Resent Your Spouse? How to End Resentment and Improve Your Marriage

Feeling used or taken advantage of can seriously erode your love for your spouse and lead to a worse marriage. I want to give you three steps to fix this and improve your marriage.

Resentment is a feeling we have when we do things for someone, expecting something in return that we don’t get. Or it is a feeling that someone owes us something due to a past wrong they did.

We may simply want recognition and appreciation for our service. Or, we may want our spouses to help us the way we are helping them. We may even feel that they owe us an undefined amount of suffering.

• I work all day and she doesn’t even bother to clean the house.
• I always listen to him, but when I say something, he isn’t interested.
• I am the only one who does anything around here.
• I do a lot and don’t even get a thank you.
• After all I did for my spouse, I can’t believe he (or she) did that to me. I’ll be damned if I’m going to be loving now.

For each of these examples, there is an action by one person and an expectation of action by the other person which doesn’t happen. Is there something you are doing or did, with an expectation of appreciation, service, affection, sex, money, or anything else, that you don’t get? Do you need your spouse to suffer until some balance is achieved when you can be loving again?

It could also be that you do get something in return for your service, but not as much as you believe you deserve. Do you feel like you have to do a lot just to get a little? The feeling that you have in these circumstances is resentment.

Resentment due to past wrongs

I want to say a little about this kind of resentment, and then focus on the other kind for ongoing issues. If you are needing your spouse to suffer for a past wrong, then your main problem is lack of forgiveness. Christians realize that our spouse’s sins are no worse than our own and if not for the grace of God, we would be headed toward Hell as our final destination. The Bible tells us that if we don’t forgive, we won’t be forgiven. In the words of Jesus Christ:

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. (Matthew 6:15, NIV).

Whether or not you are Christian, a lack of forgiveness will ultimately destroy your relationship with your spouse. You will never get your spouse to suffer enough so that it somehow undoes the wrong that was done to you. Punishing your spouse punishes you at the same time, by preventing you from having a peaceful mind and a loving relationship.

If you can’t forgive, then you are better off divorcing sooner rather than later.

Forgiveness does not mean forgetting and it is not a feeling.

Forgiveness is a decision to behave in a particular way.

Forgiveness is an action which starts with a decision. When we forgive, we no longer bring up what happened and stop expecting any kind of payment for what was done. We behave as though it never happened. This is how God forgives all of our sins when we accept Jesus’ death on the cross as the payment for our sins. Jesus took the full penalty for all the sins of those who turn to him.

Forgiving does not put you in more danger of it happening again. In fact, lack of forgiveness, puts you more at risk for a whole slew of bad behaviors from your spouse, including complete rejection. Being loving while having good boundaries is the best way to prevent future wrongdoings by your spouse.

(I could do a very long piece on forgiveness, but I want to move on to the other kind of resentment, not based on the past). PeacewithGod.net is a good site to visit to start your journey to have peace of mind.

Resentment for ongoing behavior

Resentment is kind of like disappointment and anger mixed together.

People handle their resentment in different ways. Resentment often provokes criticism, blame, and arguing. Others may behave more distant and cold, while denying anything is wrong when asked. Neither of those methods of coping actually improve anything. Instead, they result in getting even less affection or appreciation.

It is quite possible to nag your spouse into doing more, but that will create resentful compliance in your spouse. Initially your resentment will decrease while your spouse’s resentment will increase. But then you will become increasingly resentful for having to nag your spouse and your relationship will become worse.

Harboring resentment is like having termites gradually weakening the structure of your home.

The best methods for improving relationships resolve conflict while increasing emotional closeness. These are always the skills I teach my clients. You can begin to put an end to resentment by changing your beliefs. This is step one. Step one is not communicating your dissatisfaction to your spouse, as this just creates conflict.

The key to having good relationships is not talking about problems. It is helping your spouse to enjoy you while having good boundaries. Nothing else will lead to relationship success.

Don’t take my word for it, just try it and see. We all have beliefs which handicap our success (otherwise we would all be successful).

Believing that everything you believe is right is the most handicapping belief of all.

