Can I Date Others if We are Separated Due to Spouse’s Affair?
Posted On February 1, 2021
Although it may seem fair to you if you date others, this behavior can only hurt your chances of permanently reconciling.
Dating others while wanting your spouse to end an affair will also quickly turn you into a hypocrite. Dating others while being married is cheating.
You are still married, even while separated. You have also not given up on your relationship with your spouse.
Isn’t it helpful to create jealousy?
Sometimes people think that if they date others, that will make their spouses jealous. They reason that if they make their spouse jealous, that will help them to reconcile. Sometimes, this is exactly what happens. However, it never happens without causing long term damage to the relationship.
In the short term, your spouse may reconnect with you. In the long term, it undermines your spouse’s trust in you. Although your spouse cheated on you first, he or she may continue to be angry with you for your unfaithful behavior.Explaining that it was somehow fair won’t change your spouse’s feelings.
Gender differences with affairs
A man, in particular, is likely to use his wife’s behavior to retroactively justify his previous affair and any future affair. Related to this, I never see a woman have an affair, and her husband stay faithful to her after. The same is not true of women.
Dating others, while separated, makes it more difficult to love your spouse again
Dating others, whether husband or wife, will prevent your relationship from becoming as close again. Creating jealousy is a temporary fix with long term damage. Something like a person drinking saltwater to quench their thirst, only to die of kidney failure.
Cheating on a cheating spouse is damaging. Even if your spouse were to never find out about your cheating, it would impact your ability to emotionally reconnect. Unfaithful behavior not only damages relationships, it impacts the way we feel about our spouse.
Many people who have open marriage or affairs are not able to fall in love with their spouse again, even when they want to. They feel very frustrated and want to be in love with their spouse, but just don’t seem to be able to do it. I have found this to be a bigger problem with women than it is with men.
Agreeing to date others, while separated, makes if much less likely you will reconcile.
Is it Okay for Christians to date during separation?
Dating others is a violation of your marriage vows. It also violates God’s Law. When we marry, we promise faithfulness for better or for worse. We don’t promise to be faithful only as long as our spouses are. For Christians, we are not only living up to our vows, but to the standards that God has set for us—for our benefit.
When we violate those standards, we harm ourselves and our relationships. We have a harder time turning to God for love and support. Harming your relationship with God, by not being faithful to your spouse, will not help you.
The challenge and expectation that God gives us is to love others (including our spouse), even when they do harm to us (Matthew 5:43-45).
Following Jesus’ example. It was not fair that Jesus Christ died instead of us. He didn’t sin. He didn’t deserve it. And, He did that because of His love for us. Is it too much suffering to remain faithful to our spouses as long as we are married?
It is not a question of fairness. It is a question of what you want to achieve. Revenge and tit for tat behaviors never promote relationships. If you don’t reconcile, how will you know if your staying faithful wouldn’t have made a difference? Letting go is easier if you know you did everything you could for your marriage.
If you have children, your spouse will no longer be the bad guy for cheating. You will both be blamed if you also date someone else while married.
Should non-Christians date while separated?
Even if you are not Christian you will be better off not to date others. You may feel it’s not fair that your spouse gets to date others while you don’t. In this case, it’s important to consider that you are the one who wants to reconcile. If that is your goal, then your cheating on your spouse will not help you achieve that.
Dealing with the temptation to date others
There are several good ways to resist temptation. You can pray and read the Bible daily. You can also worship weekly. Be sure to tell your friends you are committed to your spouse. Make sure you stay far away from dating sites. Never assume that you can play with fire and not get burned.
To avoid sin, we must flee temptation (2 Timothy, 2:22). This doesn’t mean get into tempting situations and then run away from them. It means not getting into them in the first place
Do you strongly desire to date others?
If you want to date others, then end your relationship and give up all idea of reconciling. If you can do that without second guessing yourself, then dating others makes sense.
I help people to end their spouse’s affair. The people who really want to reconcile do not desire to date others. I won’t work with someone to stop their spouse’s affair if they are dating others. Regardless of who started what, we always have to start with ourselves to build relationships.
How do you reconcile with a cheating spouse?
Ending a spouse’s affair is not a matter of waiting. It is not about being patient. It is certainly not about being submissive. We only submit to those who are submitting to God.
The process of ending a spouse’s affair involves attraction, connection, and boundaries. Each of these must be in place. You don’t do this with your spouse (as in marriage counseling). You do these without even telling your spouse, by getting a relationship coach package for ending your spouse’s affair.