Difficult Spouse? Get Improvement without Conflict (Part 2: Action Steps)

(In Part 1, I talked about why trying directly trying to fix your spouse backfires. Now let’s focus on what to change in yourself to make your spouse naturally respond better).

It’s not a chicken and egg question and never has been. People won’t enjoy you if you have needy behaviors.

And, unless they enjoy you they will have little motivation to treat you well. You have to change yourself before your husband or wife will treat you better.

When you change the way you interact with your spouse, your spouse will change the way he or she interacts with you. Also, he or she will like you more or less, depending on your changes.

Here are some common needy behaviors that damage trust and make marriages worse

If you have any of these, eliminate them before doing more. It won’t be enough just to stop them for a day. Aim to have three months with zero of these behaviors. That will help your spouse to trust you more. Trust is developed by being consistently trustworthy over a long period of time. There are no shortcuts to developing trust.

Ineffective and needy ways to permanently stop a spouse’s damaging behaviors:

• Sharing your negative feelings about your spouse’s behavior with your spouse,
• explaining to your spouse why you don’t like something he or she is doing,
• questioning your spouse about the behavior,
• debating and arguing,
• reacting defensively to your spouse’s blaming and criticism,
• blaming your spouse for his or her behaviors,
• doing the same behavior back to your spouse,
• complaining to others about your spouse,
• shouting, withdrawing, crying, or threatening.

There are a lot more, but if you can give up these methods, then you will also be stopping most of the other bad ones.

You have to give up doing these things even if your spouse is doing them.

How to improve your marriage without fighting or conflict

Let’s just imagine how a person a person can make one small change to learn how to deal with a critical spouse.

Example: how to deal with a critical spouse calmly

Lisa’s husband says, “You spend too much time online. I wish you’d spend more time cleaning this messy house.”

Lisa replies in a nonreactive way: “The house is pretty messy, isn’t it? I’d be happy to work on a chore schedule with you. Would you like to set up a time to do that?”

Notice that Lisa not only doesn’t get emotionally reactive, she doesn’t defend her online use and she doesn’t blame back.

Two wrongs don’t make a right. Fighting fire with fire just makes a bigger fire. Fighting for your marriage damages it. You have to love for your marriage, not fight for it. Deprogram yourself by replacing the destructive programming with constructive programming. Read the Bible, go to church, listen/read a daily devotion. Turn off the negative videos.

Learning to deal with a critical spouse is just one example of many changes you can make to end your spouse’s damaging behavior.

After you’ve ended your needy behaviors, it’s time replace those bad marriage habits with good ones.

Swap out your ineffective habits for effective ones to improve your marriage

The process of growth is pruning what doesn’t work and growing what does.

Substitute good behaviors for the bad ones:

• Frequently share your positive feelings about your spouse and his or her behavior,
• let your spouse know why what he or she does makes you feel so good,
• ask your spouse questions that he or she would like to be asked,
• refuse to participate in damaging behavior such as arguing,
• look for truth in your spouse’s blaming or complaints and work to change those things which you wouldn’t like either if you were him or her,
• be loving and happy to see your spouse, despite his or her faults,
• say good things about your spouse to others,
• resolve to never shout or try to hurt your spouse, no matter what your spouse has done to you,
• use good boundaries to stop your spouse from continuing to do bad behaviors,

Your next step is to be a desirable partner. Stopping negative behaviors makes you less repulsive, but it doesn’t make you more desirable. For example, just because you don’t argue doesn’t mean that you are enjoyable to talk to. Many unenjoyable people don’t argue.

How to become a more desirable partner

There are many ways to become more attractive. I will give you several here.

Add these attractive behaviors in place of the ones you took away:

• Stay in good physical shape,
• wear clothing that makes you look attractive,
• use a good posture,
• move with purpose and energy,
• develop some interests that match your spouse’s interests,
• have an enjoyable life apart from your marriage,
• make your spouse feel loved, but not needed (this means you can be happy with or without your spouse),
• do not complain to your spouse, except when empathizing with your spouse’s complaints,
• be careful not to spend too much or too little time with your spouse.
• trust in God, that no matter what happens, He will be there for you.

You will find that besides the good impact on your marriage, that you will enjoy your life much more by giving up the needy behaviors and replacing them with secure yet loving ones.

Turn knowledge into action for real relationship results

When you hear these lists, you may feel really good because you are doing most of the things or really bad because you aren’t.

I guess most people that are here are in the latter situation. Don’t get down on yourself for the things you are not doing! Punishing yourself with negative self talk will not improve your situation. Instead, you need to look at the the changes you can make as exciting opportunities. Each one that make is going to make your relationships better. You can even rebuild a badly damaged marriage this way.

Some people will instantly find excuses not to do these things. The majority of people listening to this will think they are good ideas to keep in mind, but not actually work on any of them. Remember, the majority never have success. Successful people always do something that the majority don’t.

I challenge you right now to be part of the successful minority. If you can take the following actions right away, you will be:

• Write out or print these lists of don’ts and do’s,
• identify what you need to work on,
• prioritize the list,
• identify actions you need to take to accomplish your top priority,
• put the actions on your schedule, and
• check them off as you do them.

You may not want to do things this way. My way is not the only way just because I happen to thing it’s the best way.

Here are some popular alternatives:

Alternative 1: Go to counseling and get validation for your bad situation. Feel justified for the way you feel about your spouse and treat your spouse. Seek out ways to be happy apart from your spouse. Perhaps even divorce and start over with someone else. (This might sound sarcastic, but this is actually the solution for the majority of people who cannot make the changes I am talking about).

(Related article: Marriage Coaching vs. Marriage Counseling).

Alternative 2: Keep reading books and watching videos, educating yourself about relationships until that day that you will make all the changes that you are learning. This avoidance approach gives people hope while not requiring them to take any immediate action steps.

Alternative 3: Just keep trying to get your spouse to change. Who knows? Maybe your spouse will do what you want and your relationship will be really good. I doubt it, but you can prove me wrong. Although the odds don’t favor it, people win the lottery all the time.

Why coaching helps when change feels impossible

Now, let’s get to a question near and dear to my heart and life’s work:

“If people can just follow these lists, then why would anyone need coaching?”

Just because something sounds or looks easy doesn’t mean that it is. I think of it like skiing. Skiing looks easy, but when you start you will fall down a lot. You will feel tired and sore. Then as you practice it becomes easier and more fun. Then it becomes easy and natural. A ski coach can help you learn good form, stop bad habits and help you create good ones. Then you will enjoy skiing more and progress faster and further than others who never get to the advanced trail.

Just trying to do something that sounds easy, like “be relaxed and friendly,” can be difficult in real life. How do you be relaxed and friendly when your spouse comes in the door scowling and avoiding you? How do you make a boundary that will prevent your spouse from misusing the finances? How do you respond when your spouse blames you for being inconsiderate? Learning the specifics is what a coach is for.

(Related article: Achieve Your Goals with Coaching)

Get help making lasting changes in your marriage

My advice is to do what you can on your own. If you get stuck, you don’t have to spend a lot of time struggling alone to find solutions. Coaching will give you a way to work with someone who knows how and can walk you through the steps. Sign up for my Difficult Partner Coaching Package and I’ll work with you one-on-one until you are unstuck and moving in the right direction again.

Learn more about self-change and relationship improvement:

Buyukcan-Tetik, A., Finkenauer, C., Kuppens, T., & Vohs, K. D. (2013). Both trust and self-control are necessary to prevent intrusive behaviors: Evidence from a longitudinal study of married couples. Journal of Family Psychology, 27(4), 671–676.