How to End Your Spouse’s Affair WITHOUT Marriage Counseling

Updated September 15, 2026

Marriage counseling is NOT a good way to get your spouse to give up an affair. Only coaching and marriage retreats provide the skills for rebuilding marriages. Which you should choose depends on your situation.

When a marriage retreat makes sense

If both you and your spouse want to improve your relationship and do not know how to go about it, I recommend that you attend a marriage retreat and not marriage counseling.

Marriage retreats help people to learn skills rather than rehash problems. Repeatedly talking about problems can result in your spouse having even less desire for you. That’s true whether you do it at home or in a counselor’s office.

My personal favorite retreat for couples is Weekend to Remember. This retreat has sound values for marriage and has many locations. Your church or denomination may also offer marriage retreats.

Keep in mind that marriage retreats are only helpful when both husband and wife are motivated to improve their relationship and are committed to their marriage already. Talking an unmotivated spouse into going to a retreat will not result in improvement.

A retreat is not a good choice if your spouse is having an affair, but it can be a future step once the affair is ended.

When working on your own makes sense

If your spouse is not yet motivated to learn good relationship skills, you can work on your own to re-attract and reconnect with your spouse. That will create more desire in your spouse to be together and to have a better marriage with you.

Sometimes people need to do this when their spouse is having an affair, because forced to choose, the spouse would prefer to divorce and keep the affair partner. When an affair is a symptom of a bad marriage, often one person must build first. Then the cheating spouse has to choose between his or her spouse and the affair partner. If the cheating spouse gives up the affair partner, then a couple can continue to build the marriage together.

Whether or not you need to work on your own before forcing your spouse to choose depends on how likely your spouse is to choose you. It also depends on your ability to wait before making your spouse choose.

Why not marriage counseling for ending an affair?

What do you suppose happens when a couple goes to marriage counseling and only one of them is motivated to improve the relationship? If you think the counselor works to convince the reluctant spouse to work on the marriage, then you are mostly wrong.

A few counselors do try this, with the result that the reluctant spouse feels ganged up on and does not return to counseling. There is nothing that the counselor can do that will motivate a reluctant spouse to work on their relationship, let alone give up an affair.

Why unfaithful spouses go to marriage counseling

Occasionally, people who are having affairs will go to counseling to appear to be working on the relationship. This is a delay tactic as it keeps the faithful spouse from taking any drastic action. People who want to have their cake and eat it too, know their spouse isn’t going anywhere as long as the marriage counseling is going on.

So, to get away with an affair, an unfaithful spouse may go to counseling to pretend to be working on the relationship. Their pretense is obvious because they remain hostile or minimally participate in sessions. They also minimally follow through or avoid counseling homework. This is because they are trying to keep emotional distance in their marriage. That justifies, in their mind, continuing the affair even if they are the one creating the distance.

This is why petty arguments are an affair warning sign. People who are having affairs, whether separated or not, are not motivated to become emotionally close. Trying to get a cheating spouse to work on your marriage with you would be a frustrating experience that could lead to your losing hope. Leave working together for after the affair is ended.

Social pressure and marriage counseling

Sometimes cheating spouses will attend marriage counseling in order to show family and friends that even counseling is not helpful for their situation.

What happens in marriage counseling during an affair?

Experienced, ethical counselors make it quite clear in marriage counseling that if an affair is going on, then joint counseling will not help to build the relationship. In fact, the unfaithful spouse must stop all contact with the affair partner before they will be able to get couples counseling.

Unfortunately, most counselors do not hold to this ethical standard. Like the medical industry, the psychology industry focuses on providing ongoing treatment rather than cures. There are exceptions, but they are not easy to find.

Another issue is that counselors often prefer to help their clients to transition to amicable divorce rather than to try to end the affair. This matches their skill set which focuses on promoting communication and diagnosing problems. Most counselors are not skilled in teaching boundaries or solo relationship development, which is typically required for ending affairs.

A notable exception can be found in Christian Psychologist James Dobson’s book, Love Must Be Tough. Dr. Dobson was my role model for becoming a Christian counselor many years ago. His book is still very helpful. I only disagree on one point. He has people write a letter to their cheating spouse and I have found that not to be helpful.

Many counselors choose to see the husband and wife individually

Often a counselor will recommend that a husband and wife both work with the therapist, but separately. This is not an approach for reconciling. The individual sessions will NOT be used by the therapist to persuade the cheating spouse to give up their affair. That would alienate the cheating spouse, who would drop out of counseling.

I believe this practice is unethical and have never done it. When I was working as a marriage counselor, I agreed to see either husband or wife while their spouse counseled with someone else. I never worked with the cheating spouse and still don’t. The power to end an affair rests with the faithful spouse, who is motivated to save the marriage.

Do not be misled into thinking that individual counseling for your unfaithful spouse will ever lead him or her to give up an affair. Instead, your cheating spouse will be supported by the therapist and encouraged to end your marriage while remaining friends with you.

