How to Show Your Spouse You’ve Really Changed and Get a Second Chance

Your spouse isn’t giving you any more chances, but you want one. Repeated disappointment on your part has led your spouse to believe that you will never change. What you need is a way to avoid the rejection of your efforts, while becoming the person your spouse wants to keep instead of leave. This is something I help my clients learn and I will teach you today.

Don’t try to rebuild trust with too much honesty or over-correction

Rebuilding trust isn’t about being open and honest. If that surprises you, these next few minutes will help you to understand what really damages trust.

We all know that trust can be broken when we lie. But, did you know that you can also break trust when you tell the truth? Some people don’t realize that and attempt to restore truth by becoming one hundred percent honest. While any amount of a bad thing is a bad thing, too much of a good thing is also a bad thing.

That’s really important to know because you might be trying to “fix” your previous bad behavior by now having an abundance of overly good behavior. I often see this attempt to fix with people who previously spent too little time together, now changing to spend too much time together. Actually, one is as damaging as the other.

I also see people who weren’t very helpful in the past, now becoming overly helpful in the present with absolutely no improvement in their marriage. They have done what is logical, but their changes come as manipulative attempts rather than as genuine change. Not only that, but it isn’t even healthy to be together too much, or to help too much. And, it isn’t helpful to be too honest either.

Why your spouse’s complaints aren’t the real thing to focus on

The guiding principle for becoming the person your spouse would like you to be is not in the specific examples your spouse has provided about how you do this or that, or didn’t do this or that–whatever the complaint might be. Those specific examples are just evidence for an overarching lack of concern, lack of prioritization, and/or lack of love that he or she feels.

A man or woman who makes his wife or husband feel cared for, a priority, and loved, is going to get away with all kinds of behavior without their spouse leaving them. On the other hand, someone who does not feel cared for, does not feel like a priority, and does not feel loved, is going to be easily upset, frequently rejecting, and slow to trust again. Because there is no way to un-do something which has been done or said, we must be careful not to do them in the first place.

As someone who is reconciling, you must resolve not to do them again.

The actual behaviors that lead to broken commitment in marriage

Common behaviors that lose a spouse’s trust and commitment are:

• Treating others better than our spouse,
• Not spending daily time together,
• Not appearing happy to see them,
• Not being interested,
• Criticism,
• Revenge behaviors,
• Blaming,
• Shaming,
• Sexual rejection,
• Prioritizing the children,
• Being unfair with finances,
• All forms of unfaithfulness,
• Not following through with things important to our spouse.

Stop trying to fix your marriage with explanations

No matter how much you try to justify or explain any particular behavior, justification doesn’t take away the hurt that it causes. That is what all of these examples have in common–they hurt our spouse. They make our spouse feel unloved, unimportant, and not good enough. That is why your spouse is on the way out now.

Behaviors that restore trust and rebuild marriages

The Bible gives us two principles for how we are to behave. The first is to do what is right, which God has identified for us, for our benefit. The other is to love our neighbor as ourselves. God gives us the job of training our children the way they should go, but He doesn’t say that about our spouses. We are to love them, and leave the training up to God.

I think the love principle will cover all those behaviors which help our spouse to like us, while getting away from training our spouse will stop all those behaviors that reject us. What are criticism, stonewalling, blaming, shaming, and revenge, but misguided ways to train our spouse to treat us better? They are misguided because they don’t actually result in improvement. They are needy behaviors which result in distance.

Love is a higher principle than honesty

Love is a better standard than a rule to always tell the truth, or to always help. In the context of love, we can see that lying or telling the truth can both be hurtful. Both can break trust. Telling your wife that her eccentric haircut is beautiful would be a lie, but would be far less harmful than the truth. Telling your husband that most men are more capable than he is may be honest, but is hurtful.

You will not build trust with honesty which hurts your spouse. And, although you may make your spouse’s life easier by being extremely helpful, you do so at the cost of attraction and respect which are vital to loving feelings. And, your attempts to fix your marriage do not reflect the character change that your spouse wants to see. They just reflect your desire to fix your marriage or your regret about having pushed your spouse away.

Regret about bad things is good, but regret alone does not reflect character change.

Why your spouse is ending your marriage now

Have you been wondering, “Why now? If my spouse has considered me to be so bad for so long, then why didn’t he or she leave me sooner?” As you will see in a moment, this is actually important to consider as it also provides clues for how to rebuild trust in marriage.

