Frustrated that Listening Isn’t Bringing You Closer? How to Build a Deeper Connection

You’ve done a good job at listening to your spouse. Your spouse appreciates it, but you don’t seem to be getting any closer. Staying at this level could keep you stuck in the “friend zone.”

Today, I’m going to teach you how to break out of the friend zone and create real emotional connection with your spouse.

How you respond influences how your spouse feels about you

Many people try to connect with their rejecting spouses by showing how well they understand. This is a whole lot better than arguing or remaining silent but still lacks the power to reconnect.

Learning how to respond better is one of the key changes I’ve helped thousands of clients make in order to reconcile, even with a very rejecting spouse. I’ll show you a simple technique that will immediately make your spouse feel more connected to you. You can then practice it with everyone you know and watch as people enjoy talking with you more.

Stick around until the end, and I’ll share a free resource that will help you build more meaningful conversations with your spouse.

Why reflecting how you understand isn’t enough for reconnecting

Understanding primarily is reflecting back to another person their own thoughts or feelings. This makes them feel heard. Therapists who work primarily by helping couples to talk to each other in structured ways, use techniques to improve understanding.

What happens next largely depends on how much each of the couple match in terms of what they want and how they feel. If there is no matching, then the relationship is not improved. A husband can understand that his wife wants to have more help around the house and that she is resentful at having to do so much while feeling like she is getting little in return.

His wife can come to understand that her husband already feels like he does more than enough in terms of helping his wife and is disappointed by her lack of appreciation. Further, she can understand that he thinks she is both spoiled and selfish by asking still more of him.

Let me tell you, all that understanding is not only not going to build the relationship, it actually will push them further apart. The hope of the therapist is that they will move closer by agreeing and empathizing with each other once things are understood, but this is often not the case.

Connect by understanding benefits rather than understanding problems

I sometimes ask my clients to get more clarification from their spouses, but most of the time it is not necessary. Most of the time we are going to know exactly what their spouse wants and how they feel. Finding out that their spouse is having an affair because they enjoy their affair partner more is not really going to be helpful or a surprise.

Finding out that someone doesn’t feel in love anymore because the relationship has been neglected for years is also not a clarification that is really going to make things any better. The more we delve into understanding problems, the more negativity tends to be produced. I think this is one of the main reasons that marriage counseling tends to be long and ineffective past the initial clarification of problems.

Clarification is sometimes necessary

Asking why-questions may get you clarification, but when asked about negative things, the clarification is not very helpful. So, when do I have my clients get clarification? When it is not clear what the other person wants.

For example, if their spouse wants to separate, the first thing I will ask is what their spouse wants to achieve with the separation. Are they wanting to divorce? Have some time apart, like a break from their marriage? Are they wanting to work on their marriage and think that separating will be a good way to do that? Often my clients don’t know the answer to those questions, and so they need to ask.

The reason it is important to know for this example is to determine what types of boundaries are necessary. Too many boundaries can reduce opportunities for relationship building, while too few can result in a spouse having his or her cake and eating it, too, which leads to divorce rather than reconciliation.

Ask for clarification in a good way if you want to get a good answer

A bad way to ask anything is to show your opposition in your question. Asking your spouse why he or she would want to do such a damaging or stupid thing could get you some clarification but at the expense of more distance. You will do much better by reflecting more of an open mind with a matching tone of voice.

For example:

I know you want to separate, and it may make sense for us. But, what would you hope would happen after we separate?

This is just one possible good way to phrase such a clarifying question. It is not a why-question that will get complaints rather than anything positive. Why do you want to separate? is a question bound to bring about complaints about you and the relationship rather than anything positive.

Clarifying with an open mind and neutral or friendly voice, focusing on benefits, goes beyond the action to what people want to achieve. I think it would be great if more therapists used such positive-focused questions rather than problem-focused ones. That doesn’t prevent you from doing it on your own, however.

Going beyond understanding by finding common ground

Once we have the information, we must then use it to find overlapping desires. The woman who feels resentful of her husband, what does she want? Well, you might think she wants him to do more around the house. But what would be the positive result of that? Well, then she could relax more and behave in a more loving way toward her husband.

