Emotional and Financial Conflict in Marriage: How They’re Connected
Fighting about finances is mainly about the emotional issues. Let me help you today to figure out if emotional issues need to be addressed first in your marriage, or financial ones. The right steps, in the right order, will lead to marital and financial success.
No issue is purely a practical, logical one
I work with lots of logical people who excel in their careers. Logical people tend to see relationships in terms of practical decision making to the neglect of empathy. They are often surprised to learn that they have done a good job at solving problems, while losing their spouse in the process by not staying emotionally connected. Without emotional connection we become business partners or roommates. No amount of money can compensate for that.
The more emotionally laden a problem is, the more necessary it is to listen fully and validate before seeking solutions. This requires patience and a shift in goals. Our goal should be first to connect and then only secondly to solve. Although it may take an hour this way to come to a decision on something you think is obvious and simple, it is time well spent if you are interacting in a relationship sustaining way.
The more similar your husband or wife is to you in beliefs, values, and decision making, the less time you will need to discuss changes. The more different your spouse is, the more careful you will need to be to fully understand and validate your spouse.
Money is one of those areas where people often differ even if they are similar in other ways. Attitudes toward money are one of the key matching areas people need to consider when choosing a mate. Major differences in ideas about spending, saving, or sharing money contribute to a high divorce rate.
Why is talking about money such a problem?
As an example, budgets are marriage savers. However, just saying something like, “We need to make a budget,” can feel both threatening and overwhelming to your spouse. It can also feel like an accusation of financial mismanagement.
Arguing about how much money to spend on Christmas presents can take the fun out of your Christmas shopping. The same goes for buying a home, paying on credit cards, saving for retirement, the children’s education, and so on.
Many people know that these are hot topics, and not wanting to argue, avoid bringing up these topics altogether. Unfortunately, avoidance just pushes current problems to the future where they may be even bigger problems.
We should only avoid where avoiding indefinitely will do no harm. For everything else, we need to learn how to find solutions before problems get bigger.
Not being able to pay off your credit cards in full is something you could avoid for a while, but eventually you will max out your credit cards. You will then still need more money than you have, not be able to get it, and be pressured with huge bills. Any financial issue which is likely to grow needs to be dealt with as soon as possible before it gets to the point where the stress of it will destroy your marriage.
Let’s talk about how to work on financial problems in marriage. The main thing is that you need to…
Use a two step rather than a single step approach for discussing money issues
A two step approach to financial issues entails:
- 1) working on the practical aspects of managing money, and
- 2) promoting emotional connection
It is important to determine which of these steps to work on first. There are some preliminary considerations that will help you to choose the best course.
Start by determining the cause of your financial problems
Always treat the cause and not the symptom. Sometimes the things people fight about are the real issues, and sometimes they are not the real issue at all. Sometimes financial problems cause relationship problems and sometimes relationship problems cause financial problems.
Let’s take a look at an example of how fears can be the cause of financial conflict:
Jennifer’s husband wanted to put a major portion of their income into investments for their future. The problem was that Jennifer was doubtful if they would have a future. She wasn’t thinking about divorce, but she wasn’t happy either. When her husband started talking about their future and investing, it brought her fears to the surface all at once. She would get emotionally reactive and the financial talk turned into an argument.
If Jennifer’s husband can help her to look forward to their future together, saving for their future will be much easier to achieve. People will do many things in bad relationships that they won’t do in good ones and vice versa. Think of the cost involved in taking solo trips, buying a separate place to live, and just going out with friends more to compensate for a lack of connection in the marriage.
If you spend all of your time making money, there is a very good chance your spouse will spend a lot of time spending money to compensate for lack of connection. This is the first place I check when people are having divisive financial conflicts–are they emotionally connected enough?
Assuming that your relationship is very good, there are some other things to check as well.
Are the financial issues connected to your spouse’s feelings of self worth?
Money is tied to feelings of self worth, security, and personal power. Anything that threatens to take that away can cause people to become overly reactive. For you, it may be a simple financial or relationship decision. For your spouse it may be a threat to identity, independence, and social standing.
This can go both ways. Some people have enough money but insist on working all the time instead of spending time together. Your spouse’s focus on money instead of your relationship may be what is keeping him feeling good about himself. Men in particular only feel important if they are making a lot of money.
Money and social relationships
Both men and women may use money to promote their social standing and to get validation from others. To do this they need an expensive car, house, clothes, and so forth. Those bring admiration and also help them to feel good about themselves. Buying meals and gifts for others is another way people seek validation from others.
As bad as this sounds, no one wants to appear like they are doing worse than their friends. I’m sure the same is true for you.
Directly trying to get your spouse to stop spending in this situation will be experienced as limiting and controlling, no matter how much sense it makes. It would mean a loss of freedom and power, a threat to self esteem, and social standing. The logic of the situation is not going to negate these factors. If you get angry and argumentative, you will just create more distance in your marriage and push your spouse more toward social spending and independence.
In order to successfully manage this situation, you are going to have to help your spouse to feel important and be a trophy spouse as much as possible. People only need a certain level of validation and importance. The more you can add to that, the less your spouse will need it elsewhere.
In addition to promoting your relationship, you are likely going to need to create reasonable boundaries and present them in a win-win way.
Keep in mind though, that boundaries come after relationship building, not before.
Otherwise, all you will have is more conflict.
Some people share the same beliefs, but still have conflict over the particulars.
