Reconciling After Marital Separation: Q&A

Knowing the answers to a few simple questions can make the difference between reconciling and not reconciling after a marital separation.

Updated September 29, 2026

Are you wondering if you will be able to reconcile? Are you unsure about how to do that? What if there has been an affair? What if you’ve already tried to reconcile and it went badly? How do you decide whether you should reconcile or not?

These are important questions. Today, let me give you the benefit of more than thirty years as a psychologist and marriage reconciliation coach.

“I heard that once you separate, your marriage is over.” Is that true?

Most of the time, no.

But, just knowing that answer won’t help you. Simple answers seldom do. That’s because there is no cookie-cutter approach that will work for every situation. Instead, you need to know which factors are important and which are not. Then, apply them to your situation. That is what I must help all of my clients do.

Your chances of reconciling after a separation are most impacted by the quality of your marriage before the separation.

The better your relationship is before separation, the more opportunity you will have for creating connection once you are separated. You will have more contact, and especially more friendly contact, without a major trust hurdle to get over.

On the other hand, if you pursue and pressure your spouse right up until the day you separate, it may create a no-contact situation. Your spouse will be guarded with any contact you have, and your spouse will enjoy the release from stress that separation brings.

“How should I behave with my spouse who wants to separate?”

Pressure and conflict are the enemies of reconciling, which means you need to be relaxed. A relaxed presence, combined with validation is necessary for building all relationships. This is true for making friends, getting along with a siblings, and for reconciling with your spouse.

When I work with clients, our typical first steps involve a well-crafted and sincere empathy message (not a sympathy message), accompanied by relaxed behavior, validation, and the end of all pursuit behavior.

It is not possible to connect with someone and stress them at the same time. Stop doing anything that stresses your spouse.

“How can I deal with the stress of being separated?”

Stress and anxiety are tied to our thoughts about outcomes–either we have beliefs about what has to happen or what we fear could happen. This anxiety not only ruins our sleep and our appetite, it makes us unattractive to our spouse. A close relationship with Jesus is the antidote to stress and anxiety that allows us to live without fear of the future or even of death.

For the Christian, God has promised that He will never leave us or forsake us (Deuteronomy 31:8 and other places), and will work out all things for good (Romans 8:28). This means that we don’t have to fear anything. Instead, we focus on doing out best with what we need to do today and let God work it all out.

The most significant benefit the Christian has is not ever needing to worry about the future.

“How can we get enough time together if we separate?”

The danger is usually spending too much time together rather than too little.

Separation can relieve the stress of a conflicted or distant relationship. Done correctly, separation decreases negative and neutral time together. Neutral time is when you are around each other but not interacting. Negative time includes things like conflict or avoidance.

Even a small amount of positive contact can make us want to see someone again. This is why every day people are starting relationships with someone they only see once a week at church, only exchange texts with, or briefly see at work. All you need is short contact if you have it on a regular basis.

The quality of contact is more important the the length of contact. You must behave in a way that helps your spouse to enjoy your interactions, even if they are brief. A good five minute conversation is better than a ten minute conversation that went five minutes too long.

Avoid relationship talk as it is likely not to be enjoyable and will cancel out other positive interactions you have.

“Can we live together during our separation?”

Living together while separated is not therapeutic and does not rebuild relationships. Instead, it creates more negative and neutral time together.

On the other hand, living apart can take away the negative and neutral time and leave only positive time if you are doing a good job of being relaxed and validating. This can increase your spouse’s desire to interact more often.

If you have mostly negative interaction at home, then separation may be the only way to save your marriage.

“I heard I should just stop all contact and wait for my spouse to miss me”

If your spouse really loves you and finds it hard to be apart, then your spouse will definitely miss you at first. But since no problems will actually be resolved, the effect will be short-lived, and he or she will miss you less the next time you separate.

On the other hand, if your spouse is stressed by you and is not in love with you, then going no-contact will not make your spouse miss you at all. We don’t miss people or relationships that we don’t value. How many of the stressful people from your past are you missing now?

People only desire what they enjoy, so the solution is to help your spouse to enjoy your interactions while giving him or her less contact. Those are the conditions for both improving your relationship and creating desire.

“I already badly handled the separation (being needy and self-focused). Have I blown my chances to reconcile my marriage?”

While you have done more damage to it, which increases the emotional distance, you probably have not “blown it.” As long as you and your spouse still have regular contact, you can start to rebuild a bridge between the two of you.  

This is done gradually, using good connection skills. Most of the people who come to me for coaching have had that kind of a bad start, but are able to move forward again. As long as your spouse will still communicate with you, it is not too late to get things going in the right direction.

“What if my spouse refuses to reconcile after I create a good connection?”

Creating a good connection no more guarantees reconciling than it does getting married for single people. However, failing to create a good connection guarantees not reconciling. This is the case with people who continue to try the guilt-trip, social-pressure, Bible-waving, logical reasoning approach to reconciling.

