Fun Marriage Exercise to Stop Fights Before They Start
Getting nowhere talking about problems with your spouse? Feeling stuck and hopeless? Try this argument free alternative to make your marriage better.
Role play, the fun and friendly alternative to talking about problems in marriage
When I’m talking about role play, I don’t mean dressing up as superhero’s for your sexual adventures. That is a harmless way to add adventure in the bedroom.
What I am talking about it temporarily adopting a different way of behaving toward each other. A way that is not part of your usual character, but is enjoyable for your spouse. This method bypasses the resistance that people encounter when they debate, argue, and try to convince.
Does this sound like you?
Talking about problems can be done in a good way, with good listening, empathy, and seeing win-win solutions in an atmosphere of love and respect. Do you know anyone who actually does that? Instead, what people usually do is talk about problems when tensions are high and empathy is low. Defensiveness ensues and tensions rise.
Talking about problems creates so many problems for people that they come to avoid both talking about problems and each other. Resentment builds, feelings of love break down, and they end up with a roommate style relationship.
How is role play a better way to solve marriage problems?
With role play, there is little or no tension. It can even be fun. It is a method you use when things are going relatively well. No tension means no defensiveness and no escalation of problems. At the worst you get nowhere, but you don’t dig yourself a deeper hole. That makes it worthwhile to at least try. You may find you want to use it a lot. I bet you can’t say that about arguing!
What is marriage building role play?
Simply put, role play is “play acting” a better way of doing things than you usually do. It can quickly demonstrate concepts that are difficult to put into words. It can be done by just you or you and your spouse at the same time. It doesn’t lock either of you into changing, but is just a little experiment to see if a new way of interacting would work better.
An example of marriage improvement with role play
The problem:
A long time ago, my wife and I practiced role playing what I should do when she interrupts me while I am using the computer. Before the role playing, my lovely wife would come behind me and put her arm around my neck in kind of a headlock position.
She was being affectionate, but it rendered me unable to move, and was somewhat uncomfortable for me. I was patient with it because I knew it was her way to express love, but it wasn’t very enjoyable. And, it resulted in less of a positive reaction than she was wanting.
Requesting role play
My usual response was to wait it out. I know a good martial art move to deal with this, but considered that wasn’t the best response. But, my “waiting it out” was also not what my wife was wanting. I asked her if we could use role play to make this situation even better for both of us (being careful not to complain and to make it positive).
If she had not agreed, I would not have asked again at that time. However, she did agree.
Role reversal for empathy development and understanding
Then I asked her to sit at my computer as I had been. I told her I would do to her what she did to me. I wanted her to show me what she would like me to do in that situation. She sat in my chair, I came behind her, and put my arm around her neck the way she had been doing with me.
Then I said, “Show me what you would like me to do when you do this to me.”
Demonstration by spouse
She thought for a moment, took my hand and continued to hold it while turning my chair around. Then, she stood up to face me. “I was holding her loosely enough that she could do that. “What’s next?” I asked. Thinking more, she said, “Hello,” and kissed my neck before bursting out laughing. I laughed with her. It was a fun exercise.
Then, I said, “Let’s stop here and just practice up to this part.”
Role reversal for practicing a new behavior
Then we traded places and I sat at my computer while she came up behind me and grabbed me, though not as tightly as she had been doing. I took her hand, turned my chair around, stood up, said “Hello,” kissed her neck, and then burst out laughing as she had (we have a lot of silliness in our relationship work).
Then we did it again without the laughing outburst.
Role reversal for going an additional step
Then we traded places again. She sat down at my computer and we repeated the exercise. This time, after she kissed my neck, she continued to embrace me and went another step, by asking me, “What shall we do?”
Role reversal for practicing the additional step
We traded places yet again. I sat at my desk, she put her arm around my neck, I turned around in my chair, stood up, gently kissed her neck several times, continued to hold her and in my best sexy voice asked, “What shall we do?”
It probably sounds more complicated than it was because it takes a lot of words to explain what we show simply.
If instead of doing role play, my wife and I had talked about our expectations and discomforts it could have created a big problem where only a little one existed.
Couples usually make their relationships worse by talking about problems rather than working on enhancing their relationship. Talking is helpful for clarification when there is misunderstanding. Once differences are clearly understood, action must follow or conflict and resentment result.
Where else could role play be used instead of talking about needs, desires, or problems?