Step One: Changing the Beliefs that Lead to Resentment

How beliefs can lead to resentment

You may have grown up with the belief that the best way to get people to like you is to do things for them. Or, you may think that if you do things for other people, then they will do things for you. Like many false beliefs, these are partially true.

Critical thinkers take time to identify both the lie and the truth in whatever is being said.

The truth is some people will like you if you do things for them. Some people will do more for you if you do more for them, and some people will sometimes do more or like you more.

There are many people who don’t share your reciprocation belief. The more similar your spouse is to you, the more likely he or she is to reciprocate your beliefs, provided your relationship is otherwise good.

If your spouse was raised with different beliefs, you may not get reciprocation. Your spouse may believe for example, that each person needs to take care of themselves. Or may believe that you are supposed to do certain things by virtue of the fact of your gender. He or she may think, I shouldn’t have to ask, or I shouldn’t have to thank you, and so forth.

A classic example of differences in beliefs creating resentment is a Japanese person giving a Western person a wedding gift. In Japan, the gift recipient is expected to return half the value of a gift to a relative (and the full value to a friend). The Western person on the other hand is not likely to do more than give a thank you card.

The difference in beliefs may make a Japanese friend resentful for only getting back a card and may even end the friendship. An explanation is not likely to be given and the Western person may never be able to understand what happened. Such differences in expectations happen in marriages very often, even between people from the same culture.

Cross cultural marriages have a high failure rate due to the increased differences between husbands and wives.

Change your beliefs to stop resenting your spouse

If your spouse is not giving you what you want in return for what you do, even it is only appreciation, you need to change your belief. The word “some” is helpful in this case. Simply tell yourself,

• Some people return service for service.
• Some people like you more if you do things for them.
• Some people will reciprocate if you give them something.

By adding the word some, you will have made the belief completely true. It will open your mind to learning rather than judging, so you can more effectively get what you want from your spouse.

Can you agree with the following statements?

• Some kids naturally do things because they are considerate.
• Some kids will do things if you ask them nicely.
• Some kids need to be motivated in a different way.

Well guess what–these same kids become adults with the same motivations. The one you married may be in a different group from you.

Accurate beliefs can help you to save time and effort doing things that don’t motivate your spouse. If you are doing something in order to get reciprocation, and that doesn’t work with your spouse, then you can stop doing it because it doesn’t work. Doing it more won’t make it work more.

It may also be that you believe Activity A to have high value whereas your spouse believes Activity B to have high value. If so, then doing Activity B will get you more reciprocation. For example one compliment may create more reciprocation than cleaning the whole house top to bottom.

For another, cleaning a bathroom may be more effective than 100 compliments.

Your spouse may be reciprocating in a way that you don’t recognize

If your love language is words of affirmation, you may be expecting words of affirmation in exchange for saying nice things to your spouse. However, your spouse may have a love language of physical touch and get more physical with you while not necessarily saying anything nicer.

Look for ways that your spouse may be trying to show appreciation or reciprocation to you. Your husband may be getting more intimate when you would rather he do more chores. Your wife may be working extra hours as her way to reciprocate, even if you would rather she be more sexual.

Recognizing your spouse’s efforts are expressions of love, even if they are not in the way you would prefer, can help you to be less resentful.

Change your beliefs about your spouse needing to reciprocate in the same way you do something. I am often teaching men that if they want to get more sex, they need to do more nonsexual things. The opposite could be said for many men.

Step Two: Change your expectations to stop resenting your spouse

When we continue to take the same actions, without getting good results, it means our expectations are off. If asking your spouse repeatedly for what you want does not get what you want, then stop expecting that it will. If criticizing your spouse repeatedly does not get you what you want, then stop expecting that it will. If doing things for your spouse does not get you what you want, then stop expecting that it will.

The wrong expectations cause us to spin our wheels and create frustration and resentment. One simple question that many people don’t ask themselves is, “What would make my spouse desire to do what I am wanting?” Or, “What used to make my spouse desire to do these things early in our relationship?” These questions can give you big clues about how to really motivate your spouse.