Not everyone who works on reconciling will be able to reconcile, even though they may be able to recreate a positive connection.

Attempting to convince creates distance; becoming desirable creates desire. If you believe you are desirable, but your spouse does not desire you, then you are not desirable in the way that matters to your spouse.

“When is it too late to reconcile?”

If you have maximized your desirability and done all that you can to connect, yet your relationship has plateaued, giving up on your marriage is your next best move. This will either create more desire in your spouse to keep you or confirm that you should end it.

Make sure you have really done all you can first or you may be the reason for the plateau. Leaving your spouse in that situation would not bring improvement, since you would be the one preventing it.

If you have no contact with your spouse, then it won’t be possible to reconcile. Positive interaction is necessary for relationship development. If you have only negative contact, then you can work with a coach to make the contact go better.

“I am very upset and can’t work to reconcile in a positive way.”

That’s very understandable. My best advice is to take time to take care of yourself until you have some kind of peace of mind. Spend time with your friends, get support and guidance from God and scripture. Get counseling if things are feeling out of control or you are having any thoughts of hurting yourself.

If you don’t take care of yourself, you will make yourself even less desirable for your partner. The best partners take care of themselves and are loving, happy, and secure. This is just as true after separation as before.

If you feel like you “have to” reconcile to be happy, you will be unattractive to your spouse. The most attractive man or woman is one who loves you, but does not need you in order to be happy. Their love is genuinely about you and not what they can get from you.

Desperation to reconcile or get the approval of your spouse smells bad to your spouse. Doing your best to reconcile with your spouse, while realizing you may not, and believing that you could have a good future anyway is the best possible mental set for reconciling. It will help you to be attractive and secure in the way you need to be to reconcile.

“My spouse cheated on me. Why should I reconcile?”

You have a right not to. You also have the right to try to keep your spouse and rebuild your relationship. But, you can’t do both. You will have to choose whether you will love or whether you will leave your partner and behave accordingly. It’s a value decision that only you can make.

If you will not be able to emotionally move past the affair, even after reconciling, then it is best not to reconcile. Lack of forgiveness does more damage than affairs do. Affairs are temporary. Lack of forgiveness can last a lifetime.

On the other hand, working on empathizing with your spouse can lead to forgiveness. Most spouses don’t have affairs in order to hurt their husband or wife. Affairs are always damaging, but can lead to a renewed relationship for you and your spouse. Just be sure not to forgive before the affair has ended.

“What if my spouse has said there is no chance to reconcile?”

Your spouse’s current decisions are a good indicator of your current connection and desirability. Changed feelings lead to changed decisions (not the other way around).

A good example of that is that your spouse once promised to always love you no matter what. That promise changed when his or her feelings did. No matter how stubborn you see your spouse, this must be true if your spouse is rejecting you now. What changed one way can change the other. Never try to get your spouse to admit that, as you will just create even more resistance.

If you rebuild your spouse’s desire, then your spouse is likely to either want to reconcile or to stay connected after divorce. Either one can lead to reconciling if use proper boundaries. Boundaries will definitely be needed if your spouse wants to divorce and be friends.

Help is available

Separation does not need to be the end of your relationship. For many people who separate, it isn’t. Separation creates more opportunity for conflict and stress, but it also creates new opportunities for re-attraction and connection. How you deal with the separation is more important than the separation itself.

If your spouse does not enjoy your company and finds it more desirable to live without you than with you, then you have major work ahead. You must build your relationship in a way that you probably haven’t since the first days that you dated. Do what you can on your own, but get help if you get stuck. Time is not your friend when reconciling a disconnected relationship.

You may be able to get unstuck with a coaching consultation. Some people just need a little direction. On the other hand, if your attempts to rebuild your relationship are leaving you feeling frustrated and rejected, check out my Re-Connections Marriage Coaching Package. It is designed to help you with step-by-step skills for regrowing connection and attraction.

You have choices. Consider which decision you are least likely to regret later and do all you can to reach your goals. Keep in mind that God works out all things for good for those who love Him. Staying close to God at this time will help you to grow and rebuild securely, and to feel at peace, no matter the outcome.

FAQ

Does a marriage separation mean we will divorce?

Not at all. Many couples successfully reconcile after separating. And some marriages could not be saved without a separation.

Why would separation be a good thing?

Separation can reduce the neutral and negative contact that may be making a relationship decline. A separation, coupled with positive contact only, can rebuild a relationship.

Isn’t giving up on persuading my spouse to reconcile giving up on the marriage?

Not at all. If your persuasion is perceived as pressure, it is preventing you from reconnecting and moving you toward divorce. Validation is a more useful skill than arguing when it comes to building relationships.

For further study:

Brown, S. L., Lin, I.-F., Marino, F. A., & Mellencamp, K. A. (2025). Marital separation, reconciliation, and repartnering in later life. Journal of Marriage and Family, 87(1), 182–200. https://doi.org/10.1111/jomf.13024