How to Confront Your Spouse without Fighting (Part 2, The Right Steps)
Most people either avoid confrontation or fight destructively—but neither saves the marriage. In part one, I taught how to confront without conflict. In part two, you will learn all the steps to an effective confrontation to end problem behavior and rebuild your marriage.
(I recommend you to read/listen to part one of this presentation before this part).
How to confront your spouse with love (example)
Suppose you have already made good positive requests for your wife not be on her cell phone during your dates. But, after two such requests there has been no change. You decide that it will eventually make you not want to date her anymore and so you decide to confront rather than to learn to live with it.
Although there are many things we do need to live with, don’t do that with things that will do long term damage to your marriage.
Suppose your wife’s name is Michelle, here is what you might say to her, either in person, or in writing:
Michelle, you are an amazing woman. I love showing you off when we are on dates. I respect your right to use your cell phone whenever you like. But, when you start spending time with your cell phone on our date rather than me, I will leave the two of you alone by leaving our date.
Don’t expect Michelle to be agreeable or understanding, no matter how nicely you say things. Far from it. She will be upset.
People pleasers and others who are fearful of upsetting their spouse cannot confront effectively or follow through with necessary boundaries. Because they don’t use boundaries, their relationships are far more likely to end. We need to be secure enough to withstand our spouse’s anger or sadness when we are doing necessary boundaries. This is no different from good parenting.
Why people pleasers can’t confront their spouse effectively
We should strive to please God, but not strive to please people. One reason for that is that pleasing people will sometimes come into conflict with pleasing God, who must be priority. Also, people pleasers run into five additional problems:
5 problems people pleasers face in marriage:
- They become resentful when their pleasing behavior is not reciprocated, or not reciprocated enough.
- They are disrespected for their lack of boundaries or failure to follow through on them.
- They are generally thought of as “nice people,” but are not considered very attractive by either men or women.
- They have many acquaintances, but few close friends because although they are helpful, they come across as different.
- Their spouses are more likely to cheat or divorce because they are unlikely to divorce or separate.
If you are a people pleaser, you will need to focus on loving rather than pleasing.
Pleasing is not loving when it damages your marriage or the well being of the other person.
Sometimes it is necessary to do what people don’t like in order to stop a bad behavior which would lose us respect and undermine the relationship.
An example of this is giving alcohol to an alcoholic spouse. While it may please your spouse, it is not a loving behavior because it contributes to damaging his or her health, safety, functioning, and relationships (including your marriage). Putting up with other abusive behavior would also not be a loving thing.
Tough love in marriage: loving when it’s not easy
People who are loving are willing to do tough things for the sake of others, even if they are hated in the process. A prime example of this is Jesus, who died on the cross to please God and love people. It is when we are that way that we create the potential for a very strong and respectful, loving relationship.
I say “potential” because some people not only become angry with boundaries, they end the relationship as well. No matter how loving what you do is, your spouse may still reject you if you don’t do what he or she wants. This is part of the challenge in being a Christian.
How to reduce rejection when setting marriage boundaries
We can make the danger of being rejected much less by doing all that we can to be a really good spouse. When we do that, our spouse may get upset at us, but are very unlikely to leave us. People don’t want to lose a good thing unless it is to get something they think is even better.
Ask yourself whether your spouse feels like he or she is loved and good enough for you. If your spouse does not feel that way, then your confrontation will be experienced as more personal rejection rather than as just a problem with a particular behavior.
Simple marriage boundaries that prevent fights and don’t require confrontation
Simple boundaries can be very effective for many bad behaviors. For example, refusing to argue or walking away if your spouse becomes disrespectful. You can refuse to ride with a drunk spouse or to have sex with a spouse who won’t take you on dates You don’t have to reply to harassing text messages or answer disrespectful questions.
Save your confrontations for the real marriage breakers–the things that if left unchecked will result in divorce, danger, or infidelity.
For simple boundaries to be effective, they must be used consistently.
