If your wife always complains, don’t make the mistake of just ignoring her. This is a warning sign like a grinding noise in your engine and if you don’t take care of it, you may lose your wife altogether.
When your wife first started complaining, you may have tried to do things to make her happy. But, as the complaining continued, you probably felt like there was nothing more you could do and then just started to tune out her complaining. This head-in-the-sand approach to marriage is the beginning of the end. Take the time figure out why your wife always complains and what you can do about it. This will make your life more pleasant and put renewed life into your marriage.
Why your wife always complains
Men are often quick to come to a conclusion about why women do things and then stick to that conclusion, even if it is totally wrong. To be successful with women, as in business, it is important to consider all of the reasons that may be accounting for problems. Most of the time, and especially with women, there are likely to be multiple contributing factors.
1 Is it her personality?
Personality characteristics endure for years and generally begin in adolescence. Before you conclude that it is your wife’s personality to be a complainer, consider if she has always been this way. People with personality problems can improve their behavior temporarily, as with new relationships, but then start to show their true colors. If her complaining goes back to before you were married, it increases the probability that this is her way of having a relationship. If she also complains about other people, then you can be even more sure that her complaining is about her and not about you. She will have to learn that this way of behaving does not work in order to make changes. That will mean boundary work on your part.
2 Is it her way of trying to make your relationship better?
If your wife always complains, it may be an indication that she wants things to be better. Many women believe that by pointing out problems and saying what they don’t like, that their husbands will then make the desired changes–resulting in an improved relationship. This is especially true for needy women who don’t have the skills for maintaining a close relationship. Although you will need to have good boundaries to help her learn this way does not work, you will also need to know how to help her get more of what she wants. You will mainly want to help her get what she needs when she is behaving well and not when she is trying to force it out of you. Otherwise, you will end up rewarding her complaining, teaching her it does work, and increasing the amount of complaining that she does.
3 Is she intentionally trying to distance herself from you?
When a wife always complains, even when her husband does many things to make her life and their relationship better, then it is not improvement that she is after. This is particularly likely to be true if the things she is complaining about never bothered her before, and the things she is complaining about tend to be petty. Her complaining is a way of creating emotional distance which will make it easier for her to end your relationship through a separation and/or affair. This is an often misrecognized divorce warning sign. She may also be intentionally antagonizing you in order to get you to end the relationship and/or have an affair, so that she will not feel responsible for ending it. You will need to start rebuilding your relationship and work on becoming a more attractive man so that she will not feel like she is missing out on something better by staying with you.
Preventative measures to reduce complaints and build your relationship
Regardless of why your wife complains, the way you behave or have behaved over the years may be a contributing factor. Often men were better partners before getting married or only early on in marriage. That is not fair to women and is the wrong behavior for maintaining a marriage. There is nothing about simply being married which makes a woman either enjoy her husband or want to stay married to him. That will depend on the work you put into your marriage.
1 Be fair and helpful
Being fair doesn’t mean being equal in the amount of work you do. It means each person working to their ability. If you are more able than your wife, then you may need to do much more than your wife or get extra help for her. Help with the housework, even if you have a job and she doesn’t. Same for raising children. She needs time off, time for herself, and time with her friends without you. Although being helpful does not bring romantic attraction, it will reduce your wife’s stress and make it easier for her to spend time with you–when you can build the romantic attraction.
2 Stay attractive
Think back to when your wife was first attracted to you. Why was she? What was so attractive about you that she would choose to marry you over other men? How much does who you are now resemble who you were then? Many men I work with have lost their attractiveness by getting out of shape, no longer spending time with their friends, no longer having a passion in their life, and so on. Have you lost your mojo? Another way to think of it: If you were going to have an affair, what changes would you need to make to attract another woman? How about making these same changes to work on attracting your wife?
3 Treat her like a girlfriend, rather than like a wife, mother, or business partner
Do you treat your wife like a “wife”? Is that different from the way you would treat a girlfriend? If so, why is it? Many men have the mistaken idea that women somehow transform from girlfriends into mothers or business partners when they get married. If you were behaving toward a girlfriend the same way you do with your wife, how long would you expect your relationship to last? If what you are doing would not please a single woman, then it won’t please your wife either. If you are very helpful, you will get her appreciation. If you want to get her affection, then you will need to learn how to make your wife happy with you and not just what you do for her. If you don’t treat your wife like a girlfriend, your wife may become attracted to another man who does. Keep her on fire for you so that other men’s sparks won’t be so appealing.
4 Have good boundaries and don’t be needy
Some men are really patient with their wives–to the detriment of their marriage. For example, men may be patient with their wives no longer going out with them, no longer spending one on one time with them, or no longer having sex with them after having children. They let their wives prioritize the children and neglect the marriage. Rather than this being a temporary situation, it usually becomes a permanent one since the emotional attachment between the husband and wife is lost. Criticizing and complaining to your wife about her behaviors is not going to fix this or any other situation. These and other needy behaviors can drive her away. If your behavior demonstrates a lack of trust or the need for reassurance, you are damaging your relationship rather than protecting it. There are ways to overcome neediness and ways to fix a sexless marriage and you can learn them both.