Husbands’ Guide to Effective Marriage Boundaries

Many men misunderstand boundaries and how to use them effectively to improve their marriage. Correctly used, boundaries will prevent resentment, build respect, and keep your relationship strong. Today, I want to give you guidance to understand and use boundaries effectively with your wife.

What are marriage boundaries?

Boundaries build respect and stop damaging behavior. They are an everyday tool for behavioral therapists and reconciliation coaches, but are neglected by the rest of the counseling community. Your average counselor or life coach is not going to get you very far with behavioral strategies.

Simply speaking, boundaries can be defined as what you will or won’t do. You draw a line which will trigger your action if someone crosses it. People are still free to cross your line. Because of that, they are not controlled by your boundaries. Hopefully though, they will be motivated by your boundaries. Used well, in an otherwise good relationship, boundaries are very effective.

Don’t try to learn boundaries doing couple’s work with your wife. Boundaries are more effectively taught and used by individuals. It’s the same idea as parents being trained to parent without their children present.

Couple’s work is most effective for shared problems that both husband and wife want to improve for the sake of the marriage. When one spouse is acting out, then that spouse will not be motivated to change. And, it is when that motivation is lacking that boundaries are most needed.

Boundaries can result in rapid improvement

The nice thing about behavioral methods is that they create change quickly. My coaching packages are only one month long because I want people to quickly learn what they need to do. Most of my clients begin to see improvement after only one week when they make specific behavior changes.

If you are attending coaching or counseling and doing what your coach or counselor says, but see no improvement within a month’s time, then I recommend you to change to someone who has a behavioral approach.

Too many relationships that could be saved are lost due to the wrong guidance, lack of follow through, or both. Match your goals with the type of help you get.

There are only two ways to have success

One way is to have luck or a miracle. How you label it will depend on whether you are religious or not. This way is not under your control no matter how many wishes you make or prayers you say.

The other way to have success is under your control. That is to make goals which are under your control, take the right steps, in the right order, at the right pace, until your goal is reached–no matter how difficult the steps are.

Lack of success then, results from:

• Having the wrong goals,
• taking the wrong steps or actions,
• skipping steps or starting with the wrong steps,
• moving too slowly or too quickly,
• giving up before goals are achieved.

If you are not succeeding with your relationship, your career, personal development, or any other thing, it is always going to be because of one of more of these five reasons. Identify which ones they are and make the corrections in order to succeed.

Let’s talk about success in the context of boundaries.

If your goals is to prevent your wife from cheating on you, leaving you, misspending money, treating the kids poorly, making the house messy, or any other thing, then you have the wrong goal. It’s not that those are bad things to want to prevent or stop, but they are not directly under your control.

If these are your goals you will tend to come across as controlling, your wife will do what she wants anyhow (or resentfully comply), and your marriage will become worse.

Remember–the right goals are under your control. Don’t make any goals for which your actions can’t lead to the outcome or you will be frustrated and unsuccessful.

So, good goals for success with your wife would be more like this:

• To be the kind of man my wife wouldn’t want to lose,
• To help my wife in every way I can to have a good relationship with the children,
• To help the children to love and respect their mother,
• To make my wife feel beautiful, capable, and a priority to me,
• To get extra help with the cleaning if my wife won’t do it,
• To set up a budget that will help my wife to get more of what she wants, without overspending,
• To be willing to withhold rewarding my wife for unfaithfulness,
• etc.

What I want you to notice about these goals is that they are all under your control. There is no way for your wife to defy them, since they have to do with your behaviors only.

Boundaries keep us from being wimps without needing to be harsh

My wife is also a relationship coach and an excellent one. When we were first married, my wife told me nicely, “Jack, you are free to do anything you want to, but that does not mean that I will stay with you if you do damaging things.” Then, she set about loving me and treating me very well. Her example is the essence of what good boundaries are all about. In combination with love, they keep a marriage strong in a way that conflict or weakness never could.

We need to be the kind of men that our wives are glad to have, but not be willing participants if they do very damaging behaviors anyhow. If we focus on the right goals and work on them diligently, there is no way that our wives are going to find anyone better, even if they did cheat on us or endanger our marriage.