Inconsistent boundaries strengthen, rather than weaken, problem behaviors.
Keep in mind that boundaries always do some damage and will never be liked. Even so, you use them to stop even greater damage.
If positive requests and simple boundaries are not enough to deal with serious problem behaviors, confrontation will be necessary.
How to confront your spouse the right way (step-by-step)
You may basically understand how to confront, but if it’s not working for you, then you are missing some essential step. Success can only come if we use the right steps, in the right order, at the right pace.
Steps to take for a confrontation which improves marriage:
- End any and all needy behaviors you are doing such as criticizing, complaining, arguing, interrogating, and so on. My book on overcoming neediness can help you with this step.
- Be the kind of person that your spouse looks forward to talking to, seeing, and being with. Do not make it a condition that your spouse has to change before you do that. Remember that God loved us while we were still sinners (John 3:16).
- Make positive requests for desired changes. My post/podcast on positive requests can help you.
- Use a simple boundary if possible and it’s not a marriage breaking issue.
- If positive requests do not work, then consider using a boundary ONLY if not using a boundary will cause marriage threatening damage. (Boundaries always do damage, so we only use them to prevent an even greater damage).
- Confront lovingly, but seriously, and only about one behavior at a time. Working on multiple problems at a time make it too hard to balance them with love.
- Be willing to listen to your spouse’s response, but do not discuss or debate your boundary. Regardless of your spouse’s reasons or feelings, the boundary stands.
- Do not expect your spouse to like your boundary, to be understanding, to agree with you, or make changes without testing your boundary.
- Follow through with your boundary when it is challenged or tested, without giving any additional warnings.
- Be sure to be a loving and valuable spouse, even while maintaining your boundaries. Your spouse should not feel that you are harboring a grudge–just that you will not tolerate the damaging behavior.
- Do what you can to make your spouse feel rewarded for giving up any bad behaviors, no matter how much you think you shouldn’t have to.
- Do not forgive your spouse while the behavior is still going on. That leads to boundary failures and ongoing problems.
Forgiveness is not an option for Christians. It is a requirement (Matthew 6:15). It is one of the fruits of the Spirit which demonstrate that we are Christians. It pleases God.
Knowing we need to do something and knowing how to do it are two different things, so let me help you with forgiveness.
How to forgive your spouse after behavior change
When your spouse stops the damaging behavior, you must forgive by never bringing it up again, by not replaying it in your mind, and by focusing on loving your spouse. When we are forgiven in Christ, God no longer remembers our sins (Hebrews 8:12). That means they won’t be brought up here or after death, and there will be no penalty, regardless of what we have done. In my experience, people who can’t forgive their spouse this way, cannot feel love for their spouse and behave in a way that poisons their marriage.
Forgiveness is one of those things that we can’t do on our own, but can do with God’s help. Make sure you ask him for it, repeatedly.
Although you may feel righteous, there is nothing righteous about being unforgiving.
Managing emotions while setting marriage boundaries
Feelings are a poor guide to behavior, though of course society teaches the opposite. Instead of following your feelings, make a concerted effort to love your spouse. Thank God for your spouse every day, and pray for his or her well being. Make him or her feel like you are such a blessed person to have him or her for a spouse. Say only good things about your spouse to others. And,never put up with his or her mistreatment.
If you do these things, you will grow your relationship and your capacity to love. We only grow by doing things that are difficult.
Doing whatever you feel, results in emotional and spiritual retardation. Doing what is right results in emotional and relational growth.
There is no growth without difficulty. For your love to grow, you must love when it isn’t easy.
How to succeed when confronting your spouse
If you want help applying these steps in your own situation, my coaching packages can guide you step by step. I will help with those steps that can be more difficult because, if your problems are serious, you will want to get this right the first time. I will put a link to my one-on-one coaching packages in the description.
Don’t do things because they feel good or feel right. Do what you know to be good and right. Then you will be able to have what other people only wish they could have.