How about marriage counseling once the affair has ended?

Even if the affair has ended, it is not good to go to marriage counseling right away. If you have ever ended a relationship with someone you cared about, then you know that you are not ready the next day to work on building your relationship with someone else.

There is a time of struggle and mourning, after giving up an affair, that needs to happen. Not until then will the cheating spouse be emotionally invested in reconciling.

If you don’t take that time, you will again have the situation of a half-hearted person minimally cooperating with the counseling process. That’s a recipe for failure that can make both of you give up on counseling.

It is better to wait until you are both ready for marriage counseling so that the counseling is more likely to be successful. Even then, a marriage retreat may be a better choice than rehashing old problems. You and your spouse need to learn to enjoy each other again. That doesn’t happen by talking about your problems every week.

Relationship coaching is a better choice while your spouse is having an affair

Getting a spouse to give up an affair requires several skills related to relationship building and boundaries. You need to learn these without your spouse being present or informed of what you are learning. If your spouse were present, he or she would argue about issues rather than support your good use of boundaries. Also, your spouse would see any relationship improvements you made as manipulative.

The skills you need for ending your spouse’s affair

Three required skill sets

1. Re-attraction. A spouse is not going to give up someone they are more attracted to in order to be with someone they are less attracted to. This is not all about physical appearance or doing more chores. This means becoming the kind of person who would make your spouse desire you more than an affair partner if meeting both of you for the first time.

Relationships are competitive before, during, and after marriage. We must always do our best or risk losing our spouse to someone else who does better. You may not like this reality, but you need to understand this reality. Your spouse will choose who he or she most desires. You may not be the most desirable right now, which is why you need to work on these skills.

2. Reconnection. Your spouse has to enjoy being with you and talking with you more than he or she enjoys the affair partner. Fortunately, just as with attraction, getting good at this is a matter of learning and practicing skills. You will have to learn to be especially good with validation.

You also must end any invalidating needy behaviors such as arguing, criticizing, and interrogating. My book on overcoming neediness can help you stop these behaviors.

3. Boundaries. Without proper boundaries, your spouse will end up enjoying you and his or her affair partner. You will be friend-zoned. Perhaps you will be a friend with benefits. Many people who seek to reconnect without using boundaries make their spouses glad they chose to have an affair. They get an improved marriage and a lover on the side. Only proper boundaries can prevent that from happening.

Don’t fall for the lie that improving your marriage will make your spouse want to give up his or her affair partner. People spend millions of dollars on such programs only to find that it results in their spouse having their cake and eating it too. Your spouse won’t want to give up his or her affair no matter how much you build your marriage. He or she will have to be given a forced choice between giving up the affair partner and losing you.

People only give up something or someone they value in order to keep something or someone else they value more and would otherwise lose. If they wouldn’t otherwise lose one, they would simply keep both.

Your chances of ending your spouse’s affair

If your relationship was terrible for years, your spouse currently hates you, and the affair partner is wonderful, you don’t stand a chance. Fortunately, that is rarely the case. As long as you have some civil communication and a reasonably good marital history, you have a good shot at reconciling.

Notice that your chances are not increased with marriage counseling. If you are willing to learn to be competitively desirable, to consistently use good connection skills, and good boundaries, you will maximize your chances for ending your spouse’s affair and reconciling.

If you are uncertain if your marriage is salvageable, I recommend you get a coaching consultation.

If you are ready to work on the required skill sets, my Coaching Package for Ending a Spouse’s Affair will help you learn them starting with your first session.

Whatever you decide, don’t spend months in counseling while your spouse continues to cheat on you.

FAQ

Can we save our marriage if my spouse doesn’t want to end his/her affair?

Yes, but you will have to be able to balance building your relationship on your own while having good boundaries. Then it will come down to your spouse having to choose between you and the affair partner.

My cheating spouse is willing to go to marriage counseling. Should we go?

Marriage counseling will not decrease your spouse’s desire for the affair partner. It will help your spouse to prolong the affair while ensuring that your marriage is intact. Counseling can be helpful, but only if the affair is ended first.

Why should I try to end my spouse’s affair? Shouldn’t I just divorce?

If you have been a good spouse, your husband or wife is cheating and won’t stop, then divorcing makes sense. If you have damaged your marriage with your own behavior, then you may have regrets if you don’t try to rebuild a loving and committed marriage. In other words, divorce can be a character problem in your spouse, or a symptom of a damaged marriage. Character problems are not likely to change, but marriage can be restored. Many people have successfully done so.

For further study:

Mitchell, E. A., Brown, K. S., Spencer, J., & Harris, K. (2026). Staying Together After Infidelity: An Exploration of the Decision-Making Process of Recovery From the Perspective of the Injured Partner. Journal of marital and family therapy, 52(1), e70110. https://doi.org/10.1111/jmft.70110