The reasons why men cheat and have affairs are not complex. Understanding them is key to ending their affair and reconciling.
When it comes to why men cheat and have affairs, women tend to have two problems. First, they tend to overthink the situation and come up with overly complicated answers. Secondly, they tend to believe the reasons that men give for their cheating.
Both of these approaches to understanding why men cheat and have affairs will lead you down the wrong path and result in frustration rather than reconciliation.
Once you know why they cheat, you will be much better able to prevent and end cheating.
All men are attracted to others
From the time of puberty on, boys are attracted to girls and that never stops. Even if they have a girlfriend or are married, they don’t stop being attracted to other women. It is a biological characteristic that is not changed by beliefs or values.
Biological urges alone do not determine our behaviors. If they did, we would all be in prison and there would be no one to mind the store. Men do not have to cheat or have affairs, even if they are attracted to other women. We resist doing many things that we want to do. We also do many things we don’t want to.
Men cheat or have affairs when either they have poor impulse control (like many people in prison), or they do not fear the consequences of cheating. They may believe that they will not be caught (and so no consequences) or that even if they were caught, nothing more serious would happen than their girlfriends or wives getting temporarily upset.
Partners of secure women have fewer affairs
Do you have a history of poor boundaries with your boyfriend or husband–getting upset with him, but never taking any real action? If so, what has he learned from that? He has learned that you are a needy person who will put up with anything, although you may make a lot of noise about it.
Men who have secure girlfriends or wives learn very early on that any bad behavior on their part results in immediate consequences and greatly risks their continued relationship. Hint: Your being hurt or upset is not a consequence that counts to him.
How are your boundaries?
Have you ever ended a date early because the man behaved in a rude way? Have you ever ended a phone conversation because you are put down by your boyfriend or husband? Women who take actions get respect and love from their men.
Women who just take it, argue, defend, or attack back lose respect and ultimately the love and affection of their husbands. This is neediness. A man will have much deeper love and commitment to a woman who treats him well, does not disrespect him, but will not put up with any disrespect from him.
Boundaries are important, but not enough to prevent cheating and affairs
Even if you have good boundaries, if you have not maintained a loving connection with your boyfriend or husband, he may come to not care about your relationship. So, although he knows there will be consequences if he is caught cheating or having an affair, he does not care.
Are you too dependent on your boyfriend or husband for your happiness?
If you do, then they will feel much safer to cheat on you. On the other hand, if you have a career, friends, and hobbies, your boyfriend or husband will be able to see that you could get along perfectly well without him–making it riskier to have an affair.
Marriages and relationship are for sharing our happiness and not for creating it. When two fulfilled people have a relationship, their relationship is vibrant, positive, and stable. When two needy people have a relationship, it is stressful and anxious, except for brief periods of making up–resulting in a roller coaster style relationship.
Don’t expect the truth from men
Do not expect your boyfriend of husband to tell you that he desires other women. If he cheats or has an affair, don’t expect him to tell you it was because he wanted to and either thought he could get away with it or didn’t care about your relationship any more. Instead, he will say you didn’t meet his needs and so he was compelled to cheat.
The needs theory has been disproved many times over. Even if you meet all of your boyfriend’s or husband’s needs, he will still cheat if he believes he can or doesn’t care anymore. This is why you can’t end your husband’s affair by trying to meet his needs. You especially can’t end his affair by having sex with him. He will just take what you give him while continuing to cheat–making you into a needy fool.
Steps you can take now to help prevent cheating and affairs
Men cheat or have affairs because they are attracted to other women, and because they believe they can without serious consequences. While you can’t take away your boyfriend or husband’s desire for other women, you can create the conditions that will re-attract your husband and make him choose you over the other woman.
It is up to you to do both of those things: 1) re-attract; and 2) make him choose. Just being patient or submissive will not make either of those things happen. Your options are to get a book on ending affairs, on becoming less needy (if you are), or get help from a coach who wrote the book on both of these things.