Things that are going to influence how much your spouse will tolerate hurtful behaviors include:

• How good your relationship is otherwise,
• how long the damage has been going on,
• how your spouse was treated in past relationships,
• how your spouse was treated by his or her parent(s),
• how much your spouse fears being alone,
• how good your spouse’s boundaries are, and
• how easy it is for your spouse to find a better replacement for you (his or her ability to upgrade).

Religion does not play a major role in tolerance, regardless of what religion it is. Christians are no better than anyone else. The difference is that Christians understand their need for a savior (and we actually have one).

Use these factors to guide trust rebuilding

This list of factors affecting tolerance to hurt is instructive. It gives guidance for recreating trust. For example, “How good your relationship is otherwise,” is a huge factor in rebuilding trust. This means that even if your spouse is repeatedly bringing up things from your past, you can still work on improving your relationship overall. And, it is something you can do even if divorce is looming.

It won’t stop your spouse from bringing up past issues, but it will make your spouse less upset about them, and that’s a good beginning. If you can build a relationship enough with a critical spouse, you can then use boundaries to end the criticism. It is actually the most effect way to stop criticism and blame. Most people try to tackle head on the blame or reminders of past behaviors and just cause more rejection.

What you can and can’t control when rebuilding trust

Some things are out of your control. You have no control over your spouse’s history of treatment by previous romances or his or her parents. You can’t eliminate the competition, but you can work on yourself to be better than the competition. If you don’t, and you are easily replaceable, you are far more likely to be replaced.

Being married or being a parent has never been enough to keep the love and affection of either spouse or children. We must continually work to do our best. If we do that from the outset, it shapes our thinking and becomes a way of life. You might think it is too late to learn this now, but it isn’t. You can start this process now as long as you have some contact with your spouse.

Why words and promises won’t restore your spouse’s trust

If you want to win back your spouse’s trust, then you need to know what to do now that the trust is broken. First off, don’t use words to try to persuade your spouse that you are now trustworthy. Don’t try to convince your spouse that you will be faithful, loyal, loving, helpful, sexual, or anything else.

Your intentions and your words are not not evidence that you actually will become an improved version of yourself. Your spouse would need to be stupid or needy to be convinced based on your intention, emotions, or promises. Your empathizing with your spouse’s desire to end your marriage will go much further than trying to convince your spouse to continue with you.

Empathy opens up; convincing shuts down.

How to show change when your spouse won’t give you another chance

Some people say that their spouse won’t give them a chance to show that they have really changed.

For example, a woman may refuse to have sex with a man who has been consistently sexually selfish. If you ask me, I think that is a good boundary to motivate a husband to change his ways. If you are in that position, you might promise your wife that you won’t be selfish anymore–if she would just have sex with you again. But, she has already given you many opportunities to not be selfish. She’s not going to risk that hurt again.

She has reached her limit. It might seem like a stalemate, but it isn’t.

Small actions rebuild trust without the risk of rejection

What you would have to do is to show that you are giving in other ways. Help her with chores without being asked, create an equal allowance for both of you, plan nonsexual encounters and dates without attempting to have sex with her. Build up your trustworthiness with smaller things so that: 1) she will be more likely to take a sexual risk with you again, and 2) she will otherwise enjoy your relationship more.

Although this example is about sex, it could be about anything. And, whether you are a husband or wife doesn’t change the way that trust building is done. You must be trustworthy with small things before you will be trusted with a little bigger thing, and then a little bigger thing, and so on.

That’s the way God does it with us. Don’t bother praying for riches, for example, if you don’t manage the money you already have in ways that God would approve. “Give me more and I will do better,” is not going to work with God or your spouse. You must do good with what you already have.

The three-month rule for rebuilding trust

Consistency reveals character. Winning back your spouse’s trust requires consistent, trust building behavior, over at least a three month period. Any slipups you have during that time reset the clock. So, if you have made it a point to be helpful, kind, and giving for a month but then slip up, you lose that month of trust building. That would be okay if you already had trust, but not when you have to rebuild it.

You need at least three consistent months. Don’t apologize. Just get back on track.

The same applies if you are stopping criticism. Don’t expect your spouse to trust you if it still pops out every once in a while. You have to stop it altogether. It takes at least three months to build trust and sometimes much longer. Don’t use the excuse, “nobody’s perfect.” While it is true, it is also true that many people have completely stopped bad habits.

