Okay, you messed up in the past, but now you are doing all that she ever wanted plus more. Still, your wife won’t come back. What’s going on?
Some men are in such a rush to reconcile that they make mistakes like pressuring their wives, offering solutions to problems their wives currently have no interest in solving, and attempting to convince their wives that changes they made only a week ago are permanent. Not only will these things not work, they are likely to LENGTHEN the time it takes to reconcile. You will need to stop focusing on what you want to happen and start to focus on what your wife wants to happen. Until you can do that, your behavior is going to come across as both selfish and needy.
If you want your wife to come back, you need to understand the REAL reason she left you
Most men think that the reason their wives left them is because of something they did or didn’t do. And, it would make sense to think so, because that is what their wives tell them. Although this can happen after a man does something drastic and damaging, most of the time, it is not the real reason. You see, women don’t leave men because of what men do or don’t do. They fall out of love with men because of what men do or don’t do, but they don’t leave them for that. No, they leave because of the hope for a better life. Until women have that hope, they will stay in the same situation, no matter how bad it is. Many times for years. Sometimes for a lifetime. Without hope, they can’t find the energy to leave. Usually, the simple reason that women leave is because they want to have a better life and they believe that the only way to do that is without you.
Why your efforts to change usually have little impact
When men think that their wives left because of something they were or were not doing, they come to the natural conclusion that they need to change, and that once they have changed, their wives will want to come back. A man with a drinking problem for example, may give up drinking and tell his wife a week later that he is off the booze. This has a negative impact for several reasons. First, if it was possible to just stop drinking, why didn’t he do it years ago when he knew it really bothered her? Secondly, it is obvious that he gave up drinking in order to get his wife back, which means he did it for him, not for her. Thirdly, after having seen his drinking behavior for so long, his wife would have to be a fool to think that he wouldn’t start drinking again if she returned. And fourthly, because she is no longer in love with him, it falls far short of what she wants to be happy again. I used drinking as an example, but you can substitute any behavior your wife has complained about.
Put yourself in her shoes
If you were miserable living with someone for years and you were either really patient with her until you got burned out, or tried to help her change until you got burned out, and just didn’t love her any more, how eager would you be to take her back based on her promises and recent changes? Would you really believe those changes were permanent and that you would fall in love with her again? Your head would be full of images of the past several years of struggle and imaginings of how hard it would be to go through that again—especially now that you are finally feeling hopeful of getting your life back together and have some kind of future for yourself before you get too old.
Trying to fix problems is likely to get you a negative response
Now that she has left, you have thought a lot about what she has said and all of those things that she repeatedly complained to you about over the years. And, you may have come up with some pretty good solutions about how to take care of those things. But, when you approach her with your solutions, she is not impressed. She tells you that your changes will benefit your next relationship with someone else. What’s going on? Once again, you need to go back to the two reasons she left you. One—she doesn’t love you anymore. Two—she wants to have a happy future in a way that she has hope in. Your solutions to problems do not address either of these two issues that really concern her. Your solutions look like things you are doing to try to get her to come back, but your desire for her means little to her at this point. She is no longer concerned about what you want, need, or desire, because she doesn’t see that as connected to her own happiness. On top of that, she doesn’t believe it will be possible to love you again. How can your solutions possibly fix that?
The only way that works
There is only one way that works when you have been left by a woman who no longer loves you. That is to re-create feelings of love and attraction in her. Because before she is willing to work on any kind of future with you, she will need to desire to have a future with you. And right now, she doesn’t. Solutions and changes in yourself are not going to turn her feelings on again. Do make changes because those will be necessary for keeping her, later on. But, they are not what is going to win her back. To really connect with her emotionally and start to turn her feelings of love on for you again, you are going to have to get on her side. Instead of making her feel like she is evil or crazy for leaving you, you need to make her feel capable and reasonable for wanting to improve her future, even if that means leaving you. You need to believe in her if you want her to believe in you. Books such as Connecting Through “Yes!” can help you to start to give her these messages in a good, relationship building way. You need to stop focusing on yourself and what you want and start focusing on what she wants. This does not mean focusing on what she wants from you. She no longer wants anything from you. It means focusing on what she wants for herself. If she doesn’t trust you because of all of your recent needy behavior, it’s going to take a while for that to happen.
Help is available for just this situation
You have probably realized that reconciling cannot happen quickly and that it is easy to make damaging mistakes. Many men benefit from working with a coach who will teach them the skills needed for rebuilding trust and connection, as well as becoming more secure and attractive. To decide on your need for coaching, consider the past one month and whether your relationship is building, getting worse, or is stable. If it is building, then you may not need coaching, although it could help you to build your relationship better. If your relationship is stable or getting worse, then help is going to be necessary unless you have other promising methods to try. If you are interested in working one on one with me, I invite you to take a look at my Re-Connections Coaching Package.