If I expect my potatoes to enjoy the same fertilizer as my lettuce, I will get good lettuce, but lousy potatoes. Learn to match your expectations to the person. Some people in your life are potatoes; others are more like lettuce (I am the potato type).

Most of the time that people are upset, it is because their expectations do not match reality.

People with anger control problems try to change reality to match their expectations rather than matching their expectations to reality. As a result, they rarely feel at ease and have many social difficulties.

Are you thinking, I don’t want to change my expectations, I want to change my spouse? If so, then you may end up eventually changing spouses.

I shouldn’t have to are words unsuccessful people use to justify not doing what they actually have to do to be successful. You do have to to do what it takes to have a good relationship with your spouse if you want to have a good relationship with your spouse. Thinking you shouldn’t have to doesn’t change anything.

Step Three: Create fair conditions to stop resenting your spouse

Even if you love your spouse exactly the way that he or she loves you, you still will not get everything you need or want. Your spouse cannot fulfill all of your needs, regardless of how clearly you communicate them, how nicely you match his or her love language, how attractive you are, or how good your boundaries are.

God didn’t create humans to be able to get all their needs met outside of a relationship with Him. Having a relationship with God–a real relationship–will go a long ways toward making you feel secure and getting more of your needs met. Unmet needs contribute a lot to resentment.

People without a relationship with God, like a tire with a hole in it, have to keep doing something to refill themselves.

It is also important that you spend time with friends and family, participate in activities that you enjoy, and make sure that you have the same financial opportunities as your spouse. Inequality of free time or use of money in relationships can create resentment fast.

Regardless of who earns the money, in marriage, the money belongs to both equally. This is because two become one. Marriage is both shared burdens and shared blessings.

You may need to use good boundaries to promote fairness if your spouse is selfish. Boundaries work very well in relationships which are otherwise good. In damaged relationships, it is necessary to help your spouse value you more before you can use boundaries to create change.

If you have a very loving and considerate spouse, then you may not need many boundaries. If you have a spouse who considers you only if is going to affect him or her, then you will need to have a lot of boundaries. Remember, you have to adjust your behavior, and your expectations, to the person and to the situation.

Learn specifically what you have to do to get what you want

Being nice won’t get you connection. Being similar won’t get you attraction. Being attractive won’t get you respect. Corn seeds grow only corn. Cucumber seeds get only cucumbers. If you aren’t harvesting what you want from your spouse, you may be planting the wrong seeds.

Let’s get specific:

If you want more appreciation, do what your spouse values, but don’t do it excessively. Then you will regularly get appreciation. If you do things excessively (all the housework) for example, you will end up having to do more and more to get the same amount of appreciation.

Parents who do everything for their children do not raise appreciative children. They raise children who believe the world owes them everything. People who do everything for their spouse do not get an appreciative spouse. They get a less appreciative one.

If you want more emotional closeness, then you need to be more similar and use good validation skills, rather than doing things for your spouse.

If you want more physical intimacy and you are a woman, you need to be sure to be desirable. If you are a man, you will need to be sure to be desirable and use good connection skills.

If you want it all, then you need to do it all.

The purpose of doing our fair share is never to get closeness. It is to prevent the resentment that will happen if we don’t do our fair share. To get closeness means doing the same kind of things you did when you were single to help your spouse to enjoy your relationship.

The purpose of boundaries is to create respect and to stop damaging relationship behaviors. While you still need to do your fair share, and you still need to be desirable and validating, you also need to have boundaries to get respect when you are being disrespected, and to promote fairness when your spouse is being unfair.

Dealing with resentment by arguing, complaining, nagging, or rejecting is like trying to grow a nice lawn by planting weeds. The more you do it, the worse it will get.

If you are a weed planter in your relationship, get my book, Overcome Neediness and Get the Love You Want to stop planting those weeds.

Other help is also available

For thirty years, I have been helping people to be more desirable, create closer connections, and use good boundaries to improve their relationships faster than any other way. I have two coaching packages that you may like to check out. One is for being more desirable and creating a closer connection. the other is for learning to use good boundaries with a difficult spouse. You can see both on my website, coachjackito.com.