Love comes before requests

We can only be successful in our marriage if we put the right steps in the right order. If you want to have effective boundaries with your wife, then you need to start with this step of loving your wife and being the kind of man she would not want to lose. (FYI Here is a post on how to have a loving marriage).

This is the essence of affair proofing our marriages and it is the route to getting the very best of everything our wife has to offer. Keep in mind that her best may not match your best or your expectations. Everyone has different abilities. You will never get more from people than they are able to give, and trying to do so does damage. Also, though we can get people to do their utmost for short periods of time, if we push them too long, they will burn out and their love for us will end.

We need to be reasonable in our expectations and provide plenty of validation–even if we think we shouldn’t have to. Validation is part of our job as husbands just as much as it is our job as fathers.

Your wife is not your employee and she owes you nothing, because everything you do for her is motivated by your love for her and God, and not because you are earning anything from her. In Colossians 3:19 and elsewhere, God tells us we are to love our wife . It is not our job to make sure our wife loves or obeys us. We are called to love, not judge.

Requests come before boundaries

No one gets everything they want from their spouse. No one. Perfection hasn’t existed in a human being since Jesus was here 2000 years ago. Before we are married, we get the best match we can. Then, we accept for better or worse all those better and worse parts of our spouse. We don’t try to train or control. What we can do is encourage, take care of, protect and love our wife. We we can also make requests.

If you have done the first step of being not just a good provider, but a man who makes your wife feel loved, then your requests are going to have a much better chance of getting you what you want. I recommend you read my blog post on making positive requests if you don’t know how to do this well.

Essentially you are going to express your love, let your wife know what’s in it for her, and what you would like her to do.

Here’s an example:

“My Love, each day at work I’m just looking forward to getting home and being with you. Would you mind doing the laundry and washing the dishes before I come home each day, so that I have more time to spend with you?” Make sure you say things sincerely. There is no place for sarcasm in marriage.

If you are already a loving husband, this request is likely to work very well if it’s in her ability. Never, ever, make your request a complaint or a criticism. Never use fairness as your request reason as that is telling your wife she is unfair. Never tell her it is her duty as that makes loving you a job.

Express your love, make it a win-win request (meaning that you both get something out of it), and be sure to make her feel good for agreeing, if she does.

Remember, you won’t always get what you want, so don’t get upset if she refuses.

Your next step may be just living without it, or it may be using boundaries.

All the boundaries in the world won’t get you everything you want, because you can’t get everything you want. However, if what you want is necessary for keeping you safe, keeping others safe, staying faithful to God, or being able to continue to love your wife, then you need a boundary. Not to use a boundary in these situations would do even more damage to your marriage.

Boundaries are actions you take, not demands you make. And the purpose of the boundary is primarily to create a win-win relationship for you and your wife. If it benefits you only, then it is not appropriate for a boundary. It may be with other people, but not with your wife. We are joined through marriage and what is not good for her is not good for us.

Let me give you a few examples of when to use boundaries

If you are tired from work and have to come home and care of the kids and clean too, eventually you will burn out. Your love for your wife will be gone. That will be bad for you, your wife, and your kids. A boundary is needed for everyone’s sake.

If your wife were refusing to have sex, it could be the same situation. It’s likely to lead to loss of love, resentment, and eventual divorce.

If your wife was treating you disrespectfully and you just took it or were disrespectful back, it would lead to more and more emotional distance. That would be bad for both of you.

If you want to have sex every day and your wife will have sex, but not every day, it is not a reason for a boundary. This is not a damaging situation. People differ in how often they desire sex.

Disappointment is not the same as damage.

Do you get the point? Your boundaries need to be based not only on what you want, but on keeping your marriage and family healthy.

Many people want to jump in with boundaries in these situations, but you can only use boundaries effectively if you have done the first step of loving your wife with all of your ability. If she does not look forward to seeing you each day, then you have to start with getting better at loving your wife.

Love comes first, then requests, and only then can you use boundaries for deal breakers and marriage killers.

When a man asks me if he can use boundaries to end his wife’s affair or prevent divorce, I ask him how much his wife cares about losing him. If she doesn’t, then my answer will be that the boundaries will only create more conflict. If she doesn’t want to lose him, then boundaries can prevent divorce and end affairs.