And what about him? He wants his wife to be more appreciative and less demanding. But how would that make things better for their relationship? Well, he might tell you that he would be more relaxed and want to help his wife more.

Even people who argue often want the same thing

Going a level beyond that is finding out if the husband would like for his wife to be more relaxed and loving toward him. Of course, he would. Would she want her husband to be more relaxed and have a positive attitude about helping her? Of course, she would. This matching of desires is where true connection happens and not just with understanding thoughts and feelings.

You don’t need to see a therapist or coach to start to get beyond understanding to matching. If your relationship is really bad, you may need help to get the fire burning and keep it going until you are sure it’s not going to die out. But, as long as you are talking, you can start practicing as soon as today.

Let’s go through some examples…

Examples of good and bad responses

I’m going to start you with an easy example, to better illustrate the concepts.

Suppose your spouse says,

I think we should hire a clown for the kids’ party.

Let me give you some examples of bad and good responses.

Bad responses that hurt connection

Bad responding might sound like:

• Okay, got it,
• Sure, or
• Not responding at all.

I don’t know about you, but I get irritated when people say Got it to me. It feels like they just want to cut off the conversation so they can move on. They’ve done the bare minimum of acknowledging what I said while showing disinterest.

• Wife: I love you.
• Husband: Got it.

Don’t be an Okay, got it kind of person. And if you tend not to respond at all, then either you need counseling or coaching—because your spouse is going to start resenting that, if he or she doesn’t already.

Let me give you an example of defensive responding.

Remember, your spouse has said: I think we should hire a clown for the kids’ party.

A defensive response could be:

• Where are we supposed to get the money for that?

Now, it may be true that you can’t afford to hire a clown. But even if that’s the case, you don’t need to respond defensively. If money is an issue, you still want to validate first.

Some people respond with a helpful response:

• Spouse 1: I think we should hire a clown for the kids’ party.
• Spouse 2: Okay, I’ll schedule one.

That is helpful, and it will likely get appreciation. But appreciation and connection are not the same thing. Many people confuse the two.

If you do lots of things that create appreciation, you’ll be seen as nice—but that won’t necessarily build an emotional connection. Many men end up in the friend zone or as Mr. Nice Guy because, while they’re helpful, they fail to connect emotionally.

I’ve worked with many men and women whose spouses were having affairs with people who weren’t nearly as helpful—but who felt more similar to them. Similarity trumps helpfulness. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t help, but if that’s all you’re doing, you’re not building connection.

Understanding responses: A step in the right direction

An understanding response might be:

• Spouse 1: I think we should hire a clown for the kids’ party.
• Spouse 2:You think the party would be more fun if we hired a clown?

This would show that you understand your spouse’s idea. But while understanding is important, it doesn’t create connection. It simply helps avoid miscommunication.

Okay, let’s get to the …

Connecting responses that strengthen relationships

So, what would a connecting response sound like? When your spouse says, I think we should hire a clown for the kids’ party, a connecting response could be:

• That’s a great idea. I bet the kids would love that.

Here, you’re agreeing, showing a little emotion, and matching your spouse’s feelings about it.

If you just say, That’s a great idea. That’s a great idea. That’s a great idea, you’ll sound like a parrot. That doesn’t build connection.

A person who repeatedly says, good idea, is better than the person who says got it, since there is some validation. It’s not a lot better, however.

But if you say, That’s a great idea. I bet the kids would love that, you’re making a simple but meaningful connection. Saying, I bet the kids would love that, is giving an example of why you think it’s a good idea. Your example came from your mind and is way better than just saying good idea.

If your spouse wants your help, he or she can ask. Would you mind scheduling one? Then you can agree. Or, if you want to offer help, you can—but make sure you do the connecting response first.

Example using validation and indirect disagreement:

• That’s a great idea. I bet the kids would love that. But can we really afford it?

Or, you may think it’s a stupid idea, but you can still validate first:

• That’s a creative idea. The kids might really like that, but what if it scares them instead?

Hopefully, you’re getting the idea. Connection should come first. If you must disagree, then make it indirect. Many people have this skill at work but don’t use it at home.