For example, even people who agree that they need to save money or invest money still argue about how much to save or invest. And, when should savings be used for expenses?
Such financial conflicts often occur from a lack of financial planning that takes into account the needs and desires of each partner. One person may want to have fun now; one may want to have a more secure future.
Instead of arguing about who is right, a plan should be made so that both people can get what they want. You may ask, “How can both people get what they want with a limited amount of money?” The answer to that question is that both people can save for what they want, from their own allowance.
A budget and individual savings accounts keep everyone happy.
Most of the people I work with who have financial conflict with their spouse do not have a budget. The only time that I see budgets not work is when people fail to include equal allowances for each person in the budget.
Without a budget, whenever one person spends money, it’s easy for the other person to see that as a threat to what they believe is important. A budget with line items for individual allowances, vacation money, and retirement planning can help each person to be secure. It also allows them freedom to spend their money as they please and to save for whatever they want.
For me, it is a yellow flag whenever one spouse has to ask another for money or for permission to spend money. This is because it creates more of a parental relationship which is not good long term.
As I wrote in my book on overcoming neediness, my wife and I have a budget. Regardless of how
much we each earn, we combine our incomes, allocate fixed amounts for food, insurance, retirement, clothes, recreation and other expenses. Any money after that is divided equally into our personal allowances that we can spend however we want. This provides maximum freedom and power, while fostering equality and paying the bills.
This is a case where practical change comes first, which then enhances the relationship.
Everyone needs some spending money of their own. Those without it are far more likely to feel controlled and to seek divorce later.
If you think that earning more money means that you get to keep more than your spouse, you don’t understand the meaning of the word married.
For some people, they will need to do some relationship building, then create a budget, and then further work on their relationship.
Don’t try to do everything in a single step. When introducing a budget, always start with validation and help your spouse to see how a budget will help them to get what they want.
In marriage there is no way to win if if means that your spouse is going to lose. What is bad for your spouse will also be bad for you. Make sure that you present the benefit to your spouse at the beginning of your discussion and not at the end.
For example, if you are the one more concerned about using money in the here and now, help your spouse with retirement savings first. If you are the one who wants to save for retirement, help your spouse with regular budgeted spending money, in the here and now, first.
Make sure you phrase it that way, rather than assuming your spouse will just return the favor.
For example, you can say something like:
“Let’s make a plan for retirement savings so we can better see how much discretionary income we have to spend.” or “Let’s make a plan for a regular allowance for the both of us. Then we can work on putting some money aside so we can continue to enjoy our lives in the future.”
You don’t have to have the same desires as your spouse. Just find a way that both of you can get what you want. The better your relationship, the more similar your desires will be.
Compromises are a way to reduce damage, but they still do damage.
When compromising, each person needs to give up something they don’t want to. The more you compromise, the more resentment will grow. Don’t seek to compromise, but to create win-win solutions, even if they take a little longer.
I have…
Two lessons for those who want a long and happy marriage
The first is that sooner or later financial crises do happen. So plan for them now rather than hope they won’t happen.
The second is to connect emotionally before trying to work on solutions. Working too much on the practical, in a disconnected relationship, can push marriages over the edge.
I have worked with many men and women who believe that their greatest contribution to their marriage was in being a good provider or homemaker, but who ended up having their spouse leave them. They took care of their spouse’s practical needs, but forgot about their spouse’s emotional needs. Their spouse then sought to end their relationship in order to get these emotional needs filled by someone else.
There is no amount of explaining about how you reasonably and logically did something that will repair a relationship. If you are explaining to your spouse now, you are probably going over in your mind again and again how your spouse is so unreasonable. This will get you nowhere. You need to stop explaining and change your goal to connection.
We need money to survive, but we need love to live. Focus on loving and living and not just surviving.
Success in finances and relationships requires that you not try to fix everything in a single step
You and your husband or wife may be far away from being able to talk about money and visions for your future together. If so, you need to keep in mind that every close relationship was once not even a relationship. There was a time in your life when you and your spouse did not even know each other. You had to use good attraction and connection skills to progress to a point where you both were in love and committed to each other.
You may need to do that again.
Some people will need to rebuild from the first step and some from the middle, but the steps are the same as when you were single. They just happen at a different pace. If you build from the point where your spouse is emotionally, you will be able to make progress. If you start emotionally ahead of your spouse, you will get resistance and be stuck.
Always start building or rebuilding your relationship from the point of no resistance.
Work on that step and move forward when there is no resistance to doing that. This is how I help my clients to reconcile again and again.
Be familiar with the right steps and the right order. Light talk comes before deep talk. A little friendly interaction comes before a lot of loving interaction. None of these steps requires the permission or cooperation of your spouse. What is required is for you to help your spouse to enjoy the current step so you can get to the next one. And the next one.
Instead of asking your spouse to work on your relationship, behave in a way that your spouse will look forward to being with you–gradually, from his or her comfort zone. You will get zero resistance and enjoy the experience as your relationship becomes closer.
Free help for you
My free communication downloads will help you with a few of the skills necessary for doing that. For many people these communication boosting skills are enough to get them moving in the right direction. I’ll put a link in the description so you can download them, too.
If you find yourself stuck in the steps or not knowing where to start.
We can work on connecting, boundaries, or both, depending on your needs. I hope that you now have a better understanding of the dual nature of financial conflict which has both a practical and emotional aspect that needs to be addressed for marital success.
