance. You get the reassurance you want while making your relationship worse in the process. The more careful your spouse has to be not to trigger your anxiety, the harder it will be to love you. Walking on eggshells and loving one’s spouse don’t fit well together.
The antidote for seeking reassurance via asking is to self-reassure via observing. Do your spouse’s words, actions, and time with you signal interest or disinterest? If disinterest, then questions and accusations won’t restore it. You need to use relationship-promoting behaviors to do that.
Overcoming neediness and promoting faithfulness
Interesting your spouse or others in you is a matter of being interesting. Being attractive to your spouse or others is a matter of being attractive. Being respected by your spouse or others is a matter of earning respect. Do you see the pattern? We can create or fail to create what we want in our spouse depending on how we talk, behave, and interact.
You can’t stop a spouse from being attracted to other people. All people will be attracted to attractive people. But you can be the kind of person that your spouse loves to be with every day. And you can be the person your spouse would fear losing if he or she cheated on you. Giving up needy behaviors and replacing them with both loving and secure behaviors will accomplish both of these things.
Why affairs can happen even in good relationships
A person will not cheat on a valuable spouse if they believe they will lose their spouse by doing so. Needy behaviors make our spouse feel like if they cheated, we still couldn’t bear to lose them, and if they divorced, we would still remain friends. This lowers the fear of having an affair and reduces the use of personal boundaries.
The combination of being undervalued by your spouse and your spouse having little fear of losing you, no matter what, is the fuel just waiting for someone else to strike the match.
Just like God, strive to make your spouse feel loved, but not needed. It may sound harsh, but it is protective when it comes to preventing cheating. Cut out the needy behaviors, have friends other than your spouse, and enjoy what you do both with and without your spouse.
Action steps
To overcome your neediness and help to prevent affairs in your marriage:
- Eliminate all needy behaviors.
- Be the kind of person your spouse would be attracted to if he or she didn’t even know you.
- Be consistently welcoming and warm with your spouse.
- Validate your spouse every time you interact in order to maintain emotional connection.
- Use good boundaries so that any needy behaviors your spouse has no longer work with you.
- Treat your spouse the way a potential affair partner would so that your spouse could only gain newness, and not improvement, by being with someone else.
If you need help overcoming needy behaviors, I recommend you get a copy of my book, Overcome Neediness and Get the Love You Want.
If you would like one-on-one help with any of these steps, my Re-Connections Coaching Package will do that by teaching you how to interact with your spouse. You can learn exactly how to present yourself and respond to your spouse in order to create a close emotional connection.
Marriage is a lot of work, but it is enjoyable work that brings more benefits than any career could–as long as you do the work.
FAQ
What is neediness?
Neediness is an effort to improve a relationship by using behaviors which are actually damaging, such as criticism, complaining, and arguing.
How does neediness promote affairs?
Needy behaviors create emotional distance, decrease value to one’s partner, and provide reassurance that an affair would not spell the end of the marriage. Cheating becomes a lower risk thing to do.
How can neediness be overcome?
By recognizing all of the needy behaviors one is doing and replacing each of them with secure and loving ways to improve the relationship. Most needy behaviors go unchanged because people don’t recognize them as needy and also don’t know what to do instead.
For further study:
Russell, V. M., Baker, L. R., & McNulty, J. K. (2013). Attachment insecurity and infidelity in marriage: Do studies of dating relationships really inform us about marriage? Journal of Family Psychology, 27(2), 242–251. https://www.closerelationshipslab.com/_files/ugd/8a7697_60f57ce5b5bc47858bf64972f7322d43.pdf