Do you see how being a good husband is necessary for boundaries to be effective. People who are not valuable cannot start with boundaries to rebuild a marriage. Love comes first. If you’ve got that and you need to use boundaries, let’s talk about how to do that.

Boundaries are expressed with love

No matter how angry your spouse’s behavior makes you, your boundaries need to be consistent with your loving behavior. Boundaries are not weapons. They are aids to restoration.

Before you inform your wife of your boundary, you need to think about your options because you will be presenting them to your wife. Boundaries are not discussions or problem-solving sessions. Anytime you try to discuss a boundary, it will degrade into an argument.

Discussions are only for when you both want the same thing or want to solve the same problem. When only one of you does, it is going to be a request, a boundary, or you letting it go and living without it. Those are the only good choices you have.

An example of using a boundary

Let’s go back to the cleaning example. If your wife won’t clean before you come home, your options are to continue to do it yourself, to stop doing it and live with the mess, or to get someone else to do it. Making your wife do it through coercion is not an option as that would be more damaging than a boundary.

How would you express (not discuss) your boundary? Lovingly, but firmly. Watch your tone of voice. She needs to see the problem isn’t her, it’s whatever you need to deal with.

For example:

“My Love, I’ve been doing some thinking about coming home to a messy house. I’ve realized the most important thing is keeping my love for you strong and spending quality time with you. I know if I keep coming home and cleaning as I have been, I will come to be resentful and love you less and less. I don’t want that. So, I have to stop. That leaves us with a couple of choices that I can think of. If you have another, I would be glad to hear it. But the only thing I can think of is either you do the cleaning or I hire someone to help. To do that, I will need to use some of our vacation money. I know it’s not ideal, but my love for you is too important to lose.”

No matter how nicely you express a boundary, it will always provoke anger because it is something your wife does not want. An anger reaction is normal. Expect it and deal with it well. I will give you some suggestions for that.

How you deal with her response is very important

If she has a better idea, then you can agree to try it for a month, on condition that you will hire someone if it doesn’t work after a month. Try to make her plan work so she can see your sincere effort.

If she agrees to clean, then just like with a request, make her feel wonderful for doing so and be sure to reward her with more quality time together. Let her know though, that if she stops, that will be alright, but that you will go ahead and hire someone.

If she says just hire someone, then just hire someone. It was one of your options. Don’t get upset if she takes you up on it.

Don’t be sarcastic, don’t be doubtful, don’t criticize her performance, and don’t forget to make it a win-win. There may be only a few times in your whole marriage where you have to use a boundary, but when you do, you do it for the both of you.

People who don’t use boundaries either create conflict or avoid dealing with issues. Unlike the temporary anger that a boundary will create, conflict or avoidance will poison a marriage and do permanent damage.

Good boundaries are as much a part of marriage as they are a part of parenting. It goes with the job. If you are often upset with your kids or your wife, you need to lower your expectations and increase your love. Don’t worry about being a doormat, though. That is not part of your job as a father or husband.

Being loving doesn’t mean your job is pleasing your wife

Women don’t want to lose a good husband any more than children want to lose a good dad. However, just like children, many women will do whatever they can get away with–even if it really bugs you and even if it damages your marriage. Part of being a man is not allowing others to mistreat us, even our wife.

If we put up with mistreatment, we lose respect and become unattractive. Don’t make pleasing your wife one of your goals as it will lead you down the wrong path. Instead, love her and create a healthy relationship, even if she or you can’t get all you want (which neither of you will).

Which step do you need to start with?

Today, I’ve told you that if you want to be effective with boundaries, you need to first make sure you are a wonderful husband. In that context, you can make win-win requests and get more of what you want. Also, if your wife can’t or won’t stop a relationship damaging behavior, you can present her with your options, in a loving but firm way.

You then follow through for the sake of your relationship, even though she will most certainly be angry in the short term. I’ve probably made boundaries seem much simpler than they are, but like all skills they are difficult to learn and easy once you are good at them.

If you would like help with any of these steps, I would be glad to help. I will put a link to my coaching package called Restore a Loving Relationship with a Difficult Spouse, in the description. If you will use the right steps, in the right order, you can create a better relationship for you and your wife. Even if she doesn’t want that now, your step by step actions can get her to that place.