Will Dating Others Help You Get Your Cheating Spouse Back?

Updated May 12, 2026

It might seem justified to date others if your spouse has cheated on you. And, you might think it is a good way to make your spouse reconcile with you. But, both ideas are wrong and will hurt your chances of keeping your marriage together. There is a better way.

When we are hurt and betrayed, the natural thing to do is to strike back. The things we are naturally inclined to do protect us by creating emotional distance. Arguing, being critical, and striking back are all in that category.

While it is important to keep yourself emotionally safe with good boundaries, striking back and tit-for-tat behavior make an affair more desirable, not less desirable, for your spouse. And, dating others while wanting your spouse to end an affair will also quickly turn you into a hypocrite. Being the second to cheat doesn’t make it any less wrong.

Why reconcile with a cheating spouse?

If you ask me why you should stay with a spouse who is cheating, I would tell you it is a good question. It might not be a good thing to do at all. But if you do want to reconcile, you need to do what it really takes. We only fail when we don’t do, or can’t do, what it takes to achieve our goals. I’ve been helping people do what it actually takes to reconcile for more than thirty years.

Isn’t it helpful to create jealousy?

Sometimes people think that if they date others, it will make their spouses jealous. They reason that if they make their spouse jealous, that will help them to reconcile. Sometimes, this is exactly what happens. You activate your spouse’s fear of losing you, which can then bring you back together.

It can have other effects as well. It can make your spouse feel less guilty about cheating on you. In fact, some cheating spouses encourage their spouse to date others for that very reason. And, it can let your spouse off the hook with other people, like family and friends.

Regardless of the short-term effects, your cheating will reduce your spouse’s trust in you, have long-term repercussions, and may even be used to justify your spouse’s next affair.

Do men and women respond differently to affairs?

Men and women tend to have affairs for different reasons, though that difference is diminishing in current society. What is important to know is that the jealousy approach can cause long-term issues that never go away, whether you are a man or a woman.

The best affair prevention measure that men can take is to keep their emotional connection strong with their wives. The best prevention measure that women can take is to be loving and secure, with good boundaries.

Of course men and women should strive to be loving and secure to prevent affairs, to end affairs, and to prevent further affairs after reconciling.

Dating others, while separated, makes it more difficult to love your spouse again

Dating others, whether husband or wife, will prevent your relationship from becoming as close again. Creating jealousy is a temporary fix with long-term damage. This is like people drinking saltwater to quench their thirst, only to severely damage their health.

Cheating on a cheating spouse is damaging. Even if your spouse were never to find out about your cheating, it would impact your ability to emotionally reconnect. Unfaithful behavior not only damages relationships, it also impacts the way we feel about our spouse.

Many people who have open marriages or affairs are not able to fall in love with their spouse again, even when they want to. They feel very frustrated and want to be in love with their spouse, but just don’t seem to be able to do it. I have found this to be a bigger problem with women than it is with men.

Agreeing to date others while separated makes it much less likely you will reconcile.

Is it okay for Christians to date during separation?

Dating others is a violation of your marriage vows. It also violates God’s Law. When we marry, we promise faithfulness for better or for worse. We don’t promise to be faithful only as long as our spouses are. For Christians, we are not only living up to our vows, but to the standards that God has set for us—for our benefit.

When we violate those standards, we harm ourselves and our relationships. We have a harder time turning to God for love and support. Harming your relationship with God by not being faithful to your spouse will not help you.

The challenge and expectation that God gives us is to love others (including our spouse), even when they do harm to us (Matthew 5:43-45).

Jesus set the example we are to follow. It was not fair that Jesus Christ died instead of us. He didn’t sin. He didn’t deserve it. He was betrayed. But, because of His love for us, he even died on a cross for us. Is it too much suffering to remain faithful to our spouses as long as we are married?

It is not a question of fairness. It is a question of how much you can sacrificially love your spouse. And, if you date others and don’t reconcile, how will you know if staying faithful wouldn’t have made a difference?

Letting go is easier if you know you did everything you could for your marriage.

If you have children, your spouse will no longer be the bad guy for cheating. You will both be blamed if you also date someone else while married.

Should non-Christians date while separated?

Even if you are not Christian, you will be better off not dating others. You may feel it’s not fair that your spouse gets to date others while you don’t. In this case, it’s important to consider that you are the one who wants to reconcile. If that is your goal, then cheating on your spouse will not help you achieve that.

Dealing with the temptation to date others

There are several good ways to resist temptation. You can pray and read the Bible daily. You can also worship weekly. Be sure to tell your friends you are committed to your spouse. Make sure you stay far away from dating sites. Never assume that you can play with fire and not get burned.

To avoid sin, we must flee temptation (2 Timothy, 2:22). This doesn’t mean get into tempting situations and then run away from them. It means not getting into them in the first place.

Do you strongly desire to date others?

If you want to date others, then end your marriage and give up all idea of reconciling. If you can do that without second-guessing yourself, then dating others makes sense.

I help people end their spouse’s affair. The people who really want to reconcile do not desire to date others. I won’t work with someone to stop their spouse’s affair if they are dating others. Regardless of who started what, we always have to start with ourselves to build relationships.

How do you reconcile with a cheating spouse?

Ending a spouse’s affair is not a matter of waiting. Neither is it a matter of being patient, submissive, or manipulative. What is it about? It’s about being a valuable spouse and being willing to put your marriage on the line to get your spouse to reconcile–those two things, in that order. This is what gets a spouse to give up an affair or other unfaithful behavior and reconcile.

Being valuable alone won’t do it. Neither will boundaries alone. If you would like guidance to successfully end your spouse’s affair, I can offer you two resources.

For women, my book, A Christian Guide to Preventing and Ending Men’s Affairs, will help you with all aspects of reconciling, including managing your emotions and deciding whether you even should try to reconcile.

For more direct guidance and a tailored step-by-step approach for your situation, I recommend you go to coachjackito.com/affairs.

Affairs don’t have to lead to divorce. Many people have gone on to have happy and lasting marriages even when there has been an affair. Giving up your marriage could be the right choice for you, but don’t do it because you feel you have no choice. You always have a choice.

FAQ

Why should I reconcile with a cheating spouse?

Whether you should reconcile or not depends on several factors related to the ability to have a healthy marriage after reconciliation. If that is not possible, then the loving and healthy thing to do may be to divorce. We often are faced not with good/bad choices, but with having to choose the lesser of two evils.

Will dating others make my spouse jealous enough to give up an affair?

In most cases, no. Even if it creates jealousy temporarily, it can make your spouse feel less guilty about having an affair. It will also damage trust if you do reconcile. That makes repeat affairs more likely.

How do you reconcile with a cheating spouse?

By being the kind of husband or wife your spouse would not want to lose, and then putting your spouse in a position to have to choose between you and the affair partner.

For further study:

Baucom, D. H., Gordon, K. C., Snyder, D. K., Atkins, D. C., & Christensen, A. (2006). Treating affair couples: Clinical considerations and initial findings. Journal of Cognitive Psychotherapy, 20(4), 375–392. https://psicologia.udd.cl/unir/files/2010/05/treating_affair_couples_clinical_considerations_and_initial_findings_baucom_d_2006.pdf