How to rebuild trust when separated

What if you are already separated? You might want your husband or wife to move back in and give you another chance. Your spouse would have to be either pretty needy or pretty convinced to move back in with you. Instead of trying to convince with words, empathize without trying to convince. Then, work diligently to become trustworthy and loving with whatever access you do have to your spouse.

Here are some things a separated person could do to rebuild trust, restore connection, and trigger attraction:

• Show up on time to get the kids and have them back when you are supposed to,
• consistently give your spouse a friendly face and warm greeting,
• eliminate any kind of interrogating, controlling behaviors, or otherwise needy behaviors,
• keep any agreements regarding amount and type of contact,
• avoid all pursuit behaviors which your spouse would not like,
• validate your spouse when you interact, and
• become interested in your spouse’s interests and activities.

Getting your separated spouse to take you back

If you want your spouse to take you back, you need to become the kind of man or woman that your spouse wants to have more of than they are currently getting. This means making your interactions enjoyable while also decreasing your interactions.

People don’t desire what they don’t enjoy. They also don’t desire what they have in abundance. An enjoyable one minute interaction is far better than one hour of dull time together. Affairs start with one minute interactions. You can restart your marriage that way.

Here are some self-reflection questions that can point you to things to work on

Don’t ask these questions to your spouse. They would only be good questions for your spouse if your spouse was wanting to reconcile with you.

Imagine you are your spouse and ask yourself:

• Under what conditions would you trust again?
• What would you need to see?
• How long would you need to see it?
• What other things could your spouse do that would interest you more in trying again?
• How could your spouse treat other people that would help to show that he or she has really changed?
• What could your spouse do in his or her free time which would reflect real change?
• What kinds of things would tip you off that the change wasn’t genuine?

If you can answer these question for your spouse, then you will have a pretty good idea what you need to work on, starting today, and being consistent, from now on.

When change isn’t possible—and what to do instead

If you can’t or won’t make the changes necessary for your spouse to trust you, then don’t try to get better at hiding it. That is a sociopathic behavior. Instead, let your spouse know what won’t be changing. Depending on what it is, how good your relationship is, and other factors, your spouse may decide to tolerate that particular behavior, though it will come at a cost to your relationship.

You have to decide if it is worth the cost to you to make such a change. Even if you believe your spouse should not be bothered by your behavior, as long as he or she is, you continuing it will come at a cost to your relationship. It could be drinking, opposite gender friends, pornography use, bad language, or chewing with your mouth open.

Understand your spouse’s standards

Our relationship with our spouse will depend on his or her standard’s–not our own. Likewise, our relationship with God will depend on His standard for behavior–not our own. We don’t get to choose how others feel about us or about what we do. We can do our best to prioritize and be loving so that our slip-ups don’t cause as much damage.

We can also make decisions that we stick with–no matter how we feel. For example, deciding that you will never say anything bad about your spouse to others, no matter what, is a good decision. So is deciding that you will never criticize your spouse. Or deciding that you will not make any promises that you can’t keep.

These decisions will help you to have trust building behavior. Decisions impact our behavior in way that trying to do things does not. Don’t try to love your spouse. Decide to love your spouse.

Advanced trust-building behavior

If you want to go to a more advanced level then decide that:

• You will always greet your spouse with a kind face,
• you will always show interest in what your spouse is saying,
• you will prioritize your spouse over all others and your job,
• you will thank God for your spouse every day, and
• you will be the man or woman that makes your spouse happy that he or she married you.

None of these behaviors will make you a doormat because none of them preclude you enjoying your own activities and having good boundaries to prevent mistreatment and build respect. Just like with children.

The real path to becoming a trustworthy partner and getting another chance

Winning your spouse’s trust and getting another chance really doesn’t have anything to do with convincing your spouse with words. It has to do with becoming a trustworthy person, a loving person, a caring person, and a responsible person. The nearer you are to losing your spouse, the more help you will need to make sure you are doing all you can at the right pace, without falling off track.

My Re-Connections Coaching Package is designed to help people do just that. I will help you to have the behaviors that build attraction and connection, without getting repeated rejection that frustrates most people who work on their own. And, with the email support option, you can get same day advice before doing something that could be a mistake. See the link in the description for how you can get started working with me, one-on-one, to restore your marriage.

Your key to saving your marriage is to stop trying to convince your spouse to see you differently and to actually become the person your spouse wants you to be.

For further study:

Giacobbi, Marco & Lalot, Fanny. (2025). Unpacking trust repair in couples: A systematic literature review.Journal of Family Therapy. 47. e12483. 10.1111/1467-6427.12483.