Role play ideas for marriage improvement
What would your spouse like you to do better? Is it the way you respond to questions? Well, then use role play so your spouse can demonstrate how he or she would like you to respond. Is it the way that you respond when touched? Is it some kind of behavior initiation like doing an activity, having, sex, or planning an activity? Have your spouse show you, in behavior, how he or she would like you to do that.
Anywhere where you would like a behavior change and can create a win-win is a good place to demonstrate to others not only what you want, but how they will benefit.
Just saying “I want you to greet me when I come home,” is not very helpful compared to role play. To do this, you would greet your spouse the way you would like to be greeted, making sure to make it a good experience for your spouse in the process.
Enhancing physical touch
Kissing, talking, sexual and non-sexual touch, answering the telephone, dating behavior, support with the kids, providing comfort, good listening, agreement, compliments, other validation, and many, many more behaviors are amenable to role play.
Simply saying, “touch me the way you want to be touched,” is a kind of role play, otherwise known as behavioral rehearsal. “Show me what you want me to do when you are fighting with the kids.” Getting your spouse to do that will help him or her to have more empathy for how difficult it might be for you.
Instant marriage improvement
Role play is brief, specific, memorable, and positive. It fosters empathy and understanding without any needy behaviors. Having your partner demonstrate the response he or she would like you to have, by reversing roles, can bring immediate results and relationship enhancement.
12 Success tips for improving your relationship with role play
- The best way to introduce any new idea to someone is by appealing to their interests rather than your own. Start with a change that might benefit your spouse before trying to get your spouse to change for you.
- You can also start by role playing a date, where you behave the way you would like your spouse to behave. My wife might escort me to the venue the way she would like to be escorted, for example. I could then do that with her the next time.
- Role playing should be fun. If your partner tenses up, then try again at some other time. Don’t push on. Starting with small changes and providing lots of reward for trying is helpful.
- Role playing is a good way to practice any new skill. For example, as a student I used to role play being a therapist with other students who pretended to be clients.
- Do not criticize or remind your partner of past negative behavior. This is about showing, not talking, especially negative talk.
- If the new behavior is long or complicated, practice only part of it at a time. Trying to make too many changes, too quickly, is one of the reasons people have difficulty improving their relationships.
- You can role play at home how your spouse wants you to behave in a social situation.
- Role play is not costume play. No cross dressing is required.
- When working with your spouse, switch roles back and forth. It’s okay to figure it out as you go.
- Be willing to make your spouse feel good about his or her role playing, no matter how lousy they actually are at it. One of the keys to a happy relationship is making your partner feel loved and wonderful, just like with your kids.
- Be willing to improve your relationship by doing things that are not natural for you, as long as they don’t violate your morality or harm your marriage.
- Don’t gloat. If role playing reveals to your spouse his or her unreasonable behavior, don’t make your spouse feel bad about it. Never get satisfaction out of making your spouse feel wrong, strange, or bad.
I am always ready for my wife’s ideas and she is for mine. She is my girlfriend and I enjoy doing all kinds of things with her. We want to be great for each other. Role playing is a perfect fit for that.
Advanced role play for bigger issues
You can also ask your spouse to show you how he or she would like you to respond when you are criticized, blamed, or ignored. This is a more advanced form of role play that you should only do if your relationship is basically good and you have successfully used role play for lighter things.
Just as with positive things, have a good attitude and don’t gloat. Stop immediately and give your spouse a hug and a kiss if things start to go wrong.
Strive to never do anything to hurt your spouse, even if you think he or she deserves it. We all deserve it. Be like Jesus and love your spouse anyhow.
Behavior change leads to relationship improvement
What I have taught you here is a marriage enhancement technique that won’t work if you and your spouse have significant conflict. If you have significant problems, you will need to learn how to re-interest an re-capture the love of your spouse before working together. Working together in a bad relationship has the potential to make things worse–much worse.
Working with a reconciliation coach is a good way to learn how to start a fire in the rain. What I mean by that is you can learn to get your relationship going again, even if your spouse is opposed to that. Marriage counseling does not work well for such situations.
If you want to work with your spouse, first get your spouse to the point where he or she is motivated to have a better marriage with you. My Re-Connections Marriage Coaching Package will help you to take the right steps, in the right order, to re-create the kind of marriage you want to have with your spouse. See the description for links to this and other coaching packages.
Learn more about role play in marriage:
Isaacson, K., Furrow, J.L. (2019). Role Playing in Couple and Family Therapy. In: Lebow, J.L., Chambers, A.L., Breunlin, D.C. (eds) Encyclopedia of Couple and Family Therapy. Springer, Cham. https://doi.org/10.1007/978-3-319-49425-8_94