Example: When your spouse feels stuck

Let’s take a little more difficult example. Suppose your husband or wife says:

• Spouse: Sometimes I feel like a hamster running in a wheel and not getting anywhere.

Here are bad responses:

• Got it.
• What’s your point?
• Not responding at all.

How much do you think your spouse would enjoy hearing those responses?

Defensive responses that push your spouse away

A defensive response might sound like:

• Spouse 1: Sometimes I feel like a hamster running in a wheel and not getting anywhere.
• Spouse 2: I’m doing the best I can to take care of you and make your life more interesting.

Some people personalize whatever their spouse says, which is a sign of insecurity. Even if someone is saying something bad about you, you don’t need to react.

Just imagine that they are:

• hormonal,
• emotionally handicapped,
• crazy, or
• are giving you diamonds covered in mud.

I like that last one because it leads to looking for the diamond rather than dismissing the person.

Secure people can admit their mistakes and find the truth in what’s being said rather than getting defensive.

Why reassurance isn’t the best response

Some people offer reassurance:

• Spouse 1: Sometimes I feel like a hamster running in a wheel and not getting anywhere.
• Spouse 2: You’re doing a good job. You’ll start making progress soon. I believe in you.

That sounds nice, and it might make your spouse feel better for a moment, but it’s not going to last. They will likely continue feeling the same way and come back for more reassurance.

Reassurance can actually be invalidating—it tells your spouse that their feelings are wrong. You’re essentially saying, You shouldn’t feel like that. You can’t see reality. Your thinking is messed up. You should feel positive. Invalidation doesn’t build connection–even when it is reassuring.

Helping and reassuring are two behaviors that people like, which actually don’t build connection. Use them sparingly. They should be side dishes and not the main course.

Understanding is a better approach

An understanding response could be:

• I understand that you get frustrated and discouraged not seeing any improvement despite all your efforts.

That’s a good understanding response. Your spouse will probably say Yes because he or she feels understood.

An empathetic (matching) response is the best approach for creating connection

If you want to create connection when someone is talking about their feelings, then you need to empathize.

Empathy is making someone feel normal about how they feel or their situation. It does not involve fixing, solving, or advising.

For example:

• Spouse 1: Sometimes I feel like a hamster running in a wheel and not getting anywhere.
• Spouse 2: I know what you mean. Sometimes I feel like there’s got to be more to life than this.

Your spouse will not only feel understood, he or she will feel like you get it on an emotional level–that some way that you feel matches the way he or she feels.

Keep in mind:

• Use empathy for feelings.
• Use agreement for ideas.

The mistake of trying to fix emotions

If you’re a problem solver, this response will feel unnatural. But if you start doing it, you’ll notice a much better response from your spouse.

If you mainly focus on solving problems, understanding, and helping, your spouse will go to you when he or she needs help but will prefer to be with others when not needing help. You become the helpful mom or dad rather than the boyfriend or girlfriend you need to be for companionship and romance.

The right motivations will steer you toward relationship improvement and reconciliation

Not this

The right motivations for reconciling certainly are not to convince your spouse that he or she is wrong in rejecting you, has the wrong feelings, and needs to work on the relationship whether he or she wants to or not. That approach will only confirm to your spouse that the two of you are poorly matched for continuing to be married.

But this

The right motivations for reconciling are to reconnect and re-attract. You do that by becoming the kind of person who your spouse enjoys talking to, feels similar to, and finds desirable. You need to be more like the kind of person you would be if attracted to your spouse and meeting him or her for the first time. Making these changes is your chance to become the person your spouse wouldn’t want to lose. That is the way to prevent separation and divorce.

Would you like to learn even more skills for helping your spouse to enjoy talking with you? Head over to my website, coachjackito.com, and click on downloads. Here you will find free and helpful tools for getting your spouse to enjoy talking with you again.

If you’re ready for more guidance, consider working with me directly through my Re-Connections Coaching Package.

Take action today to reconnect and reignite your relationship. Small changes that you make today could make all the difference tomorrow.

To learn more about the importance of empathy in building relationships, see Daniel Goleman’s book, Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ.