Feel like there is no romance in your marriage? Here are some ways to get away from routine, habitual talking and put fun and new ideas into your relationship, without compromising your values.
Today’s culture would have you believe that if you want romance, it’s time to get a new partner.Nothing could be further from the truth! The romance that a loving faithful couple can have far exceeds anything a single person can have. Romance isn’t something that just happens naturally after you have been married awhile.
In my experience helping couples to rejuvenate their relationships, routine and habit are enemies of romance. Although you can’t exactly be spontaneous when you have jobs and kids, you can make your conversations more fun. Here are 10 ideas for introducing some harmless fantasy talk.
1. Fantasize any good thing about your spouse that you desire. It will help you to be positive toward your spouse and to increase attraction. This is especially important if you tend to think about what your spouse won’t do. Positive fantasies put the law of attraction to work for you. Only share this fantasy with your spouse if he or she would also enjoy the same image.
This is not a time for disguising your criticisms as fantasies. For example, don’t tell your spouse that you are fantasizing that he was actually getting things done on time. Instead, fantasize what you and your spouse would be doing with your time together–sailing on the ocean, relaxing in your hot tub, having a huge barbecue with every friend you have ever had. The sky is really the limit.
2. Learn to overcome the insecurities that prevent you and your spouse from talking about your dreams and desires. What are you afraid of? Is it helpful to be afraid of that? What would being able to share anything do for your relationship? An important thing to realize about fantasies is they are just that. They are not plans or intentions. They don’t commit you or our spouse to anything.
Be careful of sharing any fantasy that would scare your spouse or violate his or her morality. Complete openness in marriage creates disaster, but that doesn’t mean we need to be completely closed off. Learn to be somewhere in the middle.
3. Sharing dreams and fantasies can also be used for healing and comfort, just as a nice bedtime story often is for young children. It can be a way of bonding and sharing. This is particularly nice if your spouse is stressed out or anxious. For example, if your spouse is worried about an upcoming operation, fantasize about how you will be able to enjoy some specific things more once he or she has recovered. That will help him to look past the operation.
4. Remove the TV from your home I do not have one. TV promotes negative fantasies as well as reduces the time you can spend with your spouse talking and creating your own adventure. Trying starting with an intentional “power failure” night. See how it changes the interactions in your family.
5. Think about becoming the man or woman that your spouse wants to fantasize about. Even being able to do that 10% can double your attractiveness. A little coaching could make a big difference. What do your spouse’s fantasies represent? A desire for intimacy? Adventure? Relaxation? Even though you may not be able to give it in the same way your spouse fantasizes, doing anything in this direction can help you to be closer.
6. Share little, “safe” fantasies with your spouse before sharing more wild fantasies/strong>. Trust needs to be built slowly. Getting to the point where you can share your thoughts and desires takes time but will make the two of you closer than you are with your best friend. By going slow, you can measure your spouse’s comfort level with your ideas. Even your wild fantasies, however, should not be anything that promotes infidelity. A fantasy about riding Harleys across Canada is fine, but don’t throw in any biker bar orgies.
7. If you have an insecure spouse, continue to share good fantasies which show your love and desire for your spouse. Don’t demand that your spouse share in the same way. The moment we start demanding is the moment we start to lose more than we gain. Never put down your spouse’s ideas as not being enough. If your spouse can only do a little, make him or her feel good about that and you will get more.
8. Remember that when you listen to a fantasy, you are not committed to taking any action, any more than if you watched a movie on the same thing. But, if you and your spouse share some of the same fantasies, then you can have great adventure in working on them. There is no rule that you can’t work on making mutual fantasies come true.
9. If you sexualize the word fantasy, use the word “visualization” instead. It is good to have a sexual fantasy about your spouse, but it should only be one of the fruits in the basket and not the whole basket. Your spouse can be your sex object if he or she is also many other things as well. No one want to just be an object.
10. Keep your spouse’s fantasies private. Unless he or she gives you express permission to share a fantasy, don’t, even if you think it is harmless. Otherwise, the trust will disappear and with it, the sharing.
As a child, you fantasized about what you would like to do as an adult. Now that you are an adult, you can continue to fantasize about what you would like to do with your spouse. It could be the greatest adventure you have in your life. Dreaming about people you don’t have a relationship makes no sense. It doesn’t get you the other person, it contributes to your own dissatisfaction, and it makes your relationship more distant. Being single is no adventure compared to having a spouse who helps you to make your dreams come true. Sharing your fantasies with each other will create the romantic mood that helps to keep your relationship alive. It will also stimulate more ideas for adventures you can actually do together.